Guys, Gals, Enbyies- I'm not ok anymore

I'm just so tired of being in pain, disrespected and hated by people I love, and dealing with grief from losing my girlfriend whom I should be over by now. My energy levels are abyssmal, I cry a lot in secret, and I've finally lost hope. Two nights ago I was so close to picking up a small, but very sharp, knife off the kitchen counter. I wouldn't just cut up my arms either, I'd cut to end my life the first time. I managed to walk away this time, but this was spontaneous and unplanned- and the temptation to just die was strong. I'm fighting with what I have left, but I'm so exhausted and sad I almost don't see the point. I guess I'll tell my therapist tomorrow in my appointment, I don't know what else to do. I want this to end.

 

First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also glad you made it to today.

Damn if you didn't remind me of a few people with that last paragraph though, who I met here and call me their little brother. These people mean a lot to me. I'm trying not to do that to them, so so hard- but you're right, I'm so tired. I think my strength is finally failing me, but I am trying still for them.

 

I'm not sure, but getting out of this house for good and being surrounded by people who actually love me would help.

 

Wouldn't say I deserve it, but thank you.

Hey Rain, I'm especially sorry you had to read this.

At first I thought it was a bodily function and the related hormonal crap that comes with it- but I think it's a depressive spell after further examination. Just what I needed this time of year, right? I just feel like everything that would make me happy is impossible or so far away- and it hurts. I want my parents to accept me most, and that very likely will never happen. Or at the very least have a situation where I could come out again and be tolerated, so I could start transitioning a bit in non-medical ways at least. Hell, even being told I'm loved the way I am and having that phrase not have any anti-trans connotations would just mean a lot from them. I know I won't get that without anything short of divine intervention though.

As for my ex, I want to reach out to her. I miss her- everything about her. But I can't, or rather I don't think she'd respond. She's probably found someone else or enjoying college as a single woman. Yet here I am missing her...

I think I've forgotten what true happiness feels like- but my happiest moments have been with people who love me or with my dogs (now just dog, my oldest dog passed away in 2020). Being trans, knowing I am, and my family's hatred of it changed the dynamics. I've had some truly horrid and hideous thoughts before, but their rejection and abuse over my gender and bisexuality wounded me in ways I never have been wounded in before. Thoughts that plague me now are worse: drinking whiskey and shooting heroin at the same time with no tolerance, climbing to the top of a grain bin with a gun, driving off one of the steep curves on my way home from work.

If everything didn't feel impossible to fix, I wouldn't be at this low. It all feels so far out of my reach.

Thanks Beth, I'm sorry you had to read this too.

That's probably a big part of why I miss her, she made me feel like everything was going to be ok. When I found out my first job was letting me go after the summer, I wasn't sure I would be able to see her still. I was panicking, stressed out doesn't begin to describe how I felt after finding out (and I was the last one in the department to find out whether I got to stay or not- two weeks after everyone else). I don't know how, but she told me it was going to be ok and I believed her. She calmed me down, held my hand and held me while she could that day. I miss having her friendship and having her as my girlfriend. I feel like other people can move on so quickly, but with how I felt about her then and still do now... I just don't know how I could. I would've taken a bullet for this woman, happily so, if needed be. It still hurts that she's gone away. With everything in the mix, it's damn close to unbearable.

I'm trying my best to hang in there, surviving is a tremendous effort anymore. Thank you for offering your kind words and support. One day it will be better for you, hopefully one day for me as well.

Thank you all for responding

 

The third anniversary of being trapped was this Tuesday. Three years of trying to cope and learn how to stomach this... Then Thursday I had a crying breakdown. I lost my voice back in August, all but a whisper, and while most of it has come back the very lowest and the very highest of my range have never come back. That range was the part of my voice I was most proud of, I worked hard to expand it- especially the lower end. I went to hit a high note in "O Holy Night" at a rehearsal, normally that's a breeze for me but it didn't even come out. Hollow air, pure hollow air. Everything was just simply too much to hold it in anymore after that, so I broke down and cried. I was on the phone with someone I deeply care about when I started crying, that is a tiny bit of progress- I don't normally cry in front of people unless I'm in a lot of physical pain. The one thing I was proud of myself for is gone- and I'm much younger than average for vocal decline. Now I have to deal with that, and I don't know how.

 

Hey Beth, thanks for the consolation and support. ❤️

It's probably the fact I never took a vocal rest. During my sickness I'd try to mime things out so I wouldn't have to strain my vocal cords, but no one could decipher what I meant so I had to scream to make a whisper come out. I had to go back to work too, and part of my job is answering phones. Could be the side effects of trauma too though. Lack of sleep and yelling never helps it either. My previous voice teacher thinks it isn't permanent at least, just that maybe in that month I couldn't sing my head register grew weak enough to sort of dissipate. I hope she's right.


I would love to have a tenor voice though, I'd be scared once my high notes become unreachable but happy I could hit lower ones. Sounding like a man will be great!

I know most people probably couldn't withstand this, I'm honestly not sure how I am either to be frank. It feels like some horrendous creature with tentacles has me by the legs, and it likes to watch me crawl to the light a bit before pulling me right back into the dark. That probably seems dramatic, but it sure feels like a fight for my life against something immensely powerful.

Hey Rain, thanks for the encouragement and hugs, here's one for you big brother. ❤️

I'll be honest with you both, I'm currently very frustrated with my choir and my hinderances. I'm used to carrying an entire sections worth of high notes, and this year we cut them out and stay on something lower. I'm almost certain it's because I can no longer hit the original notes alongside our other soprano one, there are only two of us. It's embarrassing for me that those notes won't even come out anymore. I was banking on starting a band and live shows once I got out of here, that's what I want to do most. Now I'm scared to sing in public past a certain point. Guess I better try to get used to it.

 

There are a few things that make me happier every now and then. I just got some socks and a t-shirt in men's sizes for secret santa from one of my bosses, I'm pretty happy about that.

You will get better at it, it takes practice.

 

Well I've made myself dysphoric, I was reading about puberty and stuff so I'd know more about hormones and what to expect if I can go on them. I'd calmed myself down by reading something else but now can't get it out of my head, I'm kind of feeling sick again over it. I should probably be on anxiety meds shouldn't I?

 

It was definitely dysphoria induced. The article I was reading went over multiple aspects of puberty, and when it got to the "girl" part it just triggered that response. I felt nauseous and panicked, remembering that my body went through the wrong process and all the things that came with it. I just want to hide myself and be hugged today, but my niece's birthday party today. So I'm trying to suck it up and push through.