(i might delete this soon as it gets a bit personal) i feel like a man day to day, but what if im tricking myself or something into being one? what if im just a woman whos uncomfortable all the time. what if when im an adult i realized i made a mistake? what if i go on testosterone and regret it? what if im lying to myself, and if i am, how do i be honest? how do i find what feels right? what if i change my mind and cant go back? i want to be a guy and i want all of the effects. i tried dressing girly and i still felt gross. i hate my body and i want a beard and i want guy parts and i want a deep voice, its so hard living like this, no one understands how it feels. i should be thinking about my chemistry test tomorrow, not my gender for the millionth time this week! im not sure what to do, i have no one to talk to about this so it just loops in my head every day. i would be so happy as a man, but what if im happy as a woman? i cant let my family down if i transition. at this point im not even questioning my gender, im questioning my future. i feel good as a man now, what if i dont later. i dont want my life to be always around gender and struggling. i just want to be someone. i was girly as a kid, why do i feel the opposite now? if i told someone about this theyd say that im just following a trend or something, how is it a trend if it makes me miserable every day? negative thoughts all the time, and constant jealousy and longing to be a man. i wouldnt wish this on anyone. its unbearable. i wish i could look down and be happy about what i see, but ill never get that. i just wish someone would tell me who i really am so i can finally live without doubts.
The "what if" moments are pretty common among trans people. When the "what if" thoughts pop into your head, try to remember what initially made you realize you were transgender. Maybe there was a memory you had as a child where you longed to be a boy, or something more recent. It may take years until these thoughts subside. If you have someone to talk to about these thoughts, like a therapist or school counsellor, they may help you work through some of these thoughts. Another thing that might ease your mind currently is where are you in your transition right now. If you're still socially transitioning (clothing, pronouns, names, etc) all these things can easily be reversed. Take it slow, start with a new masculine wardrobe, maybe confide in a few close friends if there's a new name and pronouns you would like to try to be called. If you're ever uncomfortable posting anything, you can always post under the Anonymous account in the anonymous forums. My PMs are also always open if you ever need support.
Hi Spidersneakers, I've been around this messageboard for over two years and in that time have seen a definite trend of teens, generally AFAB who get it into their heads that because they perhaps have a few masculine traits and perhaps are a bit less 'girly' than their peers ask whether they might be trans or non-binary. With all of this stuff being in the cultural ether they quite often add 2 + 2 and make 17. You're not like that. It's statements like this: And this: And this: That, to me at least, suggest that you're a trans man. How do I know? Because I'm a mirror image of you. I hate my body. I hate what is currently hanging between my legs. I want to have the body I always should have had, with breasts and a vagina. I hate having to dress in 'male' clothing. It feels wrong. So: I'm trans. It's that simple. Cis people don't think about their gender a million times a day. End of. I get what you're saying about regret, but if the Canadian health system is anything like elsewhere in the Western world, you'd have to pass a few hoops to even get onto the first rung of the ladder to medical transition. They don't dole out hormones like sweeties, no matter what the right wing press says. It's a long drawn out, difficult process, and with good reason. One final thing - yes it is a trend. But you know why that is? It's because our human species is going through an era of profound change in how we regard sexuality and gender and we - the trans and non binary population - have reached a critical mass. It's because more of us are coming out that more of us are becoming aware of who we really are deep down. I've known I was trans since I was a child in the 1970s but it would have been impossible back then to even voice these thoughts. Now, because of the brave souls who have come out before me, I feel able to face up to myself and the person I am. That's how the closet door opens, how lives are transformed and how we all enact change. Be brave and step on through. Hugs, Beth x
th thank you so much beth, i really mean it. this is very helpful, especially because you got straight to the point and shared your experiences as well. im very happy for you that you are finally living as your true gender. even through all the struggles you mentioned you are very strong. your advice and examples have helped me gain some clarity. i will mention that i am glad the canadian healthcare system takes their time on these matters. i want to make sure that i think everything through, talk to someone to sort it out etc. before i go through any medical changes. thank you again for taking your time to write your message out and it really made my day and eased lots of confusion that i was experiencing.
