I have always struggled showing and receiving affection. I assumed this was a normal introvert trait, but after looking into it recently and doing some personal digging I started to wonder if it may be more than that in my case. Other things I feel might point to me having this fear: - I cannot stand watching kissing or sex in movies/tv. It doesn’t matter what sex the participants are, I have to look away. - My family have never been very affectionate. My parents are together but never kiss or act “loving” as opposed to just friendly. I can’t recall them saying “I love you” out loud to eachother. I wonder if any of this had an impact on me growing up? I can’t tell how usual this is though. - I’m very much in love with a female character right now and fantasise about her daily, but I struggle to have feelings for people irl. I think a big reason is that fictional characters are idealised and predictable, and I find comfort in that. They also can’t judge or reject you. Real people are entirely different and ofc can’t do whatever you want them to. - I’m quite picky on dating apps. But I find when someone ticks most of my weirdly specific boxes and there is some initial attraction, my brain always tries to find an excuse to not swipe right. Like I’m scared of a match happening. I’ll just be sitting there completely over thinking it. - I struggle being open about feelings. Even around my closest friends who I came out to at 16. They’re always going on about their crushes and they talk so naturally about love, so I should be confident doing so as well. But I’m just not. Is this what a fear of intimacy is? How would I fix it, with no relationship experience? Last disclaimer: I know my orientation and I’m not asexual or aromantic. Just clarifying as I sought advice for a related problem in the past and several people (in good faith) tried to re-label me, which I didn’t ask for.
I'm an introvert but very affectionate and demonstrative. My parents not so much with each other. Therapy is probably your best bet, because I don't think that you will find a predictable pattern.
I call myself a born again hugger. There was a family crisis in my early 20s when my dad had a fit and abandoned us in the town where my sister attended college. My Mom, sister and I were so scared and for the first time we hugged each other and said I love you and really meant it. Over the 40 years later, we all hug and mean it.
Maybe it's anxiety? I had a similar experience with someone I really liked, I was afraid to show too much affection because I liked them. It was almost like the stakes were higher with them or something, if that makes sense. Or maybe you have a different kind of love language? I mean - do you want to be more intimate with people and you just struggle to, or are you okay with how you are and just feel like you should be more intimate sometimes? If this is just you, then that's okay. But if it's an actual problem for you, then it's definitely a good idea to ask yourself why you're struggling so much. Therapy can help, but talking to others or even writing journal entries about it to yourself can help too.
This does sound like fear of intimacy. It's definitely not asexuality. (There's no valid data suggesting a discordant link between romantic and sexual orientation, thus no validity to the idea of being aromantic.) This would be something to discuss with a therapist, as it is likely wrapped up in family-of-origin stuff.
I read all of that thinking that I could have written it! I know that doesn't help much but I think it could well be a fear of intimacy. I used to hate watching any kissing scenes on TV or in film too - I used to look around the room to see if everyone was looking at me - but I am much better now. The anxiety I feel about general life and especially unfamiliar situations plays a part too. As for how to change it, well it's a mixture of getting past anxiety and also respecting your own boundaries. I've come to accept that I just have different boundaries to many people, in that I need to know I'm attracted to someone's personality before I am fully attracted to their body sexually. However, I'm also working with a therapist - to work out ways to set and enforce my boundaries in a polite way, and also to reduce my anxiety. When your body's in anxiety mode the last thing it's thinking about is intimacy- it's devoting it's energy to fight or flight instead. It's rich coming from me as I don't have a good track record of following this advice myself but try to enjoy the process of, say a date, without thinking "I have to hug/kiss/sleep with them and I have to enjoy it and so do they". Wishing you the best with this- I know from my own experience that every relationship I've had has made me wiser - about other people but most of all about my own mind/body. I can really see the progress I've made in getting over a fear of intimacy and so I know you can too!
I'd say this is crucial. After all, the first relationship you usually witness is between your parents. This is bound to have an effect. Also...your family sounds very English, in quite an old fashioned way. Things are very different now, but back in the 1970s and 80s people didn't say 'I love you' to each other every five minutes (unless they were in the first throes of romantic love). When characters did this in US TV shows we'd roll our eyes at how gushing and mawkish they sounded. English families never said those words. I mean, why would you? It was implicit. And hugging is something that has only come in since the 1990s. I think the first time my mother and I hugged was in 2001, when I was 32. Again, you didn't need to. Anyway, food for thought.. Beth x
