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Married with kids and finally came out, advice please x

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Rainbowrox, Jul 8, 2022.

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  1. Rainbowrox

    Rainbowrox
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    Hi everyone,
    Im reaching out in the hope of finding others who may have gone through similar. I recently told my husband im a lesbian. He is heartbroken naturally enough. I have known since i was very young like 10 or so. I surpressed it and conformed and did what in my eyes everyone else was doing. Dating boys, getting married having babies. I've been married for 6 years and we have 3 young children. I finally admitted to myself last year the reason for my feeling inadequate and constantly searching for happiness and something to fill the void within. Then when my friend revealed she had feelings for me a few months ago things organically evolved between us and we got romantically involved. It gave me the clarity i needed and gave me the push to finally be open and honest with my husband. Has anyone gone through similar? I'd really appreciate the advice and support or to hear your experience with coping with the overwhelming emotions x thanks for reading
     
    #1 Rainbowrox, Jul 8, 2022
  2. quebec

    quebec
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    Rainbowrox.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can post a question on my Profile Page or send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #2 quebec, Jul 8, 2022
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  3. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Hi @Rainbowrox and welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    Congratulations on coming out and all your progress so far! I’ve been in a similar situation to you in the sense I was in a long term heterosexual relationship, with a child, when I started to question my sexuality. There was nobody else involved though, so it’s a little different than your current situation.

    In terms of the emotions, I found it helpful to take small, consistent steps towards the life that I really wanted, and I was seeing a therapist at the time, who helped with this. Taking action, even small actions, helped me to feel more in control. So, over time, I got myself to a place where I as able to leave my then partner, which is what I wanted.

    What would your ideal outcome be? What would you like your life to look like? If you do decide to end your marriage, do it because you would be happier alone than in a relationship with a man.

    I hope that helps a little. If you have any specific questions, then just let me know. I’m happy to talk about my experiences.
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Jul 9, 2022
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2022
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  4. Rainbowrox

    Rainbowrox
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    Thank you for your replies.

    Lostindaydreams can i ask you how you told your child that mammy and daddy were breaking up and then eventually if it happened for you that mammy had a "girlfriend" etc. How did your child adjust etc. How are things now with your husband? Are they amicable? How long were you together before you realised how you felt?

    We are in therapy at the moment and it is all very hard to deal with but it is the right thing for me i firmly believe. I am being so very true to myself now after lying to myself for so so long.

    My biggest concerns are breaking up the family and how my children will adapt.

    Im in no hurry for a 'relationship' as there is a lot to consider and so many changes that have yet to happen for us all.
     
    #4 Rainbowrox, Jul 10, 2022
  5. resu

    resu
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    Welcome to Empty Closets! It's never too late to live your life as you want it, not what is expected by society. Kids are not naturally homophobic; I remember a female friend from high school who said her father was gay, and it seem like her parents had a good relationship after the divorce. However, we all are influenced by social norms, including harmful ones, so it may take time for your family to come around. Therapy can really help. You might find this guide helpful:

    https://www.familyequality.org/resources/coming-out-to-your-child/
     
    #5 resu, Jul 10, 2022
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  6. TrueSpirit

    TrueSpirit Guest

    I too am in a hetero-marriage but I feel I am lesbian. My husband is the one that knew something was off with me sexually. I have never been with a woman but I am only attracted to women. I went through the motions when I was younger and felt that I had to be sexual with men. When I met my husband, my mom forced me out on a date with him and he became my best friend. We have been together for 14 years and have 5 kids. The last 2 years have been a big struggle for me because I know now what the longing is that I have felt since I was young. Also, because I have never desired to be sexual with my husband and now it is difficult to fake it so he is often depressed. Not really the same, but in some ways it is. Congrats on being able to open up. I know it is a difficult and big step.
     
    #6 TrueSpirit, Jul 12, 2022
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  7. Winelover7

    Winelover7
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    I’m in a similar situation. Attracted to females my entire life but felt shame about it and never acted on it or told anyone except for a few people. I my husband as my “high school sweetheart” but never felt for him as I do with women but he was the only guy I actually could stand to be around or date me. He is my soul mate, partner, best friend and I don’t want to leave him. I truly want to be with him but in the romance/emotional/sexual department it’s hard, especially recently. I’ve suppressed same sex feelings for years but last year took a turn in another direction where I just started letting myself feel how I wanted. So I met this girl at work. She liked me too, flirted, and there was mutual attraction but we never said anything to each other. Months passed and we both left the job due to outside factors. I shut down my feelings for her and never told her how I felt, until recently. I couldn’t take it. I asked her out and she excitedly said yes. Great night with her, even though I was in turmoil with the fact I’m married to a great guy. Long story short, I acted clingy and this girl didn’t like it and ended up blocking my number. Even though I feel she will come around one day because of her last text to me before she blocked me. Anyway, she also had a lot of personal life issues going on...I’m hurt and torn up inside. I don’t want to leave my husband and the life we built. What I am doing is taking time to meditate on everything. I weigh all my options. I workout and it clears my mind to think better. I do this every day. While I do this everyday and try to restore my marriage and consider life without/without my husband, I am seeking friends of like mind who I can talk to, to help me process what I want to decide. I recommend some kind of exercise followed by meditation on your pros and cons, talk to people who can understand and empathize, and don’t get locked in your emotions (the most challenging part of every day for me).
     
    #7 Winelover7, Aug 11, 2022
  8. tommyj

    tommyj
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    I'm a married gay man to a wife of 19 years. We have 2 teenage children together. I want to come out but it's been difficult because I don't want to hurt my wife, I do care for her greatly, but not in a romantic way. To make things worse we are pastors of a consertive church and everything will fall apart if I come out. But, we are going on holiday next week and I plan on comming out after we come back from holiday. Wish me luck.
     
    #8 tommyj, Aug 12, 2022
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  9. Joolz66

    Joolz66
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    godspeed tommy
     
    #9 Joolz66, Aug 12, 2022
  10. Redmelon

    Redmelon
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    My story is slightly different, I was married to a man for 20 years (the last three separated), I have alway known since childhood I was bisexual with a growing attraction leaning toward women, my ex still doesn't know, it would not have been safe for me to tell him while I was married. I have 4 children and they were fine with me coming out to them, some of them had questions, but on the whole it was very positive.
     
    #10 Redmelon, Aug 14, 2022
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  11. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Congrats on coming out !
     
    #11 Jakebusman, Aug 16, 2022
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