Hi, I am a middle-aged guy from Australia. I’ve struggled with my gay sexuality all my adult life. When I think back all the signs were there. I started finding guys attractive in late primary school, did not like sport and spent my lunchtimes in the library. Secondary school was an all-boy’s school where I was bullied in the early years. This was really humiliating but I tried to ignore it. Things got easier as the years went on and I did not think much about my sexuality even though I still found other guys attractive and had crushes which I never acted or recognised for what the were. I think I mistook it for wanting to be like that person because I didn’t have a lot of confidence in myself. At 17 I finally realised that I must be gay, my earlier classmates were right after all. I realised I would never marry and have children and lead a conventional life. I didn’t want to ruin a girl’s life by having a pretend relationship. All this made me really depressed and ruined my last year of school – until then I had been a good student. I told Mum who was very supportive. I honestly did not want to be gay and tried to convince myself I wasn’t. Mum supported me in this. The depression was so bad I saw a psychiatrist for a while and was on anti depressants. The depression lifted eventually, and I tried to get on with my life ignoring my sexuality. I had no relationships with anyone and have remained single to this day. Every few years I have suffered bouts of depression and anxiety as something triggered a reminder of my sexuality. To deal with this I saw counsellors over the years or talked to Mum who was a great comfort. The other comfort was taking up cycling. The physical activity kept the depression at bay and I met some great friends. Girls have been attracted to me over the years which was flattering at one level but depressing at another. I liked them as friends but never felt any sexual attraction. I just ignored their overtures pretending I was naive and didn’t notice. On a couple of occasions men have been attracted to me but I have rebuffed them in disgust as did not want to be gay. In my mid 40’s I come to accept myself as being gay. At one level a get a certain amount of satisfaction of thinking of myself as gay. When I see an attractive guy I don’t worry. I think I am gay, and this is part of the experience although I still feel a certain level of guilt. I now can relate to straight men and how they feel when they see an attractive woman. I am still firmly in the closet and find it hard to imagine ever coming out. Some people I have known for a long time may have guessed my secret because of my long-standing single status. I am at the point where I would like to explore connecting with other guys but not sure how to go about it with discretion. The internet has been useful for someone like me. I have looked at online dating sites but feel dirty being on those sites. I am interested in friendship and connecting with other guys in my situation. I have looked at community groups but have not had the courage to connect with them and be in public with one of these groups. Although I am not desperate to have a relationship as such, I wouldn’t mind having a few gay friends. What I really envy is the companionship and intimacy that I have observed in straight couples. If I met a guy I really connected with and he just happened to gay I would be open to having a relationship. I know at my age this is highly unlikely, but I have reached a point in my life where I where the realisation that life is finite has dawned and I may have only 20 years left if I’m lucky. I would appreciate any comments or advice you may have. Thanks for providing such a comprehensive forum. I hope this isn't too long Dave
I will be 49 in about a week. I finally came out just in April.i would tell you this. You are going to have to take a few risks, push a few boundaries, and step outside your comfort zone. It is scary and it isn't easy, but oh so worth it. I have been doing it and a, now in the early stages of starting my very first relationship with a guy.
Hello, Dave. First of all, I'm so sorry you've spent so long in the closet; it can't have been easy after all these years, and no doubt that makes the prospect of seeking friendship/love all the more daunting. I completely understand the discomfort with dating apps, as they often foster hookup culture (despite many trying to find genuine connections on them). Have you researched any LGBT support or hobby groups in your area? The more you speak with likeminded individuals (or at least others who understand what you're going through), the easier it is to talk about being gay and thus, to become comfortable with it on a larger scale. If nothing else, a support/hobby group might help you take the next step towards finding something/someone that suits you.
Thanks for your replies. Your advice is what I thought, there is not easy way around this. I have been looking into gay friendly community groups related to my interests and will attempt to follow these up. This seems preferably to online. Your right, I need to step outside my comfort zone. Regards Dave
I too am not comfortable at all on gay dating apps, but agree finding interest groups where you will meet other gay men can allow a friendship or romance to form in a much more natural way. If you are gay being with a man romantically is the best feeling in the world. Try and remind yourself half the people on earth are attracted to men and the reason why this is, is because men are gorgeous. There is nothing wrong with being one of the many who can see this beauty. Personally most of my friends are women because I find it easy to relate to them given our shared desire. Being open about my homosexuality with them has not only been enjoyable because it allows me to freely be myself in their company, but also because through them I have gotten to meet other gay men who they knew. For me I just reached a point where I would rather be out as a gay man then be alone. I also decided that there was nothing I could do to prevent myself from being gay so I might as well enjoy the fact that I am. And I do. I wouldn’t trade being gay for anything. Men are wonderful and I hope you get to be with one. Nothing that you have written is abnormal. It all makes sense to someone who is also gay.
Brett, Thanks for that. I understand about being alone. Although I have good friends you can’t live in their pockets. That’s partly why I want to meet other guys similar to me. Most older guys have been married which must make things even more complicated. I never went down that route because I suspected it wouldn’t work out for me or the woman in the long term. I never wanted to be gay and resisted it for years but you can’t make go away it isn’t a choice. I don’t think I conform to any gay stereotypes so it would be a shock if I decide to finally come out. Dave
No longer resisting being gay was a key step to getting to where I am now. What you are feeling and going through is extremely relatable to me. I wish you luck in meeting other gay men.
Hi Dave, Realising life is finite was certainly a catalyst for change for me also. I started to follow Dr Joe Kort (sex therapist) on IG and he recently posted about how when he was young (so before apps) he would write messages on the walls in bathrooms at college as a way to meet guys and that he felt and feels no shame around that. It struck a chord with me that he is right and there really is no reason to feel shame for looking to connect with other guys whether via bathroom wall messages or I guess the modern equivalent being the apps. Something to think about?
