Coming out at 45?

I'm 48, been married twice, have three kids, and came out in April. Best decision I made. I was causing a huge amount of damage to my body that would have eventually killed me. Obviously, I can't tell you what to do, only you can make that decision. I'm going through a lot of stuff right now, filled with both fear and excitement, but its been worth it.

 

I’m new to a lot of this and figuring out a lot of things myself but wish you the best in whatever makes you happy!

 

Your needs are just as important as everyone elses in your life (i.e. wife/children etc).
Equally important, not more, and not less important.
And think about how you might feel when you look back at your life when you are very old.

Have you tried talking with your wife about your situation?

...I'm not sure if this helps!

 

I guess you have to weigh up what you would lose (your marriage + you might take a financial hit with a divorce) with what you may gain (the knowledge that you're being true to the person you really are).

Imagine though fast forwarding to thirty years from now - you're in your mid 70s and you still haven't come out. Would you feel regret?

Beth

 

I have been exceptionally fortunate that the reactions from family and friends have been universally supportive and positive. I am getting divorced, but that is unrelated to anything regarding sexuality and is amicable

 

This book may give you some comfort:
https://www.lorenaolson.com/finally-out/

 

Hi Tommy,
Your dilemma is shared with a lot of guys here. It's a tough place to be.
It's sounds like you have accepted your identity which can be part of the struggle and your concern is for your wife and children in how this impacts them. If you decide to come out, this means a difficult conversation with your wife and then a time of processing for you both. That is where I am at the moment although we seem to be have stalled somewhat. For others, the reaction and process seems to vary and some move on quickly.
There are many postings here from those who have been through the process and about how positive and sometimes essential it is to be authentic and I find it helpful to read those. I also found it really helpful to attend a support group so if you move forward that is something you should seek out too.
You do need to think of your own needs as well as your family. I hope you find your therapist helpful in working through.

 

I agree with Mclate. It is a dilemma that a lot of guys in here are going through including myself because am not very content in my relationship and in my life because I feel sometimes there is something missing. Either am not cut out for marriage or it’s not the right person. She’s a wonderful person and a great mom. We have a good life.But I can’t help the feeling that I am different and maybe I need something else. Another kind of relationship. But it’s very hard to reach a compromise or a decision to end things because I don’t want people to get hurt in the process. And i have to start a completely new life somewhere else facing another kind of struggle to find the right person and be accepted. If this doesn’t work out. I can’t undo what already been done.

 

I know what you are talking about exactly and how you are feeling. It’s not easy. But maybe you can get through it with the help of your therapist to reach a decision and be happy with it.

 

A tough decision for sure.
Best of luck however you decide to proceed.

 

I used to think me coming out at 30 was late in life maybe because was in the closet for a while

 

That’s one of the reasons I came out. I imagined myself at the end of a life not having experienced an openly bisexual life. The possibility of deep regret at that time inspired me to action.

 

It might help you decide by thinking in specifics about what you would like your life to look like (e.g., divorced, still married) if you were to come out.