I don’t want to put up a picture on a dating site because I am afraid to not be in control of who knows about my sexuality. That’s just because I feel like it could affect my work experience negatively if people at work knew, or maybe it would not but I don’t feel like testing it out. Maybe It’s also because I don’t want to be out that publicly when I live in a smaller town because I don’t feel comfortable now that I don’t have anyone that really gets me and I can talk to about gay things etc. Another reason is that I am scared that I would run out of people to date quickly because i live in a small town and I don’t want to mess up the chances with the limited amount of people that are available with a bad picture or my lack of social skills. I have made accounts on dating apps just to see what’s out there and then deleted them after one second and it seams like there are very few people on there and that has scared me off. I have tried to go on apps where you don’t need a public picture but most people are looking for sex. I tried to find someone to hook up with because it felt easier than messing up the chance with the few people who are looking for something other than sex. That didn’t really work because the ones I talked to would seam interested in meeting up and say that I looked good and then stop talking to me. If not I would not be interested in them or they would require nudes before meeting up which I’m not up for. The way people talk on there and the way I almost get afraid to be too personal or be myself just because I want someone to like me doesn’t really feel good either. Now it’s been a while since i went on there and I don’t have the energy to do that again because I feel weird that I shared pictures of my body even though I didn’t send any nudes and I sent my face in a separate picture. It feels like that’s not me and now I’m almsot too embarrassed to put up a public picture if I ever would want that. I feel like I don’t have any room for mistakes or changing my mind because I am afraid to make a fool out of myself in front of the tiny community where I live and then stay alone forever. It would feel better to date more seriously and don’t waste time on people who doesn’t really like me. I want to be in a relationship because I have been single all my life and never gone on a date or anything, and I have had times when I have felt really bad about that and I feel like I am starting to feel that way again.
Hey @JacobC , I understand quite well what you are going through. I grew up most of my life fearing that my search for a same-sex companion (I'm Bi) would not only cause issues with my personal, local life, but also with my career. I'm old enough that apps weren't an option for me 'back in the day.' Finding people online is very "iffy." Apps tend to be for people looking to have sex, not a real relationship. And, as you say, if they are baiting you, they could easily blackmail you unless/until you are willing to be open about your sexuality with your family and your hometown. But what I would tell you is that direct experience is usualy the best. Do you have a local or semi-local LGBTQ club/support group that you can hook into? QR
Relax. Breathe. And stop overthinking it. You'll drive yourself nuts. If you don't want to be on those apps for the various reasons, then you don't have to be. Some are valid, but the ones about self-doubt or not being good enough or any other self-deprecating stuff, how do I put this delicately? Knock that shit off and quit beating yourself up!
Hi and thank you for your response! I don’t feel like I am afraid that coming out more publicly would cause any troubles in my personal life because I am out to my closest family and am fortunate to have an accepting family. I think I was a little unclear; when I wrote that I am afraid to make a fool of my self in front of my “tiny community” I mean other men who are looking for men where I live. I think that It would not be so bad if I actually came out more publicly, but it’s more so the loneliness of being out and not having people understanding me and having to go through it alone. I feel like my family don’t understand things I am going through as a gay person and I don’t really have any friends either. I have tried to make friends at a local LGBT-suport group because I prefer meeting people in person instead of online, but there have barely been anyone in those meetings even though I have been going for a year and the few people I made some sort of connection with I have lost touch with. I am sorry you had to fear those issues growing up though.
I feel like If I just could date without using apps I definitely would without a doubt, but I don’t feel like there is any other option. As I said I have felt very bad about this and its just a downward spiral of bitterness where I compare myself to others and feel more and more isolated when everyone is getting into relationships for the hundredth time around me and I don’t feel like anyone in my life understands how isolated that makes me feel. I can not just meet someone at random in real life you know. I would like to try a more serious app but I don’t dare to especially when I read things online about gay people basically giving up on love after trying and being let down over and over again, I don’t have that many chances when I live here you know. It makes me insecure about if have a picture that represents me in a good way and that enough people would swipe right on or if I am too awkward because I have been single for too long and would simply scare people off or something. I get to a point where I can’t hear songs or watch movies about love because it makes me feel so bad and last time I didn’t avoid those things when I felt this way I got to a very dark and negative mindset about myself and life. I know I overthink things and that I am probably ridiculous but it’s hard to stop and I could just pretend like I didn’t want love and just continue with my life but that only makes it worse in the end.
@JacobC , I understand what you are saying quite well and I would just advise you to go with your heart. You understand very well, it seems that most dating apps are quite risky - although some people have had remarkable success with them. But you, as I do, absolutely prefer meeting people face-to-face/in-person to find a significant other. It most often takes time to find someone. So never give up - and you're more likely to be disappointed than not before finding the right person. But, in order to find the right person, you have put yourself out there and accept disappointment before you find your significant other. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try and try and try... It just means that you have to be conscious that things won't work - until they do. And you can't NOT try because you WON'T find your significant other until/unless you put yourself out there. Just some thoughts. QR
Yeah, off course you are right about that I need to put myself out there, I am a an expert over thinker unfortunately, obviously, however I will try. I might just run out of people as I fear but then I will know for sure at least. I do worry that I wont be able to try anymore at that point and be completely incapable of changing my situation and I think that scares me, but I might just try anyway.
@JacobC, then I suggest you put yourself out there. There is great emotional risk in doing so, but there is no potential gain if you don't. That's true for straight people as well as LGBTQ people. Best of luck! QR
