So I’m a lesbian and my best friend is a man. He’s an amazing person. I could go on and on about all the things I like about him, but I won’t so this doesn’t turn into an essay. But I will say a couple of things. He’s one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met. We have the kind of relationship where we can tell each other anything and be totally comfortable with it. And I do mean ANYTHING. Just talking to him almost always makes my day so much better. Basically I love him a lot, but I’ve never felt this kind of love so I don’t really know how to describe it. It’s probably not romantic. When I imagine us doing anything romantic (going on dates, holding hands), it just seems weird, unnatural even. And imagining anything sexual is just flat out disguising, I am a lesbian after all. Cuddling and hugging sounds great though, but that’s also just my preferred way of showing platonic affection so I’m not really overthinking on if that means anything or not. I’d just say this is strong platonic attraction if it weren’t for the fact that it just seems like more than that. It just really doesn’t seem like my usual platonic attraction and it’s confusing. Anyone have a word to describe this?
The Greek word for this type of love is philia or phileo. Hence Philadelphia being the city of brotherly love. It is a deep connective love of friendship. Plato considered it to be the highest form of love.
Yup! This is called 'emotionally intimate friendship'. Brené Brown refers to these kinds of friends as "move-a-body" friends, people you could call and say "I need help moving a body" and their only response would be "Sure, be there in 10 minutes" with no questions asked. Further, as Brené says, these are people who love us not in spite of our imperfections. but because of them... they recognize that the whole of who we are is what makes us lovable and beautiful.
How about just 'love'? I'm liking the concept of a 'move-a-body' friend, though, Chip. I'm lucky enough to have a few of those.
Well, 'love' works. I have friends who are very deep, close friends that I say 'I love you" to. But unless you have absolute clarity, that word can confuse things and set expectations that aren't realistic. The friends with whom I use that word are very clear on the particular nuance of meaning. So it's workable but only if you are otherwise super clear with intent. At least as I see it.
I think we don't talk enough about how deep and meaningful some platonic relationships can become. As a gay man, I have developed some very strong relationships with women. I think that because they know I'm gay, they feel very safe being around me and free to talk openly about anything. Love can develop, and I can understand why that feels confusing. I wish our society didn't feel the need to label everything and put relationships into neat little boxes that our brains can understand. We love who we love, and the human experience is more complex than we realize. This is one of the things I can't stand about relationship "experts" who think they have it figured out. But that's a soap box for another day. Enjoy your relationship with this person, and appreciate it for how valuable it is
The way I see it is that it's still in the realm of platonic friendship, but much deeper. Like a soulmate. A soulmate doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic partner. It can be a best friend or family member. If you don't view the relationship as romantic, then it's not romantic for you. What's a soulmate? | Free audio - YouTube
To me, the love you're describing is platonic. Someone you aren't romantically interested in, but could tell anything and love being around, could count on to help you when no one could, and know you could hug or kiss them any time you wanted... I mean, that's my mother. She's someone I love with all my heart, someone I'd walk through Hell for, someone I'd kill and possibly die for, but the idea of *BEING* with her, in the carnal sense... yep. Not just uncomfortable, makes me sick. I literally couldn't summon arousal, even if someone injected 100mg of Viagra into my carotid. Maybe it's not that extreme for you. Maybe you do grapple with minor feelings beyond the platonic, but also struggle with discomfort beyond the basic concept of being "closer"... I don't know, I'm a voice on the internet. But if you're just not sure how it would work, maybe talk to him about it. I mean, you said you could talk with him about ANYTHING, why aren't you talking to him about this? If you love each other as much as you say, maybe there's a middle ground where you are platonic most of the time, but still share something more physical every now and again. If that includes outercourse or something similar, and you're open to it, there you go! A new avenue of bonding with someone you already know you love! If not, and you're just in need in some other way that you don't yet understand (as happens to us all!), then... uh, it's platonic love. It doesn't feel that way because this is one of the special ones, one of the ones who you are in love with, even if it isn't physical, you still LOVE him! And I get that! To be honest, my love, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but... I think you just want to shout from the rooftops about how much you love this person. And it's new and curious, sure, but... gods, you just love him! He's so accepting and sweet and understands you so much, and you feel so safe and accepted with him, you want everyone to know. I get that too! I had that, once upon a time, and I wish nothing but the best for both of you! I'm so happy for you, and I will give you the best advice I was ever given in turn: RUN AT LOVE! It doesn't matter what form it takes, or how new it is, when it's real - WHEN IT'S REAL - run at love! And, sister, I think you found it! So, if you want permission, here it is. Run at it. I've read those before me; they agree! You've found an oasis; don't let it go! No matter what happens, Aunt Lydia will be here for you, along with countless others who love and support you just as much, but I raise a [non-alcoholic, sorry, I'm recovering] beverage to you and this beautiful man you've fallen for! May your union, regardless of the form it takes, bear all possible fruit! Happiness to you and everyone reading this! <3
I agree. I had a friend, who passed away. He was gay, I considered him a soulmate but not romantically. It's been 23 years since he died unexpectedly at age 30 and I miss him so much. We connected on a deep level, had so much in common, and just got each other. I feel blessed that he came into my life.
