Well, a week and a half ago I told my recent ex (I'm 33F, he's 35M) who I still live with that we could maybe give it another shot, to see if there's anyway.a relationship could work. Now I feel almost exactly like I did before we broke up, and I feel like I just put myself back in the closet. He was just getting so down on himself and we're codependent and I didn't want him to hurt, so I thought it would be okay to try... But it's just reaffirming that I'm really gay. He's feeling way better though and I'm afraid of hurting him by telling him how I feel, but he wants me to talk to him about my feelings since that's something I tend not to do. Part of the issue is that he really thinks I'm bi because even after we broke up we continued to have sex, and it was realllly good, but since we're trying again I've lost my sex drive. I think it's because after breaking up I felt like myself and felt a huge weight lifted... Now the weight is back. I don't know how to explain that I'm a lesbian to him since I'm still sleeping with him... Like... It's something I enjoy mostly, I like affection, but it's totally different from being with women. I'm not really attracted to men physically but I have a hard time saying it because I don't want him to feel bad. I just feel like a mess all over again! I need other lesbians who've been in this situation to talk to
Give yourself the gift of a bit of grace. None of what you are dealing with is easy, and like every other human being you are going to make mistakes along the way. If it's possible, would some time apart from one another help you get some perspective on the situation and what you want to do moving forward?
I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling with this, @PeachyGirl. It's not an easy situation, so like @CapnMal said--try to go easy on yourself. It's only natural that you'd find yourself regressing when you and your ex still live together. Even if you aren't compatible, you've been together long enough that it's hard to walk away, and you undoubtedly still really care about one another as people. What sticks with me here though is, are you sure you aren't bi? I'm not trying to make you doubt yourself, but if you still enjoy sexual experiences with him--more so when you weren't together--that suggests less lesbianism and more bisexuality with a strong preference for women. Then again, you could be lesbian but suffering from heteronormative expectations. I think we've discussed this before, so what it really boils down to is how you feel. It seems to me, whatever your orientation is, being with your ex is clouding your ability to grow and figure these things out. I don't recall what the financial situation is like, but I think if you can get out of this arrangement and move into a place of your own (or have him do the same), it might be better for all involved. The trouble is, when to do so; I can understand not wanting to hurt him again, but the longer this is drawn out, the harder it will be for both of you. I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you that honesty is ultimately what will make the difference.
Yeah it's confusing because I can have and enjoy sex with men but it's way more difficult to get in the mood, like physically it feels good but I.. Dislike *sorry if this is graphic* performing oral on a man, I get grossed out by their man parts and have to kind of try to distract myself so I can get into it. Not ALL the time but it's becoming more often. I think it was good while we were totally broken up because I didn't feel any pressure and felt like I could be myself and wasn't feeling like I'm going to be stuck having hetero sex forever. Also it was a way to connect without talking, I'm bad atb talking about how I feel. I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey scale. He is unemployed and has a lot of mental health stuff that's been preventing him from working but since we broke up he's gotten back into music, so he's being more productive in that way. I'm helping him apply for assistance stuff so he can be more independent. I think I figured some stuff out, I love him but not in a romantic way, it's become like a best friend with benefits thing for me, but he's very romantically in love with me. So I need to talk to him about it soon... I really feel like once we're fully apart I'll never date men again. It's just not the thing for me.
Hey @PeachyGirl as the others said try not to be too hard on yourself but at the same time the sooner you tell him the better. The more he feels better and potentially believes this might work the more hurt he will be when you tell him it isnt going to. Perhaps it would be possible to see a relationship counselor or someone who can help you work through the breaking up of the relationship in the easiest way possible for both of you? I can understand these things are difficult for you to talk about but ultimately even if you were straight if you didn't want to be with him any more then that is within your rights.
It sounds like you are stuck in a place where you feel as if you are responsible for him and his problems. That would even kill the attraction in a completely hetero relationship. You need to make some plans and figure out a way to live apart.
Hello @PeachyGirl I’ve nothing much to add to the great advice already given here. I was in a similar situation once. You love and adore him but not in a romantic way. You enjoy the closeness and because you’ve shared a sexual relationship it’s so easy for you to perhaps use that as part of the routine in your relationship now. You’re wanting to love and look after him. You feel guilty and are trying to be the person he wants you to be. However, in your heart and mind you want to be free to have all this with a woman. Be kind to yourself. It’s such a tough situation to be in. I’ve been there. You just need to communicate all your thoughts with him. That’s what will benefit you and him at the end of the day. You can still be there for him, still love him but as best friends only. People here understand.
Ohmygod THANK YOU. Yes that's exactly what it's like. It's such a relief that people here understand.
