So, I’ve not been here for a long time. My fiancé and I broke up during late 2020 and during the first major lockdown we had in the UK. His insecurities and anxieties about “us” and me were getting to the point of extreme irrationality. I’d get accused of all sorts of things, he’s literally be seeing things that weren’t happening and in the end he convinced himself we didn’t have a future together. It was utterly heartbreaking and I’ve spent the last year and a half coming to terms with grief I never imagined I could experience. He believes he has a “bit” of bi-polar. He refused to ever go and talk to anyone about his anxiety and insecurities and trust issues, despite the real problems it caused him and ultimately me. I began to feel stronger and more confident at the end of the year and have been on three or four dates in the last six months or so. I’ve never progressed beyond date two with anyone of them as the second date always seems to be the one where the first date flutters have vanished and I’m not interested in someone that just makes me feel “hmmm”. That is until I met a guy a week ago. We chatted online and met the next day for a picnic in a local park. And it was amazing. We hit it off straight away, and we spent hours in the sun chatting and ended up lying in each other’s arms in to the evening, eating and drinking. It felt lovely. Throughout our conversation he told me about his coming out and the really difficult relationship with his father as a result, and how he had been diagnosed with type 2 bi-polar as a result of various traumatic events in the last few years, and seeking help with them, and has medication that helps control it to an extent He has trust issues as well as a result of a couple of bad breakups. I really like him, and it’s clear he likes me. But I am in this situation where I become scared that I end up in a similar situation I had with my ex. I know the advice from some of my friends will be “get rid of him”. But he’s an intelligent, smart and from the time we spent together, caring guy is really like to get to know better. So. How do I show up for him that shows him I understand or at least want to understand when he feels low, etc I know that it will have taken a lot for him to tell me everything and risk me walking away. I’m not that kind of person but I also was badly hurt trying to give my ex a safe and secure world he could just be himself in, and he just spiralled into what felt like a breakdown and nothing I said or did helped at all. I’m not sure I’m articulating this well. Bottom line. I don’t want to mess this up, I don’t want him thinking that I’d just run away at the first mention of mental health, but by the same token I want to set myself reasonable boundaries so he if things aren’t going well I know when I need to walk away. How do I show him I’m a decent, kind and understanding guy who wants to get to know him better, without him getting terrified it’s moving too fast, or he can’t trust guys, etc.
Well, I can relate quite a bit. My ex-wife is bipolar and it was the nail in the coffin for us. A year and a half of hell. So I totally get the concern and hesitance you feel right now. I think I'd let him know about your history but let him know that it isn't a deal breaker (if it isn't). Hopefully, he is on the right meds, stabilized, and keeping with it. If he is, there's a good chance things will be okay.
My thoughts are that you're moving a bit too fast and anticipating things that may or may not happen. So I would slow down and not get emotionally attached too quickly ... let things unfold in time. I also think you're too focused on taking care of him and trying to let him know you're not judging him. Instead I think you need to focus on yourself ... how you feel about him and the situation as it unfolds, and whether you're comfortable and getting what you want out of the relationship. I think you should "judge" him in the sense that you figure out if he's a good fit for what you want. I wonder if you have an attraction "difficult" men, given that you found the other guys only "hmmm".
Thanks. I get what you’re saying. And that all makes sense. I don’t want to attract guys who are “difficult”. Everyone has issues of some sort or other and I’d be naive to think otherwise. I just want to put my best foot forward and show that I am trying to understand. But you’re right that I need to make sure my needs are met as we see if things might work out.
Firstly it seems like he is taking care of himself with his bipolar and he’s on medication and seems to have it all under control. So he is aware of himself and he will know what to do if he feels like he’s heading in a direction where he needs some more help. He has also talked about it so he seems good at communicating. That’s also good because if he has any issues he will be able to talk to you about them. You can then put his mind at rest. If I were you I’d just carry on enjoying dating him, and tell him that if ever he feels he needs to talk about his feelings regarding his mental health then he can talk to you and you will understand. Sometimes it’s not what condition someone has, it’s how they deal with it and how they look after themselves. Good communication is the key. Im sorry you went through such heartbreak before, and I can well understand your fears here. Good luck.
Highland2.....It seems that you two have already managed to start a good line of communication. I think that is where you need to go with this...communication. By honest and open, you can still be somewhat low key, but communication is the glue that holds together any relationship. You already have some...so build on it. .....David
I am so sorry to hear about the breakup and what you have gone through! You are very special to my guy and me, because when he was googling for coming out resources 8 years ago, he stumbled on your story, and his path and mine crossed for the first time. I wish I could offer words of advice, but all I can really say is that you have a good heart and deserve happiness with someone whom you trust to treat you well and give you love you can count on. Be strong.
Thank you @Choirboy. I’m glad to hear that your are both still together ❤️ And thanks for your kind words. My ex and I are still in touch with each other. But I have moved on and have no desire for him. It is still sad at times. But my life now is very different, and freer, than it was back then. I didn’t see what I had done to myself, contorting my life to avoid him getting anxious and insecure over day to day things, or imagined things. You almost give another piece of yourself away every time you make another change. The guy I’ve been on the date with, I met again this week. We had dinner together out and it was good and relaxed. He talks about being worried about how much he’s shared with me and how he worries he’d put me off after our first date. He wants to take things slowly. I’m not used to dating again, and not used to someone who is very different to me. I’m extroverted and talkative, decisive and energised. I’m learning about patience and it’s a new feeling for me. But I want to give it some time and see how he might slowly open up and trust me and see I’m waiting and being respectful to his needs. I have needs too, but to gain his trust I need to let him see I’m listening.
I see one key difference between your ex and the guy you are seeing now and it's very significant; your new guy is self aware and has sought help to get himself to a more stable place while your ex refused any sort of help and only believes he is "a bit bipolar" (he may not be). The fact that he has put in that personal work to get himself to a more stable place speaks volumes and I would always give someone a break when they demonstrate that sort of commitment to themselves. In telling you about his past he has allowed himself to be vulnerable with you and that's a big thing at this early stage. I can only urge you to reciprocate and tell him where you stand after the break up with your ex. Be honest about your concerns and try to find a way to bridge issues if you really like him and want to take things further. Give and take!
Thanks @PatrickUK, that’s a really helpful perspective. And one I had considered but was just unsure how to acknowledge. I’ve shared bits but not how the behaviours made me feel and how it’s made me cautious as well. I think the danger is that one person will talk about having trust issues and being afraid but possibly not consider the other person may have exactly the same fears or worries and, being open and vulnerable myself will hopefully let him see that.
