Reviewing the Past

I often reflect and wonder how different my life would of been had I not grown up in a Midwest conservative situation. The 80s and early 90s when I was growing up. It was a rough world to be gay in. And I feared and fought to not be found out even though I had secret dalliances and flings. All while trying my damnest to be the stereotypical straight redneck kid like all the others in the small town I lived in.

I am not saying kids today have it easy by any means. But is society more accepting of it today? Absolutely.

So I sit and ponder as I travel the US in my rig what would it have been like to be able to come out as a young adolescent. How would that have changed who I became? Would I still have all the life experience I have now or would it be drastically different. I too mourn at times the days gone by and the what ifs.

There's a quote and I don't remember who wrote it, but it said "I don't regret being gay, I regret that I wasted my youth worried about someone else's happiness." Or something to that effect.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know someone else felt this.

 

Same here, but I was outed. But after a quite a bit of time, things became a lot better.

 

I told myself quite some time ago to only look forward, not back, I cannot change the past, only the future. However, in saying this it's definitely hard not to wonder what things would've been like had I had the opportunity to grow up openly gay but like many, growing up in the 80's it wasn't really an option. I said openly gay here as I believe I still grew up gay, just in denial believing gay was a choice. It was not.

Looking back I definitely wasn't strong enough to face the music for my sexuality and mainly due to societal and parental expectations, I felt I had no choice but to bury it in the hopes it would fade. It only grew stronger, which lead to slip ups over the years. Once I made the conscious decision to accept and embrace my sexuality, as I should've had the right to do so as a young man, I realised I had made a mistake many years ago burying it and to this day, it still remains my biggest regret. Not being able to be myself and explore my gay sexuality growing up. If only I could go back in time.... I'd probably still do the same. 80's sucked for gay people. I'm just glad it's not as bad today as it was for us then. I'm not saying it's good now, but it's definitely not as bad, which gives me hope for the future.

 

I sometimes wish I could have been able to explore my attraction to boys growing up, because looking back I defiantly had unrecognized boy crushes.

Like Neil Patrick Harris said “he’d get tingly feeling around certain boys” I wish I could have had the opportunity growing up to enjoy the male body. I guess I was in denial I remember in my early 20s forcing myself to find some girls attractive but it turns out both are gay themselves.

 

I often look back and wonder what path I would have taken had there been information about LGBT and more help back when I was a young teen.

I wonder how different my life would have been and how easier it might have been too.

I am happy that I did finally get the chance to come out and be my authentic self. But I just wish I was younger. I seemed to shine for a little while when I first came out but then I seemed to age and the spark of youth went altogether. I often look at younger photos of myself and wish I could have been out back then.

But then I think that I’m glad I’ve had the chance to come out because some people never get that chance and are hidden their whole lives.

 

I feel the same. How different would it have been if I could have admitted and recognized my feelings and attraction for girls/women? Would it have saved some of my friendships? Would my life now look very different?
In my teens and twenties I had a series of intense, bordering on passionate close friendships with girls and women, that ended up going wrong in different ways. I wonder that if could have admitted to myself (and them) that I was experiencing romantic and sexual attraction, that things would have been different? I even had the chance to be with one of these friends, she made lots of hints and suggestions. But I was so uncomfortable and scared by my intense feelings that I ran away, and I buried them deep. I was also committed to my BF, now spouse.
I empathise with this sense of loss, of what might have been. Especially as a woman, ageing. There's also stuff around middle aged sexuality, and sexual expression/desire, feeling invisible etc....
I do have one happy thing to say though, and that's as I embrace my sexuality I am noticing the beauty in pretty much every woman I see everywhere! I went on a night out for the first time in a while last weekend, and literally, all I could see were gorgeous women everywhere! I felt like my eyes had been opened and I could appreciate my own gaze, finally.

 

I guess I always thought it was a kink I’d grow out of as I got older. But it turns out I’ve grown more attracted to men.

 

Totally on the same page. Growing up in the 80s the very idea of being queer or bi or gay was basically labeled a death sentence because of AIDs. I knew what I liked and wanted then but forced myself to bury it deep. We can mourn, but maybe also celebrate coming through all of that to still embrace and accept who we are. Queer. And proud of it.

 

I've done some of that myself. Not to dwell on it, exactly, but understanding how the me that was became who I am now will help me to do better for myself in the future.

Mostly I'm surprised at how exactly I managed to keep this from myself for so long because some of the signs seem really obvious now!

While I do wish I'd figured it out earlier I'm also glad with where I ended up, and right now I'm just happy to be in a place where I'm being fully true to myself and that's a big improvement so I'm going to take that as a win.

 

I've noticed something similar, but for men. I've always noticed attractive women around and acknowledged that reaction, but I've always diverted or distracted myself from that with attractive men, and I'm no longer doing that.

I'm also finding that I seem to just be more in tune to noticing in the first place now.

 

I remember having same sex attractions at a very young age. I guess I thought nothing if it. As I got older, And saw the stigma, and the bullying, I was terrified someone would find out. When I acted on my feelings and desires for the first time, it was AMAZING. But I felt sooo guilty and disgusted afterwards and was overtaken by my internalized homophobia. This went on throughout HS and college. I tried dating women and tried having straight sex for the first time and failed at it. I was devastated by that. We tried again the next morning and got it to work. I thought to myself..thank goodness I’m not gay, I can have sex with a woman. How ridiculous that was thinking back now.

 

It is incredibly sad to think of the stigma society has/ had for same sex attraction. So many of us were forced into heterosexual relationships because we were afraid of revealing our true nature. We lived unhappy lives because others had decided whom we could be in a relationship with. Our bodies couldn’t lie about our attraction but we allowed our minds to override our physical same sex attraction. Like so many I struggled with sexual intimacy with women which made me feel inadequate. I fantasized about men and it made me feel guilty. All because someone else decided homosexuality was wrong. It took years and meeting the man that rocked my world to finally say enough. I no longer want to pretend I am straight. So many wasted years torturing myself about my same sex attraction makes me sad even now.

 

I’m glad you are at this point in your life. Hopefully I am right behind you.

 

I was so worried as I first acknowledged my homosexuality that I would do something that would alert people I was gay. The stress was horrible as I felt I had to watch every word and action. It was exhausting to say the least. Here I was actively involved in a same sex relationship but afraid to let people know. It was relief when I finally came out. No more worries about being found out or being outed. I outed myself finally. I slowly became comfortable with PDAs and that changed the course of my coming out to being totally and honestly out.

 

One of the things I always fantasize about, aside from the sex and topping a really hot guy with a wonderful tushy, is the PDAs. Just being out in public and holding hands, kissing, rubbing his neck..all things I see straight couples doing..I love that thought.

 

Oh me too, 100%. One of my fantasies is going to a crowded movie theater with a boyfriend, touching his back and ass in line for popcorn, getting in our seats and kissing a bit before the movie starts. The most public display of gay affection possible.

 

Yes! I love that thought!!!!!

 

One of mine as always been being on the beach together and being affectionate, kissing, hugging and being playful with my man just as straight couples are. At least for a while I had that. I long for those beach days again. Being gay in public was exhilarating for me.