Hello my name is Maya and I am 13. I recently realised that I am a lesbian. I wanted to tell my parents but when I asked my father of what he thought about gay and lesbian people he said it’s unnatural and a mental illness. I’m not sure what to do now… please leave any advice in the comments. Anything will be helpful!
Well, first of all, he's wrong and it's not unnatural or a mental illness. You're a normal young woman with her life ahead of her, and you deserve happiness and acceptance. Second of all, maybe also talk to your mom, not to come out, but just to see how she feels. Third of all... maybe you shouldn't come out yet. It depends. Unfortunately, since you are currently dependent on your parents, it might not be the best idea to come out if you feel there is the chance of abuse, the chance of being kicked out or simply the chance of losing some privileges. Weigh your options carefully. Maybe they will not be abusive, but you will not receive the same amount of support for something like college or other things? They should always support you and your orientation should not be the reason to lose any of it. It sucks that you are (possibly) in a situation where it is unsafe to come out, but that might be where you are. You might want to wait until you are independent. One thing you can do in the meantime is to position yourself as an ally/supporter of LGBT people. Since you're in Florida (Jacksonville, FL, I assume), you have the "Don't say gay" bill to talk about. Be sure to learn the details of that and be able to argue this case. They might question you about why you care so much about this issue, but remember, don't come out if you have decided it is not a safe/supportive environment. And never come out in the heat of an argument. Just say that you are compassionate and have empathy for others, and this is the 21st freaking century and people can learn to accept others' differences, and that should start at a young age. What you can be really proud of is the fact that you have come out to yourself! That is a huge achievement. Congratulations! EDIT: Do you have any friends who it would be safe to come out to? That would be a safer first step. My friends in high school were all very homophobic. I would have had to be in a completely different environment to come out as bi back then, or completely change my circle of friends. It's not always easy to be different, but it's your superpower. Own it, but be wise about your situation and personal safety.
Hey I am sorry your Dad reacted like that, it doesnt mean he wont ever accept it but it does mean you probably just want to tread carefully for the moment. Have you any idea on your mothers views on LGBT people? It might be worth not coming out for a bit just whilst you try and establish exactly how they might react if you did come out. Do you have anyone else you can confide in?
Hello, @Maya4463. I'm sorry your father reacted like that. It must be really hard, holding this in out of fear for what he'd think about his own daughter being a lesbian. Sometimes, parents can do a 180 when it's their own child coming out as gay: sometimes that 180 is for the best, and in the case of parents who usually preach tolerance, sometimes it's for the worst. In the latter event, the idea of gay people is fine to the parent, but the moment it's their child, all of their preconceived notions--about gay people, about what their child's life would be like when they grow up, etc. falls apart. That's never the fault of the child; children don't exist to live out their parents' wishes. But sometimes, even the most well-meaning parent gets swept up in what they hope for their kid's future. Usually it comes from a place of love, worrying that being different will lead them down a road of great suffering. In your father's case...well, it's possible he might feel differently if he knows you aren't straight. He might find a reservoir of tolerance and understanding he previously hasn't explored, out of love for you. Or he might not. I wish I could give you a definitive answer as to how to approach this, but all I can suggest is caution. You know your father better than anyone here: how do you think he'd react to you being lesbian? What about your mother? If there's any chance of either parent becoming abusive, kicking you out, or anything else that makes life more difficult, I advise not coming out--at least not yet. I know it's hard, especially when you want to be able to share this part of yourself with those you love; but if your safety is at risk, it's best to wait until you have some sort of plan: a friend or trusted family member you can stay with, should the worst happen. A shelter you can go to. Anywhere where you'll be safe and cared for until either your parents come to grips with the truth, or you're old enough to take care of yourself. Do you know of anyone you can stay with, if your parents have an adverse reaction? If not, you might have to keep it to yourself for a while longer.
Maya.....Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! Some important factors in deciding when to come out are: *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you. *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important. You are 13 years old...there is a long time until you are an adult. Even though waiting might be really difficult, living in a house where there is constant conflict because you came out and you dad/parents did not accept it could easily be much worse. Making the post that you did is a good start, but it's just a start and you have a ways to go yet. *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can still be a problem. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out. *****There is an organization called the Trevor Project, you may want to get in touch with them. They specialize in working with pre-teens and teens. They have a lot of experience in working with situations like yours. Their phone number is 1-866-488-7386. You can reach them on the internet by typing thetrevorproject.org. They can be contacted 24 hours a day. Depending where you live there may also be a local LGBT Support organization. Just search for them on Google and ask if they have contact/support groups for teenagers. *****Also, you might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. A big plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! You can then use the letter as a "script" for when you do come out face-to-face. Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help! *****When you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person. *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you! .....David
