Alright, I'm back on this site because I've been having a query for awhile. So, the story is that I got into my first relationship a year ago. I love him dearly and I wanted him to be in life for the rest of time. However, I didn't feel like I could never date anyone else. I still had crushes on other people, including a girl, which made me question my sexuality. In reality, I think I've had multiple crushes on girls before, but I shoved thr feeling away due to internalized homophobia. My ex got made at me when I told him I had crushes on other people and that I couldn't see just dating him for the rest of my life. I wanted to pursue other relationships, flirt, cuddle, and do sexual things with other people but I still wanted to be with him. He was disgusted by how I couldn't just love him or see that he was enough and I lost his trust which true to brutal arguments and eventually our breakup. At first I thought I was aromantic because I thought I was just uncomfotable doing romantic things with him. But then I realized I could, I just didn't see doing those things with just him all the time. I got tired of being with just him. I wanted to refresh and go to another person, but I had nobody, so I ran back to him, which confused my ex even more. Another reason why I thought I might be poly is that I had no issue with the thought of him being with other girls. I even consider telling him back when we first dated to have sex with other girls because I wasn't ready to do the thing yet. Sure, I got mad at him when he kissed another girl the day after we broke up but that's because he lied to me and said he could never kiss someone else after me. Now, I do realized that maybe I didn't truly love him or I was trying to control him too much during our relationship, but that's because nothing ever felt right when I was with him because of the thought that if I wanted him, it could only be him, which felt so limiting. I wanted him, really. He was my best friend and the best moral support I could ask for, but didn't want just him. So, am I poly? Confused? Something else?
Hi @Dragon Master I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling confused and that your relationship did not end well. I’ve never been in a ploy relationship, but hopefully I can say something that will help a little. Firstly, people do get crushes on other people whilst in relationships, even long term, monogamous relationships. It happens. I can understand why your ex reacted badly, but it’s good that you did attempt to talk to them about how you were feeling. From the rest of what you’ve said, it’s not clear whether it didn’t work because you felt unhappy and unfulfilled in that particular relationship, or because a poly relationship would be more suitable for you. My relationship with my (male) ex felt suffocating and nothing ever felt right, but that was due to the relationship itself not being right. Perhaps you could spend some time thinking this through. For example, if you were in a relationship where everything did feel right, would you be happy for them to have other relationships with other people? Would you want to have other relationships too? Allow yourself time to heal from this relationship first, but it is likely something that you will figure out over time with more experience of relationships. Even where relationships don’t work out, they are opportunities to learn about ourselves and our preferences.
