Hey everyone. I’ve read a lot of your stories here and was just wondering if anyone could potentially relate to mine. I am unsure of who I am sexually and have been struggling with what I sometimes believe is repression for a while. I’m 27 years old and am still a virgin. I’ve always been somewhat scared of dating girls, for fear of rejection, for fear they might not like “what’s under there”, etc. I have a lot of hang-ups about my appearance as well which doesn’t help. I don’t think the thought of being with a man really crossed my mind until earlier this year. I thought I’d just lists points down and see if any of you could see yourself in them. Disclaimer: a lot of the stuff below gets kind of weird and oddly specific. Points that make me believe I’m repressed: Gay porn arouses me. I don’t think it’s the intercourse or the actors that necessarily arouse me though. It may be the anticipation of sex? The other day I was watching a scene where a guy was pulling down another guy’s underwear and I became super aroused. I think I was imagining myself as the guy whose underwear was being pulled down, but the second I saw his penis I lost my arousal. My heart started beating really fast at this point and I started masturbating to the thought of wearing underwear and having it pulled down and I came really fast. It was beyond bizarre. I also get aroused if the guys penis looks like mine. Like in BJ scenes and stuff. I can imagine the sensations and the stimulus feels pretty strong. I’m sure it wouldn’t take me long to get off to it. I get uncomfortable around pics of guys in their underwear. I don’t know when this started happening. I remember when I was young I used to masturbate in my underwear. Weird thing to admit, but I just felt it was an easier cleanup. I think because of this whenever I put on my underwear, I sometimes get the urge to masturbate. I sometimes get a horny feeling in my groin when I see these pics. Its not an erection though and when I try to fantasize about having sex with the guy, I’m still unable to get an erection. With girls, I sometimes get this feeling, but I usually always get an erection when I fantasize. Did any of you suppress your arousal to guys before coming out? I notice guys on the streets. I can definitely tell if a guy goes to the gym or gets a lot of girls. I don’t necessarily find it uncomfortable talking to guys who are good looking, like I do with girls who are good looking, but I find myself feeling miserable if I feel they are good looking. I don’t know whether this is because I think I’m attracted to them. I feel like notice good looking guys more than good looking girls as well. I don’t know what that means either. Points that make me confused. I’m not aroused by same sex fantasies. When I try to fantasize about a guy, its usually from the first person. I sometimes try to create a story in my head to see if that helps. Sometimes I just go straight to sex part. I’ve tried third person fantasizing as well. It doesn’t really matter. I can never seems to get an erection or climax from these fantasies. Were any of you unable to get aroused by same sex fantasies in the beginning of coming out to yourself? I am aroused by straight fantasies. Always from the first person. I get an erection pretty fast thinking about girls but climaxing sometimes takes a while without a photo aid or porn, but I can nonetheless. I am aroused by straight porn. When I’m watching straight sex or lesbians I do “focus” on this girl. I enjoy watching the girls being touched and i’m positive I imagine myself doing the touching. I watch a lot of solo porn and I can fantasize myself having sex with the girl fairly easily. I am currently in therapy, and was recently diagnosed with GAD and was prescribed a starter dose of Fluoxetine. I am having difficulty bringing these above points up to my therapist because of the sexual nature of it all so I’ve stuck with talking about other problems I’m having like social anxiety and self-esteem, etc. No offense to anyone here, but considering my age, how I was raised, and having a sibling who is openly gay, its kind of embarrassing bringing up the fact that I could be a repressed homosexual. If any of you can relate and have any advice about overcoming repression or how I can bring it up to my therapist, I would be greatly in debt. I've been struggling a lot with this and I feel kind of hopeless at this point even while in therapy.
Have you tried talking about it with someone other than your therapist like a close family member or friend? That’s how it worked for me to better understand myself. My mom told me one night she had caught onto the fact I was starting to find shirtless men attractive. In a way that wasn’t homophobic or forcing me into admitting it when I wasn’t ready. A few days later when my dad confronted me about it, those circumstances were a bit different. He did try to force me into admitting it, but knowing how some people see that I repeatedly told him no. Until he asked: you won’t admit it because your afraid I’ll kick you out of this house right? I replied yes only to get a response from him I wasn’t expecting. He explained to me how that wasn’t going to happen because me possibly being gay doesn’t mean I’m no longer his son. Only for my mom to show that same level of support afterwards. Now that I’m more comfortable with that part of myself their attitude towards it still remains the same.
Thank you for your response caden. While I've briefly talked about it with both of my brothers, one of them told me that I needed to stop overthinking everything and the other suggested I seek out therapy. My youngest brother has always been compassionate, but it's difficult. On one hand, the idea of being repressed or in denial just wouldn't make sense to him as he never had the same issue. On the other hand, I don't want him to conflate the idea of me needing therapy and having anxiety around my sexuality with me being disapproving of who he is. I also get the impression that both of them don't understand how real all this feels to me. Every piece of evidence or confusion I bring to them, they always minimize it. I go to them for answers or at least some reassurance and it seems I can never get it.
The impression that I get from the tenor of your post is that your issue is more with the anxiety and might even be and OCD type issue. You sound a lot like the people who come here with OCD that concentrates on their sexuality who come here and talk about it. Being aroused by porn is simply natural, that is the whole purpose of porn. What porn you are aroused by is not necessarily related to your actual sexuality. The fact that you are not aroused by same sex fantasies but are aroused by opposite sex fantasies points to you being straight.
You’re welcome, it’s sad to hear your going through that. My best female friend was dismissive at first too, but later on I learned it was out of fear for my safety rather than what I was becoming. That situation and the other two I mentioned taught me a valuable lesson I’ll always remember. In moments of questioning your sexuality it’s important to keep the people who will support you close.
