So, it has been two weeks since my (second) girlfriend and I properly split up. Finally I could not cope with the PTSD - erratic changes of mood, the excessive alcohol consumption, the self-loathing, the long term court case against her former employer, her ambivalence towards my daughter, the stress of the situation. She has sent one or two pretty scathing messages about my character, my sexuality and so on. Here's the thing: I am gay. I can even remember the day when I just accepted it and made peace with myself in September 2018: I sobbed my eyes out quite suddenly and cathartically in front of "Blue is the Warmest Colour" and my then (first) girlfriend simply told me to stop because I was scaring her. And. Yet. BAM! That was the turning point in terms of my sexuality. I found peace with it. My psyche just kinda said "Right, this is me and this is it. Here you are Peterpangirl and you are whole". I love nothing more than to be curled up next to a woman with whom I feel I have formed a loving connection. And I genuinely also like my own company and quiet time and hours just slip by in my own world (which caused my ex much insecurity when I drifted off into my own world) I just think the chances of meeting a compatible woman in the future are slim. And I feel sad. I love my friends but I know I will always crave a special connection with a woman and it all seems a bit pointless. Feeling a bit sorry for myself and have nowhere to express it but here.
From the song part onward it’s scary how much I relate to this. The only three differences are I want a special connection with a man, mine involved a different song, and it was my mother who was there for me in that point. Other than that it literally felt like you were reading my mind.
I hope you find your special connection one day. In the meantime I wish you deep inner peace and the healing power of self-acceptance.
I understand that sadness, having only relatively recently started my journey of acceptance, I am surrounded by some good friends but I long to be in that special relationship except I am so afraid of the rejection that I can’t even being to let anyone close. I’m still in a little bit of denial that it would be with a woman. But I have known the loving embrace of someone I truly loved and if I could just capture that emotion of being with her and laying together in each other’s arms, so at peace, it’s so precious that I do crave it again. I’m sorry your feel down, and I can’t really offer you many wise words, but I wish you well and hope you feeling a bit better x
[QUOTE="I love nothing more than to be curled up next to a woman with whom I feel I have formed a loving connection. And I genuinely also like my own company and quiet time and hours just slip by in my own world (which caused my ex much insecurity when I drifted off into my own world) I just think the chances of meeting a compatible woman in the future are slim. And I feel sad. I love my friends but I know I will always crave a special connection with a woman and it all seems a bit pointless. Feeling a bit sorry for myself and have nowhere to express it but here.[/QUOTE] It is completely natural that you should be feeling this way. After years of longing, to feel that what you most desire is finally within your grasp, only to then lose it for whatever reason, is a major blow. Depending on your own personal belief system, this may trigger thoughts such as "I don't deserve happiness", "I'm fated never to be happy", and despite knowing these thoughts are unhelpful, it can be hard at this particular point in time to believe that they may not be true. But you are actually in a better place now, in terms of finding a new and satisfying relationship with a woman, than you were before, because you now have much more information available to you in terms of what you need from such a relationship, how you operate within relationships, what you find difficult, what patterns and tendencies you have observed in yourself and others, and so on. It sounds like you were pretty clued up, and did the right thing for you, so even if your happiness levels are temporarily at a low, you can be proud that your levels of self-respect and self-care are functioning well. If you are experiencing any confusion over why things turned out the way they did, then you may want to explore things further with a therapist, grief counsellor, or good friend. I don't know how old you are, but a couple of years ago, I was experiencing similar feelings to you. I came out at 55, had my first same sex relationship aged 57, and ended it at 59 when I found out she was making plans to go on holiday with her ex. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it didn't stop me feeling devastated over the next few months. I berated myself for leaving it so late before coming out, and was convinced I had left it too late to find anyone else. After talking things through with my therapist, I felt I had a clear idea of the things I should be looking for and doing when it came to any future relationship. Three weeks after we split, I subscribed to an online dating website. Not because I felt that I was in any way ready yet for a new relationship, as I was still bursting into tears multiple times a day, but I felt it would help me to feel better if I could reassure myself there were still people my age out there, and that it would boost my confidence for when I was finally ready to date once more. It had taken me 15 months of looking online before I finally found my first partner, so I reasoned that if it was going to take that long again, i was best starting now, since time was not on my side. My intention was simply to chat, and immerse myself very slowly. What actually happened was that within three months I had 3 women asking me to go out with them. I told the first I wasn't ready, but she still wanted to meet, so we did. I burst into tears during our lunch date, as a result of which she agreed with me. The second woman was much younger than me, and we bonded over a love of books and country walks. We pretty soon came to the mutual decision that the age gap wouldn't work for various reasons, but she was lovely, and it felt great to know that a 47 year old had fancied me enough to ask me out! The third woman was 5 years older than me, had lost her partner 9 years previously, and had only recently reached the point where she felt able to date again. Once again, I found myself getting upset as we shared our stories, and told her that I feared I wasn't ready, it would be unfair of me to expect anything from her in the circumstances, if only we had met several months down the line we would have stood a chance, but with things the way they were........! However, deep down we experienced a strong connection, and she said she was prepared to wait with me and see what happened. What happened is that we enjoyed casual coffee dates for a few weeks, my grief over what had happened with my ex subsided naturally over time, and a family tragedy on her side drew us closer, which enabled me to support her as she had supported me. We have now been together for a year and a half, and both feel exceedingly lucky, like we have hit the jackpot! I have shared all this in the hope that it will comfort you to know that it is never too late, and whilst you are currently grieving the loss of all the hopes that you had for your relationship at the outset, this does not mean there isn't still somebody out there for you, and you will know when you have healed enough to enable you to set out and find them.
You are welcome. 100% welcome. As LGBT people the least we can do to repair the damage done to us by culture and society is to care for each other as brothers and sisters.
It is completely natural that you should be feeling this way. After years of longing, to feel that what you most desire is finally within your grasp, only to then lose it for whatever reason, is a major blow. Depending on your own personal belief system, this may trigger thoughts such as "I don't deserve happiness", "I'm fated never to be happy", and despite knowing these thoughts are unhelpful, it can be hard at this particular point in time to believe that they may not be true. But you are actually in a better place now, in terms of finding a new and satisfying relationship with a woman, than you were before, because you now have much more information available to you in terms of what you need from such a relationship, how you operate within relationships, what you find difficult, what patterns and tendencies you have observed in yourself and others, and so on. It sounds like you were pretty clued up, and did the right thing for you, so even if your happiness levels are temporarily at a low, you can be proud that your levels of self-respect and self-care are functioning well. If you are experiencing any confusion over why things turned out the way they did, then you may want to explore things further with a therapist, grief counsellor, or good friend. I don't know how old you are, but a couple of years ago, I was experiencing similar feelings to you. I came out at 55, had my first same sex relationship aged 57, and ended it at 59 when I found out she was making plans to go on holiday with her ex. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it didn't stop me feeling devastated over the next few months. I berated myself for leaving it so late before coming out, and was convinced I had left it too late to find anyone else. After talking things through with my therapist, I felt I had a clear idea of the things I should be looking for and doing when it came to any future relationship. Three weeks after we split, I subscribed to an online dating website. Not because I felt that I was in any way ready yet for a new relationship, as I was still bursting into tears multiple times a day, but I felt it would help me to feel better if I could reassure myself there were still people my age out there, and that it would boost my confidence for when I was finally ready to date once more. It had taken me 15 months of looking online before I finally found my first partner, so I reasoned that if it was going to take that long again, i was best starting now, since time was not on my side. My intention was simply to chat, and immerse myself very slowly. What actually happened was that within three months I had 3 women asking me to go out with them. I told the first I wasn't ready, but she still wanted to meet, so we did. I burst into tears during our lunch date, as a result of which she agreed with me. The second woman was much younger than me, and we bonded over a love of books and country walks. We pretty soon came to the mutual decision that the age gap wouldn't work for various reasons, but she was lovely, and it felt great to know that a 47 year old had fancied me enough to ask me out! The third woman was 5 years older than me, had lost her partner 9 years previously, and had only recently reached the point where she felt able to date again. Once again, I found myself getting upset as we shared our stories, and told her that I feared I wasn't ready, it would be unfair of me to expect anything from her in the circumstances, if only we had met several months down the line we would have stood a chance, but with things the way they were........! However, deep down we experienced a strong connection, and she said she was prepared to wait with me and see what happened. What happened is that we enjoyed casual coffee dates for a few weeks, my grief over what had happened with my ex subsided naturally over time, and a family tragedy on her side drew us closer, which enabled me to support her as she had supported me. We have now been together for a year and a half, and both feel exceedingly lucky, like we have hit the jackpot! I have shared all this in the hope that it will comfort you to know that it is never too late, and whilst you are currently grieving the loss of all the hopes that you had for your relationship at the outset, this does not mean there isn't still somebody out there for you, and you will know when you have healed enough to enable you to set out and find them.[/QUOTE] Thank you so much for replying so thoughtfully and compassionately. I have been feeling massively isolated and invisible as a gay woman who is a bit more into classic feminine presentation than anything else . I am still processing and the breakup seems to have reopened the trauma wounds of my first (previous) gay relationship. I have further healing to do. I am going to reread your message and might be able to respond more fully at a later point.
