Does anyone else suffer with insecurities surrounding partners with ex’s when they have a child together? I’ve been in a relationship for just over a year. Boundaries used to be non existent, ex wife would text at any time of the night, when we were having a nice meal together, or being intimate or cuddling or whatever. We have since established some boundaries (ie late at night and the bedroom are for us). I really love that my partner checks on her son so regularly and the part of me that thinks rationally knows it’s her being a good mum as he doesn’t live with her, but visits. They haven’t been together for 9 years. I think this was always going to take some getting used to and that’s been harder due to the lack of boundaries. I know and love that he’s top priority and I’m asking this as I’d really love to feel less anxious, jealous of an ex that I know rationally is a co parent who is ensuring their son has a good upbringing and that’s it. I think it’s because they share something already that I’m planning with someone I love. Her sons great and is part of our family, I’m looking forward to feeling more at ease.
I'm a little confused by your post: Are you saying your partner used to text her ex at inappropriate times, or are you saying he used to text her when you and her were trying to have some alone time? Just looking for clarification. I can't speak as to children being involved, but I've definitely dealt with my share of insecurities involving my husband's ex girlfriends in the past--and sometimes not even girlfriends, but girls he was friends with who would act just a little too flirty with him. Or use me as a messenger to tell him they wanted to hang out. I imagine with a child in the picture, it can be even harder. I think you're going about things well, though. By setting reasonable boundaries so that your partner can both be a good parent and you get time together, you're building a solid foundation for your future. There might be some hiccups along the way (as there are bound to be when children are involved), but I think as long as you remain consistent and clear on those boundaries and make the effort with her son, you'll do just fine.
Thank you for your answer, it’s much appreciated! In relation to boundaries what I meant was the ex would get in contact whenever she wanted, no matter the time, on any platform for anything. This has since changed. There are some things that are really difficult to deal with but rationally make a lot of sense, for example, this year my partners son is spending Christmas with us. She and her ex have gone halves on his gift as it’s quite expensive. This I understand as it means he can still get what he wants for Christmas. It does mean though that nestled under our tree in our new home was a gift for him with the tag from mummy and mummy, and it’s not us, it’s them. I got very upset about it but also understood. It’s really hard when it makes sense logically, it’s a shared gift, there is a child involved but also they aren’t an ‘us’, we are the ‘us’. I talked to her about my conflicted feelings and the gift is in the office now until Xmas morning. Feelings like this come with so much guilt when there is a child involved and it’s not always easy to know what to do, especially when you care for both of them but also have your own valid feelings. Knowing when to suck it up and deal with it and when it’s obviously hurtful and needs compromise isn’t always clear and as the girlfriend you sometimes seem to be the bad guy automatically.
Hi @Goya, I don’t have any experience of being in your situation, but I do co-parent my daughter with my (male) ex. Neither of us have had another relationship since we separated, but hopefully I’ll be able to offer another perspective on your situation. How old is their son? I appreciate that children don’t all mature at the same rate and there’s a personality element too, but in general terms, the younger the child is then I expect the more frequent communication there will be between the parents. My ex and I communicate most days, even if it’s just to send a photo of some art work she’s done. Our daughter is currently seven years old and I doubt we’ll be communicating quite as often when she’s seventeen - I hope by then she’ll be able to communicate with each of us directly to arrange pick up times, etc. With the above, I think you have to try to remember that this isn’t a reflection on you or your relationship. It’s about the child. If you’re in a relationship with somebody with a child, then you have to accept that the child is always going to be their priority. You have to decide whether or not that’s something you can accommodate. The above example (a shared gift) seems fairly unintrusive in the grand scheme of things. For comparison, I spent the whole day with my ex (and our daughter) on her birthday. Does a lot of stuff go backwards and forwards? My ex nearly always send a load of stuff back with our daughter, which annoys me because I don’t want his stuff all over my house. I have mentioned it many times, but it’s like talking to a brick wall, so boundaries aren’t alway easy to maintain. I can understand why communications at inappropriate times might be an issue. With my ex and I, most of the messaging is generally done by the person who has our daughter at that time, to send updates, etc. and I always reply. We generally don’t message after 8pm and I wouldn’t start a conversation with him when I was out eating. I can completely see that there needs to be compromise somewhere, but (in my opinion) a shared gift at Christmas is not something to get upset about. I assume that it’s part of a much bigger picture? In your partners position, I wouldn’t have moved the gift. Can you identify where these feelings are coming from? It’s hard to tell whether your girlfriends behaviour is genuinely unreasonable, or whether it’s coming from a place of insecurity in your relationship.
Thanks for your insight. I’d say it’s from a place of insecurity as well as what’s happened over this year. In the beginning of our relationship my partner was sharing a dog with one ex (most recent) and a child with the other. Both would contact her at any time. The dog is since not being shared any longer as her ex was upset about our relationship. There has also been previous cheating on my partners side which has put me on tender hooks as I have some abandonment stuff on my side (I’ve been working on this in counselling for some time) so the relationship hasn’t had the most secure start. We are both growing together in this and making changes, which has been hard. More than anything I really want this all not to phase me so we can all be happy.
I don’t think my girlfriend is being unreasonable at all, in fact she’s really trying to understand all sides. This post is more about me reaching out for support to feel better about this and make things work. It’s about letting go of perceived emotional attachment between them and seeing it as just 2 people working together to ensure their son is loved. That’s what I’m finding difficult.
I think that you need to take a serious look within yourself and try to figure out why you feel insecure about the situation. You have said that early on there were boundary problems, prior to your being in a relationship with your girlfriend her being contacted at any time by her ex was not a boundary problem and she did not seem to have a problem with it - it was just a natural outgrowth of them having a child together. Once you were in the relationship you set some boundaries and from what you have said these boundaries are being respected. I think that you should concentrate on the fact that your girlfriend is respecting your needs. In fact in my opinion she has been overly solicitous of your demands (hiding the gift so that you do not see her child's other mommy being mentioned in my opinion was out of line). Maybe you should seek out a therapist and try to work out why you feel this need to erase her past relationships. Unless you get involved with someone who has never had a relationship before you must accept that they have a history. When you get involved with someone who has a child you have to accept that not only do they have a past but that they will need to stay in contact with the person from their past, it is best to keep both parents in the child's life whenever possible.
Thanks for your reply. I’d never ever ask for it to be moved and didn’t as I know how important it is for him. I thought talking to her about it was the right thing to do rather than being upset for seemingly no reason. The only thing I’ve ever asked to stop in the year we’ve been together was the late night calls or texts as I didn’t think it was fair. Her response was to move it. You’re right I am having a hard time with it and I’m hoping there are people that have been through similar and I’m interested in what clicked in their insecurity easing. This isn’t about me trying to make her life difficult or not understanding her priorities as I really do! I’ve met someone wonderful that I love and I’d like to make that work. There are no demands, but there are feelings that I’m looking for support with here.
