Sorry if this is a rant, but tonight I realize just how much I want to be with a man, and how happy I am when I accept that I am gay. I want to stay that way. You all have been so helpful getting me this far. I want to go farther I don't want to doubt, question, guilt trip anymore I just want to start living! Being in denial, is literally preventing myself from being happy!
That's awesome. It happening during a pandemic is obviously less awesome timing wise but it will change eventually. Self acceptance is the most amazing liberation.
i know the feeling, i honestly wanna be open about me being me but people are way to full of it at the moment
out2019 — I understand how you feel. I’m very much at peace with myself knowing who I am. My road ahead will no doubt have its twists and turns, but I know the direction now, my compass is set.
You'll get there. It won't always be easy, you'll have days, weeks, maybe longer where you struggle with it--but you will get there. I don't know if this will help, but I found watching a lot of videos dealing with my particular orientation helped: Coming Out videos, explanations on what it is/isn't... Basically anything educational. The more I saw and the more varied the stories/perspectives, the easier it was to come to terms with it. I'm not saying once you reach your destination, you won't still have the odd day where you feel guilt or shame. Some people don't--but if you do, be patient with yourself. It takes a long time to figure things out about ourselves, so it's likely to take as much time (or near it) to fully be okay.
Thanks everyone! Today I woke up with an odd determination - I know acceptance and happiness are my choices- It's such a strange battle we have with ourselves! Thanks! It may seem odd, but when i see members post something like this, I feel so much more at ease and less anxious. It may seem like a 'little' thing but it is so resassuring! Any recommendations?
Today I just started to imagine my life without denial, fear and rationalization. I also started to think about how irrational it is to stop living like I am not gay. The joys of being gay and accepting it: When I am honest with myself, I recognize I have little or no sexual attraction to women, I am not motivated to date them. On the other hand when I accept that I am gay and start to think about the possibilities of dating men, I become very excited. I want to do it. Then fear steps in. That fear is holding me back. For whatever reason, I am gay. That is how I become sexually aroused, sexually and romantically intimate. Denying this is denying my capacity for love. When I am denial, the world feels gray. No real future, no enthusiasm for the future. Coming out: I don't have to come out to the entire world, but some close friends know it, I can start living honestly, I could tell them about my life honestly instead of empty comments about how I just don't meet women. Did I mention living honestly? The closet is living a lie. People on this forum have come out and been happy about it with situations much more complex and harder than mine. I can do this.
No need to worry about a rant. I too experienced that burning desire to be with a man. It became so intense that I could no longer deny it. I had by that time zero interest in women and started to fully embrace being gay. Just keep moving forward in your journey towards your sexual liberation and you will eventually reach the comfort level with your homosexuality.
I was just reading somewhere that if you try to make big changes all at once, it creates big fear which causes the freeze. But if you make little changes, steadily, they add up to big changes. Today I am just imagining what it would feel like to longer be ashamed of being gay. I felt so happy! Just thinking about that, I started to think, why should let my fear of what someone might think keep me from this. I realize now, that's really big fear. What others think. Well there are plenty of people who think it's great that I am being honest about sexuality, and I am beginning to think wait the really brave think to do is come out, to embrace being gay. It's not weak, or whatever I fear people think it is.
I took a big step tonight! I called a lgbtq hotline and spoke to someone. I just told him I was in denial for years but finally started to accept that I am gay a few years ago but now I just feel overwhelmed with shame and fear. He was very understanding and helpful. He suggested that perhaps my fear and shame comes from when I was younger and there was much less acceptance and that can affect you when you are younger. I told him it felt so good to just tell someone I was gay, even anonymously. He thanked me for telling him and being vulnerable enough to do that. It felt so good to say the words I have written here - That I want to be gay and be happy about it. He said I deserve to be with a man that cares for me. It felt so good to hear. It felt so good to just be me! I am gay and it feels so good to accept it!
Tonight, I just had a small taste of a what it's like to get past fear, and be honest and open about being gay. Without the shame and fear, it feels so liberating, freeing and I feel so happy! I realize two things: I have to start spending more time in 'spaces' where I can be vulnerable and open about being gay, and I have to spend less time in spaces that create fear. I realize the incredible power of saying the words I have written here and saying them to another human being, even if that other person just says 'mmm hmm'. I never understood why people found therapy helpful but I think I will give it a try.
Out2019 I am so proud of you. This is a huge step towards embracing the real you. The incredible feeling of freedom and liberation when you first admit to someone else that your gay is life changing. You do indeed deserve to find a loving man that can provide the emotional and sexual satisfaction that a gay man needs. Now that you have taken this path, open yourself to be vulnerable and be honest, you will attract that man you seek.
Thanks! Yes this morning I woke up with an incredible happy feeling. It feels so good to embrace my sexuality, it feels like chains are off! I also have this confidence that I am going to come out fully this time!
Yes, I now understand the vulnerability part a lot better, I remember @Chip had recommended some videos on that and guilt. I know I still have a lot of work to do, and therapy is a must for me, but right now it seems insane that i would ever let this feeling and realization go! But I know on down days that often happens!
What a great post that shows how these thoughts can improve over time as you work on them. Same here, sometimes I feel more confident talking to people but then it can quickly vanish and I see no reason to bother. I thought the book, Out of the Shadows: Reimagining Gay Men's Lives by Walt Odets was pretty interesting. I could relate to a lot of it and see how growing up during the AIDS crisis made it harder to realize I was gay with all the distorted and negative information about us. Sounds like you're on a great path and I hope you find the happiness you want and deserve! Any updates?
out2019.....I share your feelings about being gay. For almost all of my life, I felt that I never really "fit". There was always something nagging me at the back of my mind, but I just couldn't quite get a handle on what it was. I came out here on Empty Closets on December 25, 2014. About six months later I was driving on the Interstate by myself (I do a lot of out-loud thinking when I drive by myself) when it hit me...I do belong! I am a part of the LGBTQ+ Family...I am gay and there are hundreds of thousands of other guys who are like me and I am like them! I had to pull off the road for a good happy-cry. Yes, I do belong and so do you! .....David
I’m in the same boat my friend. I accept it. I’m also married with a young child. I’m GAY! I like being able to shout that if I want. I love my wife. I love my family. I’m going through the part of the coming out process that I’ve accepted I prefer men sexually. Now I’m trying to figure out how I can be myself and still keep my wife and my family. She’s aware that I’ve struggled to accept my homosexuality in the past. I’ve admitted to her every aspect of this. It’s so painful for the both of us it’s makes me sick just writing about it. I need to be able to be happy with being gay. I want to. I am. It’s just difficult letting my family down. Thanks for posting.
Right now, honestly, I am in the 'I am not gay' phase. I rarely post here when I am this way but I think it is important to acknowledge it and not just brush it off as denial. Sometimes gay fantasies feel like 'acting out' - where the longing to be with a woman is not as intense but more like a longing - like something is blocking me from being aroused, like and ED but I really like women. In short, gay fantasizing feels like a drug hit, and after, I feel alienated, where the arousal or attraction to women seems steadier, like a slow steady flame vs. an explosion. I also notice that the gay fantasizing comes when I am anxious or alienated, lonely- similar to a desire to drink alcohol (though I gave up drinking a couple of years ago).
@out2019 - In my threads and some of my replies to others’ threads, I mention a guy who I refer to as ‘my friend’. I had known him for several months at the time, and we were discussing his health insurance coverage. (As I have also mentioned here on EC, my friend and I connect on many different levels.) Anyway, to answer one of his questions, I needed to know his birthdate, so I asked him. Two things resulted from that - I was able to answer his question, plus I realized that his birthday was coming up the following week. I had to get ready! Keep in mind, at the time I was not out to anyone except myself - I knew and accepted who I am a long time ago but kept it to myself. But for reasons very obvious to my friend, he accepted my sexuality as a forgone conclusion. I wanted to do something special for him on his birthday, but nothing too big or expensive that he would feel that he owed me anything in return. To start his day off, I found a birthday cupcake for him (pictured in my current avatar). Based on his response, I’d say I made a very good choice! And I took him to lunch later that day. Nothing fancy, just a local neighborhood fried chicken place. Which brings me to the point of my reply to your thread here, ‘I want to be happy about being gay’. It was at that little fried chicken place that I had a big change inside myself. I was so happy! Hey, it wasn’t my birthday even, it was his, but I felt like I was the one receiving the best present ever! I was finally free of that bogeyman ‘What others think’. Since then, I have been through a lot of ups and downs, but the clarity of that moment on my friend’s birthday is so solid I have zero doubt about my sexuality.