Hi there. I'm a 28 year old cis female, very masculine and butch in appearance. For a while now I've been seriously thinking that I am transgender and I would like some advice and opinions. I came out quite young, at 14 years old. It was a bit of a process discovering my sexuality but it's been amazing accepting myself and being out and proud, I remember I discovered I liked girls because the men I TRIED to like when I was young were very feminine then I would think to myself "Hmm maybe you can get a man who wears makeup, has long blonde hair and doesn't have a penis" when I was trying to convince myself I was straight then I just accepted I'm a lesbian and it's been great, only women can make my heart flutter and give me butterflies, I know I am not interested in men, I can't imagine kissing one or loving one let alone sex with one. I want to give a bit of a background on me. I came across porn quite young, very violent and aggressive porn. I remember seeing a porn video of a man having really aggressive oral sex with a woman with lots of gagging (it looked like she was going to die) and I remember it traumatised me. NOW THAT IS NOT WHY I CAME OUT AS GAY because I know in real life sex isn't always like that but for some reason now, as an adult, I can only masturbate to aggressive oral sex videos of people (men and women) gagging/choking on penis and afterwards I always feel so gross but the thing is, I NEVER EVER see myself as the one doing the oral sex, obviously not, but the one GETTING the bl*wjob. This really confuses me? It makes me scared that I'm straight because I'm watching porn with a penis OR it makes me think that I may be transgender which makes a lot more sense. THIS IS THE ONLY TYPE OF PORN I CAN MASTURBATE TO! Also, I keep remembering things from when I was very young that are even more indicators that makes me believe I may be trans. I remember being very young (about 7-8) when I first discovered my clitoris and I remember saying to my sister "Look I do have a penis", I remember being so SO SO SO happy thinking that I would grow a penis. I remember when I was young, girls were meant to fancy boys, I only liked the boys who's hair I wanted. If someone says that I look like a female celebrity I get offended. If they say that I look like a male celebrity I'm happy. When people see men as a woman, I feel offended. If because I'm born a woman someone thinks I like men, I feel offended, like a straight man would if someone thought he liked men? It's so confusing for me because I genuinely do feel like a straight male trapped in a females body. I feel offended and anxious being viewed as a woman. It's hard to explain and I know I'm all over the place. Another thing is, I've always wanted children but cannot fathom giving birth. I feel truly upset by the fact that I cannot get a woman pregnant and I feel quite jealous of men. Ever since I was young I've had a hatred for my little brother and I genuinely think it's because I'm jealous that he was born a male.
If you're looking at agressive porn, it's most likely internalized sexism. "Men have it better", "Men are dominant; I'm dominant", "Women are weak/submissive", etc. None of which is true, and it's society and culture ingraining these thoughts into our heads. The OCD you mentioned in a previous post may also be playing a part in the gender confusion as well. Porn really doesn't care about how people are treated or viewed as long as people watch and are interested/get off to it. If you aren't yet speaking with a therapist or counselor, that would be the first thing I would look into doing. Someone who specialized in Gender Identity and OCD. Also, stop watching the porn as it's not real or a good indicator of trying to determine your sexuality or gender identity. A lot of therapists are also using technology to speak with patients as well, which is very convenient.
To be completely honest, there's no doubt that I'm only interested in women in REAL life. But I do wonder why I masturbate to this porn? I have always been a dominant/aggressive person, could this be why I like this porn? I don't understand why the only way I can get off is by imagining dominating someone with my d*ck which I don't have?! Surely this has to be an indicator that I'm trans?
It COULD, but I wouldn't take that alone as an indicator. A lot of those things you mentioned are common in cis lesbians, too. Controversial, but, gay men and women are gender non-conforming more often and in ways that aren't so in their straight counterparts. Really, you would be better served speaking with a professional. So many "trans men" later decide they're not, so it would be better not to rush things and jump to conclusions, as transitioning is a pretty major step.
Well, aggressive porn is all over the place. The aggression is shocking and people watch shocking things for the thrill of it - so it is and will be out there. But porn in general can short-circuit the brain, which it did in your case if you can get off to just one type of fantasy. It is likely that you will have to work on it to have a more satisfactory sex life. If it means anything that you fantasise about having a penis - it might or it might not. Or... the question isn’t if you “are trans”, the question is what would make you happy in terms of different steps of transition or lack thereof.
I don't know why I can only masturbate to this type of porn? I'm sure I'm not interested in men. Like I said I couldn't even kiss one let alone anything else. So why am I watching this stuff?
Pornography is extremely stimulating. It’s meant to be like that. And this is why it doesn’t have to mean much if a certain thing excites you in porn and not in real life. Porn is just made to arouse. And violence... can enhance arousal for whatever odd reason. Unfortunately, it can short-circuit the brain like drugs do or like sugar in food does and everything else can become bleak or you can get addicted.
There are a number of different strands emerging here, some of which may be connected and some not. That early exposure to aggressive pornography may be significant, but it really needs to be unpacked alongside your own tendencies towards aggression and domination, which seem to manifest in other ways, beyond the sexual. Once you have a better idea of what's going on with these themes, then you may wish to explore the gender related questions, but at this stage I would suggest it's a little premature to do so. By all means mention it to your therapist and work with them to fully understand how the strands come together and where they diverge, but don't go too far too soon. This is a lot to try to understand without good support and feedback.
In my experience I’d have to say no on if porn has an impact on gender. Granted, I have never been into porn. Never even watched it in fact. My gender nonconformity began when I was really young, but I never acted on changing until only a couple years ago.
