Hello I have been lurking on here for a number of months. You could put me in the ‘very confused’ and ‘constantly obsessed’ category. I read and read and try to work out what I am, but I can’t get anywhere. I am very stuck. I am currently both convinced I am gay, and also absolutely sure I’m not. I’m a man in a relationship with a woman. It is all based on really, really bad relationship anxiety. I have always had it, even in the first relationships I had with women, my first loves, I was generally anxious. I follow a pattern of being obsessed by someone until I have sex with them, and then once they commit I seem to shut down completely. I lose interest, I dislike intimacy. But in the first few days of a relationship I am loved up, obsessed, and feel good. It quickly changes. It’s always been like this. If I stay with someone I just slowly switch off, I go through huge anxiety about the relationship not being ‘right’ and maybe I am not attracted enough to them, and I end up withdrawing until the thing breaks down completely. I really hate it, and I feel depressed about it, but in the end I feel less anxious out of it. The thought that I am gay started when I watched a stupid naked TV show with some gay friends. One said Vaginas were gross. I thought, ‘yeah maybe they are’, then I had a thought ‘maybe you can’t cope with relationship with women because you are gay’. I then looked at all the naked men and I didn’t feel any ‘disgust’ like I began to think I felt towards women bodies. It went from there, a good year ago, to now a constant repetitive thought ‘I am gay’. It’s also developed to me pretty much checking all the time. Seeing if I fancy men, seeing if I am aroused by them, seeing if I like women, watching different types of porn, going without porn for a month then masterbating to see what I instinctively think about. Masterbating to thoughts of men, or trying too. I am at the stage where I think I must be gay, it’s the reason for all my issues with women. I have got so much anxiety now about sex and sexuality, that I honestly don’t feel at all attracted to women. And now when I see a mans body or I meet someone I like as a friend, I begin to think I find them much more attractive than a woman, since I don’t seem to find women attractive anymore. But here is the thing. However much I try all the above, I can’t get aroused to men at all. Never. When I stopped masterbating I had two wet dreams - both about women. If I masterbate now (though I don’t enjoy it at all these days) I have to think of women to get off. But at the same time, I just feel more ‘comfortable’ with men. But then again, even with men I think I find attractive (there is a new friend who I think is cool) I can’t get any pleasure from thinking about kissing them, hugging them, or being with them sexually. It’s a blank. No arousal, no joy. I am genuinely suffering with this. My relationship is not in a good place at all. I can’t seem to connect emotionally in it, and I feel totally shut down. Any thoughts would be helpful really. I just have this constant question, can I be gay without having any arousal towards men? Am I that repressed? I am certainly emotionally repressed due to a hard childhood - and I generally have anxious tendencies and am quite an obsessive person, but my family is really open, my best mate is gay, I would be happy to be gay - so how can I be so repressed as to not get through this barrier of whatever it is, and just be gay?
It sounds like you went through a phase. Masterbation and porn is a good indicator of where you are. I feel like we are in the same boat with being on/off again. I had some childhood things happen that always make me think, what if it went further. It seems like you are repressing yourself from wanting to experience being with a man because when you think you are not attracted to women, you revert back to thinking you cant be with a man. Peace and Love
Hey, I am sorry you are struggling with this. Have you ever had any therapy for your relationship anxiety because it sounds like actually this is where it all stems from. That could really help you find some peace in all of this.
Agree with the above really. I'm reading a lot about your relationship anxiety, but not much about your attraction to men. It's worth bearing in mind that most straight guys wouldn't be outright disgusted by the sight of a naked man, they'd more likely think "meh" or "this is awkward..." and move on. On the other hand non-straight guys would take at least ~some~ interest in the thought of intimacy with a guy, but that doesn't seem the case with you. Looks to me like right now your relationship anxiety is the issue that needs more attention rather than whether or not you're into guys.
Thanks for your replies. I am currently in therapy and I try to get this out as much as I can in those sessions, but as some of you may know, therapists tend to do a lot of saying 'yes, how does that feel', etc, but not a lot of actual advice. I get why and I know that is their job, but I am struggling with the fact that this is on my mind as the 'answer' almost all day long, and my obsessions to test this theory are getting pretty stupid. Also, as I mentioned, it's ruining my relationship. Therapy over the past years off and on has given me a lot of insight into my mental states, but in many ways I still struggle with the same stuff in relationships as I always did , and now this feeling that I must be gay is my main answer. Sorry I am repeating myself, I just feel really lost with this
Sounds really similar to me. No attraction to men. ( I think) am I denying it? Gay porn actually makes me feel sick, again is it because I’m in complete denial. Constant checking, my mind wind stop. Not sure if it’s internalised homophobia. Looking back at my past I was scared I may be gay. People also asked me if I was. Always masturbated to girls always found them attractive from memory. Had lots of success with women and enjoyed it. Had a few failures and avoided sex I think because of this. Remember maybe found a couple of people (boys) interesting, never sexually though. Tested and tested to gay porn, don’t get a hint of an erection. Massive relief! I can’t be gay, then all the doubts flood back. Why aren’t you horny for women anymore, why do you feel you have to defend not being gay! You must be gay as your doubting! You’re different to other lads. Think I may have got girlfriends to stop people thinking I was gay. I’m now married with 3 kids and it’s all coming back. Why am I doubting if I’m straight. Happiest times in my life were in my heterosexual world where I wasn’t doubting. Confused and slightly suicidal. Sorry if that was a ramble.
I am not entirely sure what they specialise in! It's kind of general psychotherapy I think... I am waiting for things to change, for me to feel better or at least the anxiety to reduce, but this constant thought has me feeling very weird.
I get that, constant questioning is exhausting. Have you ever considered getting some specialist help with the anxiety?
I have tried on NHS - still waiting for a call. Our wonderful NHS is useless when it comes to mental health, seriously!
