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How do bi people relate to straight society? (am I bi or gay)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lunarqueer, Feb 4, 2020.

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  1. lunarqueer

    lunarqueer
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    Might sound like a weird question, but I was wondering how bi people generally relate to straight society. If you're female and bi but prefer girls, for example, would you still feel alienated from straight romance and more connected to romances between two women? Also, how do bi people generally score on the gay-straight IAT (implicit association test)? I know it has its flaws, but was curious anyway.

    I should probably mention that I'm 17 years old, have no relationship experience and am not out to everyone (some people know bits and pieces, I strongly suspect my dad and possibly my mum knows though I haven't told them yet). I'm currently considering using the label 'bi' after almost 4 years of going back and forth between the labels 'gay' and 'bi'. I am mostly attracted to girls but slightly attracted to boys (though part of the latter is probably a combination of comp het and the fact that there is, apparently, often low levels of correlation between a women/girl's physical arousal/responses to sexual stimuli and their subjective levels of arousal, as well as slight actual attraction). Sometimes I even feel disconnected from my sexuality/as though I don't have one (could be libido/hormonal fluctuation/the bi-cycle), so much so that for a time I thought I was grey-ace.

    However, I tend to feel alienated from straight romances but become very emotionally invested in the slightest bit of queer representation. I scored 'moderate automatic preference for gay people' when I last took the IAT a while ago (I was still identifying as (mostly) gay/queer then). I also feel disconnected from the label 'bi' and relate more to the label 'gay', even though I know it isn't strictly true (this could be because I've basically thought of myself as 'gay' for the past 4 years).

    What do you think? How do you tend to relate to the world in terms of your sexuality, whatever it is? I'd be interested in hearing about your experiences. :slight_smile:
     
    #1 lunarqueer, Feb 4, 2020
  2. FreeGirl

    FreeGirl
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    Hi lunarqueer! I feel like I could have written pretty much everything you said about your perception of your sexuality about myself. :slight_smile: I don't know what the IAT is, though? I am super curious to know now! I tried labeling myself as bi for a while, but I honestly I have so little interest in dating men that I much prefer the gay label. I had a pretty strong crush on a guy once, after I came out as a lesbian (it was a shocker!), which is why I switched from my label gay to bi, but it always felt wrong to me. Even when I liked this guy and wanted to date him, I couldn't imagine myself marrying him or having kids or anything like that, and even imagining sexual involvement together was a little weird some of the time. I was so used to imagining all those things with a woman, but now I wonder if I just wasn't that into him as much that way--I am not certain because nothing developed between us and my feelings have completely disappeared (unlike with unrequited crushes on girls I have had which seem to stick around annoyingly, seemingly forever). I feel more comfortable considering myself as gay with one possible exception. However, that's not really an "acceptable" label for most people who are around me (friends/parents), so I tend to default to gay since I feel that it describes me best. One of my mentors (who is gay and knows about my confusion) described my sexuality as "fluid," but I feel like that is too trendy of a term for me (haha). And also it's really not that fluid most of the time...like hardly ever! Honestly, I am still confused and I haven't had much relationship experience either, so I don't know how helpful this is! Mostly I wanted to say I know how you feel :slight_smile:
     
    #2 FreeGirl, Feb 4, 2020
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  3. Mihael

    Mihael
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    Being bisexual is a spectrum (Kinsey scale) and it very much depends on the person how they relate to the society. So for example someone mostly straiht will pretty much relate to the straight media and narrative, someone with a gay leaning... more like a gay person. I personally fall somewhere near the middle and relate to both narratives partially. A lot of bisexual persons complain about being alienated from the gay community for being not gay enough, but I don’t find it true for myself.

    As for labels, choose the one that makes you feel most comfortable or which feels like it explains your situation best. It often serves as a flag to tell others who you will date or not, so saying that you’re gay will send the signal that you want to date women only and have no interest in men. Labelling yourself as bi - that you are interested in dating both.
     
    #3 Mihael, Feb 5, 2020
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  4. lunarqueer

    lunarqueer
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    Thanks for replying! It's nice to hear from other people with similar experiences :slight_smile: (I forgot to reply earlier which is why this is so late) The IAT/implicit association test basically measures how much you associate negative and positive words with different groups and uses that information to determine which group you are more biased towards/tend to favour basically. I don't know if it's completely accurate but it's interesting anyway.

    This was helpful, thanks! :slight_smile: Especially your point about someone more gay leaning relating to media like a gay person - makes me think maybe I should come to terms with IDing as bi because then I wouldn't have to stress about any attraction I felt towards boys (though then I'd feel like I was being left out of lesbian communities/online spaces, but that's a separate issue and more societal than personal anyway : P).
    You've both given me interesting and helpful stuff to consider, thanks :slight_smile:
     
    #4 lunarqueer, Feb 7, 2020
  5. Lexa

    Lexa
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    When do you know you are a bisexual polyamorous person? When you almost cry your eyes out while you are watching Professor Marston and the Wonder Women (polyamorous relationship) and you don't cry at all when you're watching a 'typical true love between man and woman' story. It actually surprised me how emotional I got while watching Professor M...
     
    #5 Lexa, Feb 8, 2020
  6. FreeGirl

    FreeGirl
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    Oh I see! I took the IAT just now and scored “strong preference for gay people.” Not sure if that means anything though, either. However, the gay people plus bad combo did make me super uncomfortable.
     
    #6 FreeGirl, Feb 8, 2020
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