For my 50th birthday I got the gayyy

Well, happy birthday! I recently divorced my husband of 20+ years to be with a woman. It's been hard, but I think it will be worth it in once I get through all of the grief that has come with the change in life circumstances. Are you thinking you want to end your marriage? Take some time to think about it and the implications. I recommend seeing a therapist if you aren't already. Mine helped me sort through some of my feelings in the beginning as I was trying to figure out what was going on.

 

I’ll agree with SoulSearch on this one. You really need to talk things over with someone. The menopause brings its own problems and yes it can cause reevaluations in many parts of your life. A therapist will help you get things clear in your own mind. That can be the start of any changes you want to make. Good luck!

 

Welcome to EC Mamalim.
My children are already grown and out of the nest. I’m not looking to leave my marriage, so my situation is different from yours, but I do get it about embracing the new realization right away. Once I figured it out (with help from therapist) I wanted to be out and claiming my bisexuality. In my case it isn’t waiting for kids (they have been quite accepting), it is that my wife has so many fears and is slowing down my process to be out.

 

It's a long story, but in summary, my now-girlfriend and I met through an online parenting support group several years ago. We had met in person a couple times in groups, so I knew her a little. She came out about a year before I did so I knew she was a lesbian. She came through my town on a long road trip and we really connected, which is a bit unusual for me (I usually have to get to know someone a lot better before I connect.). I was really excited about having a new friend, but as we spent more time chatting, I realized that I had more-than-friendly feelings for her. I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss her. I started seeing a therapist to explore my feelings. I hadn't really considered that I could be gay before, but I wasn't entirely surprised, as I'd had small crushes on women before and some intense friendships where I got overly attached. I assumed everyone enjoyed looking at the female body in movies, etc. Parallel to all of this, I never enjoyed sex with my husband, and I assumed there was something wrong with me. (I didn't hate it, and there were some times over the years that it was OK, but I rarely reached orgasm.) Anyway ... I didn't mean to fall for a woman, but it happened and I realized I wanted to act on it, so I told my husband about my feelings in three gradual stages over a period of months as I was figuring things out. (First, that I didn't like sex; then that I thought I liked women; and then that I had feelings for my friend.) Then I had to convince her to get involved with me. She was attracted to me too, but not to the idea of a married woman.

The grief: I loved my husband. He was my best friend. He's a good man, a good dad to our son, has always been supportive of me, and I had no doubt he loved me. Breaking his heart was the worst thing I've ever done, but I felt like I couldn't live a lie anymore. Other than the sex stuff, and me always feeling like there was more out there, it was a really stable marriage. I had the "perfect" life. Giving that up hasn't been easy. My relationship with my girlfriend is not easy, like my marriage was. Real emotional and sexual connection takes work, plus we both have a lot of baggage from our past lives. My parents are upset by my divorce. They seemed supportive when I came out, but they are dealing with their own grief at the changes, so our relationship is rocky and strange. I miss my ex-husband every day. I had hoped we could remain friends, but he met another woman shortly after we separated and is getting remarried this weekend and I'm no longer important to him. I never expected to give up being his friend and it hurts. We were together for 25 years, since high school and nearly every memory I have involves him. There are triggers everywhere -- music, places, words, etc. I don't regret pursuing the relationship with my girlfriend, but I still grieve the life that I lost. This week I'm packing up my house that I shared with him while he's getting married, so I'm extra emotional. There are moments that I just want to go back to my old boring sexless easy life.

There is excitement in my new relationship. We are figuring out life together, working on building a new family with our two boys. The sex is fulfilling and intense and fun. We have an emotional connection and we talk about our feelings. We are exploring new places together, meeting each other's friends, investing in each other. I'm not unhappy, but things are complicated and messy and intense. I think it's going to be better in the long run, but right now, I'm kind of a mess. I had no idea how complex the feelings and situation would be when I decided to pursue this.

I hope your path forward will become clear and that you'll find support here during your journey.

 

Thanks to everyone for sharing. I needed to share that I am currently living at home with my wife and 2 kids, and planning to move to a townhouse in the neighborhood when it becomes available. My wife is fully aware of what is happening and we are dealing with it as best as we can.

I realized 2.5 years ago that I had repressed this gay side of me for most of my life. I am a little embarrassed to say that this revelation occurred at an inpatient sex rehab treatment stay. I had gone because I was having affairs with women, and I felt out of control, and wanted to figure out the root cause. I didn’t expect my sexuality to be (one of) the root causes of my discontent, and it floored me.

I am also embarrassed to say that I still feel the most attraction towards the person who triggered this recognition at sex rehab. He’s the only man I have ever been with sexually (we got together a few times after sex rehab), I really haven’t seen or talked to him for most of that time, and yet, he’s the person I think about most often.

I have been making friends and meeting people through an LGBT softball team, and that has been very helpful.

I don’t know exactly what life will be like after I move out again (I moved out for a year after the rehab experience), but I’m committed to caring for my kids and wife regardless of our romantic and living situation.

Thanks to everyone here for sharing and allowing me to share. Peace and love.

 

Yep, I still feel attracted to women, I can and have and would have sex with women, but I am not capable any longer it seems of fantasizing to the same degree about them. That has shifted for me, which makes me feel more on the gay side of bi. Also makes me feel it would be unfair (or unrealistic) to continue with my wife, or begin a relationship with a new woman.

But yes, I still really enjoy being with a woman.

 

53 here and struggled all my life with my sexuality including throughout nearly 3 decades of marriage and kids, now grown. Finally ripped off the bandaid last winter lucked into meeting an amazing guy last March and I’ve mostly moved into his place. There are definitely the stresses of divorce and continuing to come out, but I’ve lucked into such a good thing mainly centered around being authentically me, but also finding a partner and having a relationship I had no idea was possible. You know what you have now but you’ll never know what’s possible for you, unless you are truly you. Good luck!

 

I'm realizing at 51 that I am unsure of my sexuality. I just got divorced a year ago, and have worked through the grief of what I thought my life would look like. But I have no clue about dating after being together with him for 26 years, much less about dating women. All I know is that my next relationship will be with a woman.