Can it sometimes be selfish to come out?

Regarding the first part about Captain Marvel, I don't know where you are in the US or if your friends are homophobic or not, but you could say something along the lines of 'She looks really good/pretty'. In my friend group that would pass as a generic comment, but I don't know if that applies to you. Side note: Society is stupid but regardless of your sexuality, you can and will find people attractive, and you should be allowed to express that without being judged or pigeonholed as gay for it.

What position do you think you are putting your friends in my telling them that you are gay? From my experience, if you feel like it is the right time for you to tell someone, you could say something like 'I like girls and I'm not sure what that means for me yet'. It sends a clear message (that you like girls), but also gives enough opening that it could change into lesbian, bi, etc. and can open the door for a conversation with the person.

Why do you feel a sense of urgency to come out now? The best advice I can give you is think about why you want to tell people and the repercussions that it could have on your life (friends, family, school, etc.). Make a list of pros and cons and think about what matters to you, and always stay safe!

Like you, I have never had any experience with relationships, and I won't lie, there are days when I doubt my gayness. You can experiment if you want to, but it isn't 'necessary' to draw a conclusion on your sexuality. Personally, I can recognize when a male is attractive, but at the end of the day I don't see myself living a future with a man.

Do you have someone you can confide in? A best friend? A parent? A sibling? An LGBT+ friend? I'm not sure if you're in school, but often there are counselors and sometimes psychologists that you can talk to. Whatever you have to say is important and valid. Someone who does not have the time of day to talk things through with you should not be in your life. You are not burdening people by talking to them and it is no way unfair to them. It would however be unfair for you to expect that talking to them will suddenly give you the magic answer to all your questions. If and when you decide to talk to someone, make sure that it's a good time for them as well. Tell them that there's something you'd like to talk to them about and ask when they would be available.

Now. Pros and cons of talking to friends vs a therapist:
Friends: it can be a scary conversation to have because you don't know how they'll react. they might treat you differently after. they might not want to be friends with you anymore. maybe they suspected all along. maybe it doesn't change a thing for them. as your friends they probably know you better than a therapist who is a random stranger, and so would be able to give more input or personal thoughts into your discussion. if you do chose to talk to someone close to you, maybe choose someone that you think would be accepting or who would be able to give you good insight to talk things through with. (personally the first person i told was a friend that i'm not that close with, but she is bi so i knew that she would be accepting. and for me it was important to have that support even though she didn't know me all that well)
Therapist: they are bound by confidentiality so everything that you discuss with them is safe. since they don't know you, they are a great impartial person to talk to (assuming that they are LGBT+ friendly - sometimes you can specify that when requesting a therapist), it's nice to bounce feelings and thoughts off of them and sometimes just talking something through or having them question you about things will get you to learn new things about yourself!

Hit me up if you need more advice,
-starmotive

 

I guess I don't quite understand why you have to go beyond the simple unvarnished truth. Say “Brie Larson is so attractive in Captain Marvel” because that's what you think. Maybe that's as far as it will go and you spoke what you really felt. Maybe someone will come back and say "wow, does that mean you're gay?" And you say, "wow, I'm not entirely sure..." Maybe you discuss further, maybe that's as far as it goes. It's probably not the kind of conversation you want to have with strangers in the checkout line, but it seems to me to be a perfectly wonderful conversation to have with actual friends.

 

To be completely honest there isn't really a way of coming out that isn't 'sudden'...have you ever talked about LGBT issues, finding girls pretty etc. with your friends? Knowing their perspective and thoughts might help you ease into the conversation. But as I said, unless you scream gay, whatever you say will probably be unexpected.

I was in a similar position to you and I get what you are feeling. I was 21 when I came out to the first person about two years ago. As long as you think it is safe for you to come out and you're ready to come out, then go for it. I don't know how many people you plan on telling, but even having one person know is so relieving.

You're right, it's not about them. It's about you and what you identify as, who you like. But who you are as a person is important in interacting with your friends. If your only fear about coming out or telling them that you like girls, is that you think it would be burdening them, I think you should tell them. Even if it's just a feeling and you're not sure yet, it's still a part of you, and you shouldn't have to go through that alone.

I don't know anything about American high schools, but do they not have counselors or something? Just a thought, if you're going off to university in the fall they typically have a great mental heath support team.

I'm assuming you mean that you're not going to see your friends again after this summer. If that is the case, are they really your friends to begin with?? Just my opinion, but if you are close friends with them you would typically stay in contact with them after graduation??

A highlight to not seeing them again after though is that if they are not accepting it's not the end of the world

 

The only time I think it could be considered "selfish" to come out is if you doing during a difficult or stressful time, for example, if there is a wedding or a funeral or someone is moving house or there is a serious illness, or a major event such as a family member's birthday or a graduation or any other kind of celebration, where someone other than you is supposed to be the centre of attention. If you come out during someone's "special day" then that can be insensitive and ruin the mood for everyone else celebrating.

So if you are thinking of coming out or telling someone that you are questioning your sexuality, just make sure there are no events like that coming up in your life or the life of the person you are telling. If you are unsure how they are going to react, then its better to do it when they don't have anything else in particular to deal with.

 

In short? No, it’s not selfish to come out. You should feel free to live your truth, whatever that is and feel that you can speak freely if you feel it is safe to do so. It is an unfortunate reality in our heteronormative culture that unless you look stereotypically gay most people will assume you’re straight. Or if it took you longer than most people to figure it out (i.e. me). There will probably be a degree of surprise, but as long as it’s not a negative reaction which it sounds like it won’t be, then everything should be fine.

 

Derailing a bit - I agree that a lot of those situations WOULD be stealing the thunder. I wouldn't recommend coming out during a wedding or huge event that isn't about you. But sometimes things like moving, serious illness or death add serious stress/depression into the LGBT person's life. It can make you reach your tipping point. I'd argue that if such event happens in your life and its making your shitty mental even shittier, then its okay to be selfish and get a bit of relief.

ANYWAYS. I wouldn't really worry about it being too much for your friends. Often these things are too much for US, and other people have a much easier time with it. “Brie Larson is so attractive in Captain Marvel” or "I'm unsure about myself and think I like girls" are both completely fine statements imho. Even if things are a bit heavy, thats what friends are for, occasionally dumping your issues on them or getting input.

Long story short - I think its okay to be selfish sometimes. If its something serious enough that its decreasing your quality of life/stressing/depressing you, its okay to make things about you. Just don't do it continuously or about very minor things.