Love this! I use to be a youth pastor (in another life lol) and always talked about joy! It’s not a feeling, but a commitment to living in the light as much as possible and yes this is why I love EC it really is one of my “happy places” lol Also on the previous post... consider this the like for it lol I agree we can’t be perfect but we can strive to be better!
I wouldn't call having a fetish/preference for a certain race racism just as I wouldn't call fetishising a trans person transphobia. Everyone had preferences when it comes to attraction and some people people are more attracted to some races over others. That's alright. You can't force attraction. I'm Indian and tbh I've had some guys turn me down when they see me just because I'm brown and I just live with it and move on. Fetishising a race is definitely a thing though. You see it a lot in porn and I expect that it happens in the real world too, most fetishes have probably derived from porn thinking about it. It's not okay to seek out someone just for their race if both parties aren't okay with it. It's pretty distasteful and reduces a person to the colour of their skin. As someone who's skin colour means next to nothing to them I wouldn't even bother with someone wouldn't want to get to know me as a person first. For others if they're looking for a quick lay they might be okay with it.
I haven’t heard of this and I don’t see any racially mixed couples where I’m from. I’m from a small town in Ireland my whole all- girls school was white and my brothers all-boys school was white and the mixed gender school was also all white. I don’t see other races IRL on a daily basis. They are on tv and I see one occasionally but it’s not that common where I live. I know it’s different in the bigger places in the country. When I attended college and caught a taxi in the city, usually the driver was black. In my college there were plenty of PoC. I didn’t see a whole lot of them but there were a couple of racial societies in the college. It was different when I was child and lived in England. Despite the fact my school was small there were a few PoC there. My best friend was from Brazil and a good few shades darker than most of the class. In photos from my childhood parties there are several races represented. Every day my mother would stop at a shop owned by an Indian couple. I had plenty of black friends on my street at the time. Which now is a primarily black neighborhood with signs proclaiming the white people who live there aren’t allowed out after 9 at night.
@Aberrance I actually had this conversation with my mom over the weekend. She agrees with you, and the others who don’t feel a preference on race indicates (at the least) some form of prejudice. I know I’ve already said it, I just think our attractions are so shaped by our environment and culture that if we eliminate an entire race then there is some underlying (not so good) reason that may need to be examined. When it comes to fetishizing I can only speak as a bigger guy, and on behalf of myself (some bigger guys like it). I am self conscious about my weight so when I’m pursued by a self proclaimed “chaser” I’m not really flattered I’m reminded that how I see me is how others do. Now this is no where near how I would assume someone who has been persecuted for their race or gender identity may feel if the same thing happens to them (of course everyone is different and not everyone is offended by this). @Loves books wow! I thought my small southern town in the States was not diversified (which it’s not enough for sure). I have a friend in Ukraine, we met through a summer camp work program. She said her community was the same way. Literally no POC.
Preference based upon race is a type of racism. Take for instance my country which is a majority black country however we tend to prefer those with a lighter skin complexion and traits typically closer to a European standard of beauty. This also tends to be the case for Latin America and other diverse countries in the world. Argentina essentially cleansed their country of black people by killing them off and it is a dark history of the country that few people are aware of. In Asia and India the darker you are the more you are associated with being lower class so there is a certain stigma associated with a darker skin tone. I think that today people are being exposed to a wider variety of what is beautiful in the media so things aren't as bad as say 10 years ago.
The thing is that the standard of beauty is harsher and more explicit in the gay community. Just do a simple search of "beautiful man" in google and you get what I mean about standard of beauty.
Oh I get it! I’m a bit over weight, so I definitely understand the feeling of being on the outs with the community (or feeling on the outs)!
It plays upon those who are vulnerable and insecure especially if it is a characteristic that you cannot change. If you look at the results of "beautiful men" again you will see that 99% of them are of a particular skin pigmentation.
Yea, and I mean I’m changing my issues so I guess I really shouldn’t complain to much. It really is all media too...
Media does play a big part but we need to be aware of our implicit prejudices from our family and upbringing too. We all have them in some way or another.
On the matter of "That's just my preference" I don't see how that comes to a bad thing at all, or even the opposite of that. For instance, I find certain skin colours more attractive than other's and so have humans for centuries. It's not that I devalue that person in any way, it's just a matter of preference in what I find attractive. So, especially in those sort of dating apps where physical attractiveness is a big factor for quite a few people, so I believe it would make sense for them to go with what they find attractive. I don't see anything wrong with that. For example, it's like favoring more built people with more hair than someone with fewer hair. Doesn't mean they find the person who has less hair as less of a person, or not as valued. Just less physically attractive due to their preferences. But that's just my opinions.
I agree we all have “preferences” and things we find attractive. Personally I’m open to any race though I do find certain physical attributes more attractive. And it’s different depending on the guy... I mean could be eyes, lips, etc. It’s just a personal thing I guess, but saying No ___s/No ___s/No ____s on a profile is just not the best way to communicate a lack of interest in someone sexually. Also I’m from a very, very small area. When I signed up for my app it was not for dates or hook ups I was literally just trying to find gay people near me to make friends. I saw a good bit of profiles with the looking for section stating: dates, friends, networking. Then the profile had the list of no’s. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why would a person’s weight, race, femininity, etc. exclude them from being a possibility for a friend? I don’t know, my mind doesn’t work like that. My mom has always said I’ve never met a stranger because I always act like everyone is a friend. It freaked her out when i was a kid and did stuff like I’d wonder off on vacation with my new best friend (a local) to their house to hang out, and it still freaks her out today lol.
It does and that’s crazy to me too. Toxic masculinity, even heteronormative prejudices (especially where I’m at). Also I don’t know what it’s called but how people are so mean about those who are positive... there is a lot of areas we need to work on... our community needs to feel a little more communityish... just my opinion though!
Agree! I guess some gay men feel so insecure about their sexuality that they try to overcompensate by demeaning women and/or other men who are not "masculine" enough.
I didn't read all the responses. This topic tends to get people riled up. Sometimes it can be because some might feel marginalized and sometimes it's because others are wondering if it's taste or racist. The forum is based on discussing sexual preference. How is a preference for a certain set of physical features and attributes much different? We can't help what attracts us all the while still respecting all other people we share the planet with. If you look at my avatar, which is NOT me, then it might make sense that Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling have never turned my crank. Attraction to and being turned on by certain features and looks can border on fetishism and we've had threads about that. Let's save that for another day.
I think it's important to not silence the concerns of many LGBT people; it parallels how some straight people made LGBT issues a taboo. Sexual preferences discussed on this forum are more accurately sexual orientations, which research suggests are inborn and not a simple choice. In contrast, racial preferences rely on race, which is a social construct and must be learned from the wider culture. I do agree that for many people, they may not feel like it's a choice. However, the statistics which show interracial relationships increasing over time and the fact that the rates of those relationships are not equal (Asians in particular have a much higher percentage) indicate these are not merely innate traits written in our DNA. I think the main challenge is finding solutions, but that will take time, even decades. Greater exposure both in person and in mass media is key, both for general racism and racial preferences. I grew up in a relatively diverse suburban area, and I know more friends and people younger than me are not so restricted to race as in previous generations. For other LGBT men (and people) of color I would point out a key insight from a black gay blogger: don't slavishly pursue the affections of racist white men (racism is a spectrum, not just overt violence/hatred). He also made a good point that he shouldn't have to be a race relations instructor in a relationship. The gay male community in particular has a very looks-obsessed hierarchy, which puts young, muscular, white men at the top. POC should avoid putting blinders that make them ignore other POC.
I hate we can’t like posts in this forum. Consider this the like @resu to your last post. @Austin I have also seen No Whites in my area. First I’m disappointed, then I remember where I’m at and how racist a lot of my community (the white community) is here. Some prejudices are rooted in past hurts and present threats. I know for me, the second someone brings up religion I start putting a wall up. Even if it’s just a friendly conversation. That is because of how I’ve been treated after coming out by my “friends and family” that I had spent a lifetime in the church with. I’m not saying it’s right, or excusing it. Just if we know where it’s coming from we can address the real issue. Prejudice is an effect, so to correct it we have to remove the cause. How many times can you be told in the grocery store your going to hell before you snap? For me... no more times! The last time I was approached, they asked why I’d throw everything away to live a perverted life style that’s going to send me to hell. I made a very inappropriate comment about how much I enjoy certain parts of the male form that was immediately reported to my mom. Not a pleasant conversation. So yes, I do tend to keep people of the church at an arms length...
