So I haven't posted here very often or in a while but I kind of wanted to share about this. Sorry for the long post! For a little context, 4 years ago I fell in love with my best friend, never before I had imagined being attracted to girls. Things were complicated for a while, we then dated for a few months before things ended. That was a bit over 2 years ago. Since then it has been a lot of self-doubt, questioning, denial before I finally accepted that I did prefer women. A few of my university friends knew that I had been in a relationship with a girl but I actually come out to them at the end of the summer. Came out to a few other friends over the last two weeks too. About a month ago, I decided to sign up on a dating app so I could stop to overthink everything and kind of make it real I guess. I had a great first date with the first girl I meet and we have seen each other about twice a week since then. Things were going quite slowly (first kiss was on the 4th date!) which I'm totally fine with since it is kind of the first time. I spent last night at her place and some things happened (TMI but dry humping) and I told her I hadn't had a first time yet (either with girls or guys) and she was quite considerate. I enjoyed the moment but could't really get off for some reason. I think I was quite nervous about the situation. Anyway, I guess I am wondering if that happens often in this kind of situation... I am quite self conscious about having zero experience in that department. Another thing on which I'd like to know some people experience : it's the first time I'm starting a relationship with someone I don't know as a friend first. Although she is nice, we get along well, spend hours talking when we're together, I kind of seem to put some distance between us in the sense that I don't feel like I am investing myself emotionally. I have a hard time in general opening up to people, letting them in. So I guess my question is, it is a normal thing to feel when starting a new relationship and I am just being me and trying to protect myself here or if I'm just not connecting with her to that deeper level...
Do you fancy her? Do you enjoy flirting with her? I think it is normal to hold back a little emotionally at first.
Absolutely! It’s very normal to feel nervous in that situation. The first time being intimate with anyone, whether you’re ‘experienced’ or not can be terrifying. But the important thing is to take your time and don’t rush into anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. Also, try if you can to not get into your head too much. By that I mean, it’s very easy to get all ‘am I doing this right?’ ‘Do i enjoy this?’ ‘is She enjoying this?’ ‘I want to do this or that but don’t know if she’ll like it’ ‘what if she does? What if I don’t like doing it?’ Blah blah blah it can go on and on. But like I said, try your hardest to just stay out of your head as much as possible and just enjoy feeling the feels, whatever they may be. Plus, you’ll find that even with your worry about inexperience, a lot of it will just come naturally even if you’re nervous as hell. But if you are nervous about doing something, then just let her know. I bet money that she would have her own set of nerves going on too. In regards to the relationship and emotional side of things, again I would say that this is completely normal. It can take time to get to know someone and let them In on that deeper level. That takes trust and that only develops over time. So don’t worry yourself with that one at all. If you enjoy her company, you both get on well, you’re attracted to her and her you then just enjoy getting to know each other better and have just fun finding everything out. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Enjoy it
Oh yes. Double yes. It's the non-secret secret. Being overly self-conscious seems to strike at all the worst moments. Everybody has it and thinks nobody else does. @Dotwork has good advice, to which I will just say "what she said." My own advice, fwiw, is to (somehow) let go of expectations. Say (to yourself or out loud) I am not going to come. This is just, erm, "research". On somebody else's legs & arms & other good stuff.
I do enjoy spending time with her and getting to know her. But I've always been the kind of person to distance myself from people I grow close to, I guess its a defence mechanism and it's never really conscious. That's why in this case I don't really know if I putting up walls like I usually do or if we're not quite a match... Thank you so much that really helped. I definitively tend to be way too much in my own head. I'll try to relax and not think too much next time I see her. Glad to be let on this "non-secret secret"! It always seems so much easier when it happens to other people! Thanks for taking the time to answer me
