My brother was diagnosed with something that will cause his death in 1-4 years. We were discussing whether or not he should be told or just continue living normally as long as possible. It turned into a heated argument, and I said 'if it were me I'd want to know', which she angrily responded to with 'I wish it were you'. She realized what she said and apologized immediately, but she still said it and I guess that's what she really thinks. I know we've had issues but I never thought she would say something like that. I don't even know if the feeling can be described as sad - it's more like emotional numbness while remembering how well we got along when I was a kid and missing it so much. All I want is for things to go back to the way they were when I was growing up and everything was normal. Where do I even go from here? How can I just move on from one of the people I care about most wishing I were dying...
Hi there, so sorry about what happened with your Mom. I can’t give you advice as I’ve been in your shoes and still am not over it. Just sending you good vibes
I am so sorry that you experienced that. To be honest I also feel bad for your Mother that she said such a terrible thing in a moment she'll never be able to take back. The main thing I would try to remember is that it isn't that she wishes you were dead, it is that she wishes your brother wasn't dying... and expressed it in a terrible way.
Destin, I'm so sorry, both for your brother and for what your mother said to you. As is clear from other things you've said, she's a deeply flawed human being with tremendous insecurities and a lot of judgment (that ultimately is projection of her own experiences.) I suspect she is still in the process of fully accepting you, and it will likely take some time, perhaps a year or two, before she is fully able to accept you. What she said can't be taken back, and as OGS says, there's no doubt she also feels horrible. But that doesn't change things. Whether this is what she really thinks, or just a reflection on her loss of control over the situation with your brother, remember that she is still on the path to acceptance. Remember how you felt as you were coming to accept yourself (and remember that at some level, you're still accepting yourself). Multiply that by a factor of 1000 and that's probably how she's feeling. So while it doesn't make things right, it at least gives some context.
What your mum said was awful and I don't believe there is any excuse for it, I have a mum with a similar habit of doing/saying hurtful stuff and regretting it once the hurt is already done. It's hard to say whether or not you should forgive her but she is in a delicate situation, she is probably feeling a 100 things at once regarding your brother, you were in a heated argument and out of anger she said something she shouldn't have said, it's possible that she meant it but it's also very likely that she didn't think it through and said it without thinking it through. She is probably panicking about losing your brother and dealing about it all wrong, there is no right or wrong in that situation and it's all about being there for your sibling and dealing with the situation as best as one can. Her way of dealing witth it is far from perfect but try and keep in mind that it's most likely all about not wanting to lose your sibling more than wanting to lose you instead.
Geez Destin this is horrible. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I can't imagine how you felt or feel now. I've written something three times now and deleted it. I'm just stuck and what to even say. Hopefully give this several days for things to settle down and hopefully she will reach out to you and offer an explanation and try to repair it. Otherwise, it's something you'll have to just move on from realizing she doesn't accept you being gay.
Destin....A lot of what @Chip said is very true. Even though I've mentioned that I'm not very impressed by how your mother acts, I think it's caused by a lot of confusion going on in her mind. That confusion is causing her to act in unpredictable ways, sometimes even say and doing things that she will really end up regretting. For the first time in a very long time she is facing something that she can't control...you! You have stood up to her in a way that the rest of your family has not done and she just doesn't yet understand how to deal with it. It took you time and some real emotional turmoil to come to terms with your sexuality and she is having the same problems. As hard as it is to hear the words that you heard, I hope that you can give her time to understand that you are still her son. Just as you are not responsible for your brother's illness, you are not responsible for your mother's actions and words. It's always difficult when the child has to be the adult when dealing with parents...even when the child is an adult...but I think that you do have the strength to do it. Keep us updated on this...you know that we do care. .....David
Really sorry you had to go through that. All the hugs sent your way. One of the most powerful things I have been able to discover are "chosen family" and that is being able to find friends and people who love you for who you are. Its incredibly helpful to cope through it all and it makes life so much more enjoyable. Yes, your mom will come around eventually. She probably really regrets while she says, but while you wait for her to come around you have to take care of yourself. Start finding those people who you can go for support. It can't only be your boyfriend, it has to be good and amazing friends who will be there for you to help you remain patient and sane while your mom deals with her own stuff. She will get there, and meanwhile you will find the people in your life who will love you for everything that you have to offer
I'm afraid people have a tendency to lash out during heated arguments and say things that are deeply hurtful. Your mom has a long way to go in accepting you and it may be necessary for you to set firm boundaries in your relationship with her, so you don't get hurt again like this. That's not to suggest cutting things off altogether or introducing further conflict in the relationship, but having a clear perspective about what is and is not acceptable to you and being sure to communicate the same to her.
Also, I want to point out that this level of patience and understanding is A LOT to ask from people. Its a horrible burden that many of us get out of this whole thing. Its fucking tough being patient. It sucks sticking your neck out just for your mom, who is supposed to love you and who is the "adult" in this situation, to have so little understanding of what she should be doing. If you don't want to be patient and understanding for a moment, you don't have to. You can just be hurt, mad and annoyed. You are allowed to hurt. The reason why so many of us are giving you advice on how to get past the hurt is because we know how much damage it does to the soul to stay hurt. But yes, take time to be hurt and mad if you want. Allow yourself to feel it. And when you are ready, then be patient and understanding. You don't have to be the better person right away. Give yourself time to mourn
As someone who has been put under tremendous stress the past few years and sometimes says things that are completely ridiculous and untrue, just a projection of my pain, I’m going to say that she probably didn’t mean it at all. What she said was absolutely horrendous and I don’t think you should/need to forgive her right now. It’s on the level of unforgivable, and I’ll bet she knows that right about now. Like others have said, she is most likely going through extreme grief. It’s one thing for someone to pass away, but to hear that there’s only X amount of time allows all this space to process what is going to happen. I’m going to imagine she’s feeling something between disbelief and debilitating anguish. I don’t want to stick up for her, and I’m not, but she is probably all fight or flight right now, and in that moment where you were arguing while she’s having to process her child dying, she chose fight and said the most horrible thing possible so one of the immediate stressors would stop. Kind of like making your argument go away in the most ridiculous way possible, by instantly defeating you (what can end an argument faster than that?). And again, I don’t want to stick up for her or give an excuse, but extreme stress can cause someone to say something they’d never ever say or ever mean. I think it’s a good indicator that she immediately apologized and knew what she’d said. It shows some kind of awareness that she knew she said something she didn’t mean and doesn’t want you to hold onto. Though, I know it may now be impossible to let go of. Through my extreme stress and grief, I’ve said some choice things to my mother. That I can’t take back and were probably so hurtful and not even really how I feel about her. I was just in so much pain and asking that my pain be acknowledged and fixed, and it comes from a place of anguish because it can’t be fixed: By screaming, or yelling, or crying. It’s just happening, like your brother’s condition. She is most likely grief stricken and I would hold it for another time and place to discuss, but compartmentalize it for now. Don’t let it eat at you. And I’m so, so sorry about all of this. I can’t imagine how stressful this situation must be. Sending hugs.
Dear Destin. I had a similar thing happen to me. My father literally wished I was never born since day one. The difference is, that in his case, he showed it with his actions. Never expressed it in words though. But you know what they say, actions speak louder than words. With this in mind, all I can offer as advice is to look at your mother's actions as a guide, past, present and future and not her words. You'll always be her son. I bet she doesn't even know how to handle herself currently. If that offers you any consolation, I know exactly the pain. It's staggeringly deep. But it is possible to live through it. You're stronger than you think. Love from this side of the world.
