Hi, for a long time I’ve identified as Pansexual, but for a long time before that I identified as only attracted to women. At this point I’m very unsure whether I’m attracted to men or not, and whether that even matters. My main bases of “oh I am attracted to men” is the celebrities I’m attracted to, which of course are people I know I’ll never date. When I actually think about being in a relationship with a man it makes me upset, and I think that’s because I’m scared of men because of things that have happened in the past. So the big question is; am I actually attracted to these celebrities or do I just appreciate their appearance? And, even if I am attracted to men, does it even matter if I’m too scared to be in relationships with them? Would it be okay to identify as polysexual or “gay” when I am technically attracted to men?
I'll tell you what: you can appreciate someone's appearance without being sexually/romantically attracted to them. I'm aromantic asexual, meaning I don't find anyone sexually appealing AND I don't want to date them, but you bet your ass I think some guys are hot. It's like the same way you can look at a Ferrari and realize it's a good-looking car, but that doesn't mean you want to have sex with or date it. You can appreciate a famous painting, a Van Gogh or whatever, and not want to have sex with it. Likewise, you can look at a good-looking celebrity or whoever, realize they're hot, openly acknowledge that they're hot, but you still don't want to sex/date them. It's not unheard of. As to the possibility of being too scared to be in relationships with men, I'm not really sure what I can tell you there, other than if the idea of being in a relationship with a man makes you uncomfortable, don't date a man. Just date whoever makes you comfortable. I'm not sure if any of this is useful to you, but just thought I'd try.
Hey HooLoo! Whether or not you're experiencing attraction to men is unfortunately something only you can tell, and sometimes that needs a little bit of time and soulsearching to figure out. Having only crushes on celebrities could be compulsory heterosexuality (it is not uncommon for gay people to have crushes on celebrities at first, because they're so out of reach that they're safe to convince yourself you're into, because there's no chance of you ever getting together), it could also be what @ThatBorussenGuy explains above, and it could even be an indicator of genuine attraction (just a 'safer' attraction than men you meet irl, which you say you're scared of). That's really different per person and unfortunately we can't feel what you do... so we can't really give you a definitive answer. Labels are to communicate your attraction to the outside world, not to trap you inside a box. If you wish to define yourself according to your attraction to women and don't think any potential attraction to men is relevant because you don't want to date them anyway, it's definitely okay to use the label polysexual or gay, if you're asking me. not everyone will agree - there is quite a lot of label policing happening in certain spaces, unfortunately - but a label is for you, and how you define yourself. whether your potential attraction to men is relevant to how you define yourself is up to you, but it is by no means mandatory if you're not sure.
It may be necessary to address the issues from the past in order to fully understand the present. If you have been scarred by some past event or incident involving a man, or men, that could have a stifling effect that leaves you with more questions than answers about your sexuality. Have you ever spoken to a counsellor or therapist about what happened in the past? To admire a male celebrity and be aware of his good looks doesn't automatically make you gay or bisexual, but it does pose some questions when you talk about "attraction". When you see an attractive male celebrity, what precisely goes through your mind? Can you describe the thoughts and feelings? Do you ever fantasise about them in a sexual way? I would refrain from labelling yourself as polysexual because few people understand what that actually means, including many people who self identify this way. I'm afraid it's one of those niche labels that crops up in different places but has little weight behind it. Your choice, of course, but I wouldn't go with it.
This was actually really helpful thank you so much, I do think it might just be the safer form of attraction. I’m still not sure how I’d label myself and rn that doesn’t matter but it’s helpful to be reminded that my label is for me not the world. Thank you so much again, I wish I was better with my words.
There’s no way for a councillor to help me when the fear I have is just from being surrounded by abusive men and creepy men, there’s no particular trauma or turning point, just years and years of exposure to older men who scared me. Also I don’t believe you understood my point, I am AFAB so I’m not questioning that I may be gay for men but if heteronormativity is forcing me to assume I’m attracted to them. I have to say I find it kind of insulting that you believe people who identify as polysexual don’t even understand it themselves and shouldn’t identify it as it’s not as common. A label isn’t about having weight behind it like some political statement but to find something that makes you feel comfortable and defines your identity.
It's a shame that you reject the idea of counselling, because it could be useful and may help you to address some of the questions raised. However, it is your choice not to investigate the idea. I actually said gay or bisexual, but even putting that aside, I feel the questions were still relevant. I'm sorry you find it kind of insulting, but you did ask for opinions on polysexual, so I gave them, and I stand by them. When you ask a question , you cannot control the answer or answers that may come back, I'm afraid. Of course, you may use whatever label you wish, but labels that are not widely understood or accepted (and that certainly does apply to many labels, including polysexual) can do more harm than good... for the people who adopt them and the people to whom they are promoted. Unfortunately, it's not just a case of finding something that makes you comfortable and defines your identity. It's often more complex than that.
I have been to counselling and found that my issues were ignored, I do not have to explain further to you as it’s personal. Yes you said “gay or bisexual” but my attraction to men would never make me gay as I am not a man, that was my point. The questions asking if I’d fantasied about them make me uncomfortable and I don’t wish to answer them which is why I didn’t. I asked if it would be okay for me to identify as polysexual (or gay) despite my attraction to men due to my fear, not what your general opinion of the identity was. I don’t understand why my identity should be more complex than defining who I am, it’s a personal thing and if you believe different that’s your opinion, I am allowed to disagree. You are the type of man I am afraid of, it feels as if you’re speakig down to me simply because you’re older and a man, I asked for advice and felt belittled and berated. I don’t want to continue interactions with you but I thank you for trying to help me.
So, I'm a woman but I'm going to recommend counselling too... Try another therapist, some of them don't know what they are doing unfortunately. I mean I know I'm bisexual, no questions there for me. But I have been living with a father with anger issues my whole youth... And the result is I have anger issues too (I'm in therapy). There is a lot of anger in your posts to Chip, I mean, reread you're last sentence. And Chip did mean well, I mean he's always as straight (lol) to the point as he thinks he can be (which I actually do appreciate about him) but he's just trying to help. Oh it was PatrickUK lol. Sorry, it's early here in Belgium lol.
