As suggested by this cool dude I wanted to check with married Guys with kids how there coming out went. Who did you tell first? What where reactions? Are you still together? And most important what with the kids?
dkprins.....I am older than you as my three sons are adults with their own families. I kept my "Big Gay Secret" for 42 years before I came out here on empty closets. In 2015, a year after coming out here, I started seeing a counselor/therapist weekly. The first person I told face-to-face was my therapist. Even though I knew that he could not tell anyone else without my permission it was still difficult, and he was gay himself. Then a few very close friends. Again, it was difficult but each time it was a little easier and my guilt and shame had really started to recede. In some of my first posts here I said that I would never tell my family, that I would take my secret to the grave. I felt that telling my wife/family would just destroy everything. Over time I gradually came to realize that keeping that secret gave it power over me. It controlled what I said, what I did, etc. On March 8, 2016 I came out to my wife. I was convinced that she would not want a divorce, but I was still nervous and worried. She has accepted me and we are keeping our 40-year marriage together. She has even made an occasional gay joke! I have only told my oldest son. I went through a health difficulty that could easily have turned out bad and so wanted him to know from his father if I didn't make it. He is the pastor of a conservative Christian church, but has accepted me in spite of that and we get along now just as well as we always have. My other two sons do not know. I am out to those who I feel need to know. I see no reason to broadcast to the world that I am gay. I'm not ashamed of it in any way anymore, but see no need to tell everyone who I would like to have sex with. Although my wife and I have not had sex for years, I have made the decision to honor my marriage vows and not seek out any male "friends"...that works for me, but I don't suggest that anyone else needs to take my path. I have to tell you that I grew up without a father....I had a step-father and I would have been better off without him. Depriving your children of their father is not the choice to make. No matter how your wife and her family react to you coming out...your children need a father. Being gay has nothing whatsoever with being a good father. I actually think that in many cases a gay man who has accepted himself would be a far better parent than many of the "Alpha Male" men who think they have to make their children become "tough". They need you. Do not deprive them by "stepping away", and don't call it that to make it seem acceptable...it's murder. You would be murdering your children's father. Coming out can be difficult. Anyone saying it is easy has not had to wrestle with the inner turmoil and self-doubt that can feel like a torture chamber of the mind. But you can do it and you will be a better person and a better father for having done it. I would suggest that finding a LGBTQ qualified therapist or even a gay therapist (or both) is a very good step to take. There are times when a person just does not have the ability to handle these kinds of issues by themselves. When we are ill we go to the doctor...why not find a professional who could help you work through this also. I am not suggesting that you are sick...being gay is not a sickness and we don't need to be "cured". It's just that sometimes we need someone who can look at our problems from outside of our lives and help us find a to get to the other side. Keep posting here on empty closets...keep us updated. We want to help in any way that we can. There are many of us here who have gone through things very much like what you are going through...let us help. .....David
Thank you for your post. I’m convinced that my wife won’t react as understanding as yours. I know I’ll hurt them by telling. So that’s why I thing that other actions would be easier for them. She will be thinking that I lied to her about my feelings. Which is not true. But understanding that I love her but actually being gay is not compatible to her.
dkprins....Just keep in mind how important it is for your children to have their father; gay, straight, bi...whatever. You need to be there for them even if there is a divorce. My parents divorced when I was 8. I was 32 the next time I saw my father. When I was old enough to look for him for myself it took many years to finally locate him. Even as an adult I had a pretty big hole in my life where he should have been. Don't do that to your kids. .....David
Rather than repeat my whole story in this thread, here's my post from almost two years ago. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/coming-out-at-47.440439/ As an update to that post, my wife and I separated five months after I came out to her. It hasn't been easy, certainly, but we've moved on with our lives. My younger son lives with me half-time, my older son is now an adult. I have a boyfriend now, and I'm in the process of introducing him to my family. You asked about preparation - from my story you can tell that I did absolutely nothing to prepare. I don't recommend it. I got lucky that I chose for a wife someone who is inherently loving and generous. It could have gone badly if she hadn't been so generous. Based upon the many stories I've read here and elsewhere, my outcome is certainly not universal. Since I don't know your wife, this one is very hard to predict.
