Thanks all for your posts. I don’t know which direction to go. I’m thinking last weeks for 24/7 how I can breng this subject up to her and when. Kids are always around and we do have a nice life together, but to me it feels like a lie. I would like to get some time to think it over, but of course they are always around. My head is just like exploding with worries. I know ending my life is the easiest way out, but also the shortest for them. I just don’t want my kids to find me. So monday is perfect. Then I can hang me easy and I know for sure that my kids won’t find me. I have now to decide what my future will be. Suffering a divorce and maybe custody fight or quitting and let my wife and kids reset there lives. I’ll explain her in my goodbye letter. She has the right to know i’m to blame and not her.
How did your coming out go. Did you start with your wife? I don’t know where I should start and where to go when she kicks me out of the house. Which i’m convinced she will. Oh my head is spinning and turning, it keeps on making me feel worse
I'm not sure who you were directing your question to, but I'll answer it. I came out to my best friend prior to coming out to my wife. He was someone I knew would accept me and keep my secret while I was going through that period. I was also convinced she would kick me out. She didn't. Of course she was shocked, and hurt, and it took time for her, and us, to process this and what it meant for the future. I would suggest to you that we blame ourselves, and therefore believe that if she wants us out of the house, we have to go. But you don't really. You do have a legal right to stay in the house after coming out, no matter what she says. You might choose to leave in order to have peace in the house, but you aren't required to leave. One of the most common reactions from men who come out to wives is the feeling of deserving whatever she wants to do, and the worst decisions are often made out of guilt and remorse - financial decisions, custody arrangement decisions, asset division decisions, etc. It's important to not agree to things out of this guilt. Please remember, you have a right to half of your assets, so don't willingly give them away due to guilt. Marriages end all the time for a wide variety of reasons. A husband being gay is hardly the most common reason why marriages fail. You will feel like you are destroying your family by coming out and possibly divorcing, but this is also a reaction from guilt. Finally, in your comment from last night you are deciding between divorce and possible custody battle vs "... quitting and let my wife and kids reset there lives." The part that you are not considering here is that your suicide will not allow them to reset their lives. It will leave open wounds that will never heal for them - and thus it won't allow them to reset their lives. You are not thinking clearly about these choices. You are thinking about the potential of suicide to ease their burden, but the true effect of suicide will be the opposite. Please stop contemplating suicide as a solution to your problems. It ends things easily for you, but not for them. If you truly do love your children, then you cannot do this to them. I would like to suggest that you start a new thread, asking the gay men on EC who have been or are married to their wives, how they went about telling their wives, what kinds of preparations they did, and what kind of advice they would give to you on how to go about this. There is a way forward, so please ditch the suicide talk and let's get real on what your next steps are going to be.
Thank you for your reply. You really made me thinking. Don’t have things clear at all, but i’ll give myself some time and post the thread you suggested. Not ruling out any optioneel at the moment.
I did stat my thread. And still around today. Not that I'm feeling better. But got so many reactions around the kids that I was getting worried for them. I do want to see them grow up and continue their lives. I know telling my wife will mean divorce. And I think I'll survive that. I'm willing to give a lot to her. Like house and garden. As long as we can share custody over kids. If not than everything will become so meaningless. My head is still spinning around in all possible directions. And I don't know what I'll be thinking tomorrow. I just wonder when I can tell. This week is hard because there is a family party of our little nephew. Week afterwards maybe. God why is this so hard and why couldn't I do this before I met her. I'm such a fucking weak looser. I made a total mess out of it.
Just a couple of thoughts on your last comment: 1. You should not be willing to give the house to her right off the bat. You are entitled to a fair division of your assets. Please don't say she can have the house - once you realize, and you will, that it's not fair to give up your share of your largest asset, you will then have to go back on that promise or be screwed out of it. It will just be one more way she will think you lied to her. So don't promise stuff like that out of guilt - you will regret doing that I promise you. 2. She doesn't have to "agree" to shared custody. It would be great if she does willingly agree, but you have a LEGAL RIGHT to your kids, and only a court can determine if the custody should be shared depending upon your circumstances. 3. You couldn't do this before you met her because you did not accept yourself. You made the best decisions you could based upon what you knew at the time. It will take time for you to forgive yourself for the decisions you made, but you'll get there. Just be careful about the decisions you make now based upon that guilt. I did see that you started that thread. You might consider moving it to the Later in Life section, or posting there as well.
