Hello, I am in biggest doubts of my life. I've been married with a wonderful wife and I have three adorable kids. We are happy, but I don't feel complete. I feel as if I am not living my life. I feel already attracted to men for quite some time, but too scared to tell them. Scared of losing everything and not getting my life back on the rails. But I have come to a point where I feel that I need to do something about it. I don't think it would be fair to her to continue living like this. We didn't have sex for last three years, and currently are more living together like friends then that we're husband and wife. Anyone shares this feelings? Anyone has undergone the same. How did you get back your life and how did people react. If feel currently confused and scared. What should I do? Thanks for any advice or support.
I'm married 12 years got 2 kids and bout 6 months ago I started having feelings for a woman and the more I see her the more I know I'm attracted to her. Me and my husbands sex life isn't great . I'm not ready to cum out to any1 bout it yet so I know how u feel . Lots of people on here are the same
are you thinking about coming out or are you going to put away the feelings. Have you been struggling with feelings like this before?
I think I know where you are coming from. I do not feel quite so tense about things in my life that you seem to be experiencing, but I have had those kinds of thoughts occasionally. I have been sexually attracted to guys for quite a while now, although because in the last few years I have worked away from family, and on and off abroad for the last three years, I've kind of had the chance to explore my thoughts and feelings, as well as become intimate with a couple of guys and even have relations with them. I have a similar outlook to you, but it's been four months when I last had sex with my wife, rather than three years...but that's because I have not seen her much recently. But my journey has taken me to realise that I am still attracted to women in multiple ways, if and when I decide to engage with them. Otherwise I perceive them as mysterious and beautiful works of living art, if that makes sense. With men it is different. I do not check them out, but I have a cute, slim muscular smooth and clean shaven type, and they are the kinds of guys that I have hooked up with in the past, and those type of guys I almost exclusively fantasize about sexually. So sure, my wife knew when we first met that I am bisexual because I told her, but she kind of brushed it under the carpet. We never spoke about it since. But I'm a lot more homosexual now, so I identify myself as bi-gay. I have a daughter too, so I know where you are coming from regarding your fears. The way I cope to be honest is to compartmentalise my life a little to keep the straight and gay aspects apart. I'm not saying it's ideal, but it is a coping mechanism. But I'm not in the place of feeling "gay" and coming out. If I was honest, I would say that my boredom in my marriage compounds my escapism into the world of homosexuality...something that I need to work on and turn around. Try not to panic with things. Just live one day at a time, and see where it takes you. But there's lots of people in situations similar to ours, so do not lose hope and try not to feel alone.
Hey, thank you for your reply. Don't you feel like you're cheating on her? I had some encounters with men and then I felt very bed afterwards, because of not being honest with her. I really do love my wife. She is loving and caring and we understand each other perfectly
Yes, I do feel like that. But like I said, I put things in little boxes. Unfortunately right now my sex life and my family life are part separated, where they should be joined. But I'm working on that, and looking to sort it out so that I get my marriage back on track. And if that ends up failing...well then at least I know a) what I really prefer and b) not feel that I have wasted half my life denying what I really want.
I'm really in doubt now. I'm wondering if anyone did tell his wife and how that ended up. So afraid of losing the kids. Sometimes I just think stepping out is easier. Just leaving this fucked up situation and let her restart her life without a ambiguous man.
Hi, I'm 9years married too like you. I came out to my wife 3months ago but my wife support me to heal the gay feeling and she expected me to be straight. It is impossible actually. The hardest thing is my kids, I have 2 daughters. Like you, I am thinking of them for their future. You are not alone but your problem easier than me because I guess you live in western country. I am living in Eastern country and religious Islamic community. I got acute frustration for this matter and now I desperate and hopeless to face my life in the future. Let me know your progress bro...
I have been thinking and I don't think I should share my secret. I would be hurting too many people. But I cannot continue to live this double feeling. This weekend I have a schoolperformance of my kids. Is nice to see them do that. Than on Monday I think I can stop all this by stepping out of my life.I think that will hurt less to them then knowing that our marriage was partly a lie. I say partly because I do love my wife. I thank you all for your support on this forum. But I think I have made my decision.
thank you for your support and confirmation that suicide is here the best way out. I hope you get it all sorted out as well what to do next.
God I didn't think you meant that. I thought "stepping out of your life" meant coming out to your wife. Don't ever contemplate suicide my friend, we are all here to help you. Your wife would be devastated, not to mention your children. They would much prefer to have a gay daddy than no daddy at all. Please speak to a counsellor or something. Suicide is the worst option of all.
Your message made me cry. God I feel bad. I really seen no other way out. My wife comes out of a not gay tolerant family. They will just take everything away from me. And certainly try to break all contact between me and kids. And as they are still very young I'll loose them. Don't see how a counselor could help me on this. I think only I can help myself.
What you are considering is not helping the situation. It will only lead to more misery and hurt for innocent people. You need to get counselling or at least a professional ear to help you come to terms with who you are, and maybe even medical assistance to help you out of your depression...and that's what this is, depression, not being gay per-se. I know how you feel to some extent, we all do here. Society fears us. In my mind, we are still considered mutants, like X-Men or something. But we are just normal human beings. Never let them win like this. Please, get yourself in a good place mentally and emotionally and then you can plan what you want from your life, with a clear mind...and that plan can include some, if not all, of your future dreams. I'm sure that your children would be fine with you in the future...so long as you are still around and a great father to them. I never meant to make you cry...but I think that it's an indication of how low you are feeling right now. You are hyper emotional and feeling helpless. But there is help available. You just need to be strong enough to seek it. Then you will feel so much better afterwards, I'm absolutely sure of that.
My family is like yours as well. I stay in the closet and please myself when I have to. I've turned into a hard bastard emotionally at times, because my wife has sometimes been like that with me. And she nearly left me for her boss at work a few years back, when I did everything for her...so I had similar thoughts to you for a short while. But you know what? I mentally stuck two fingers up at her and decided to control things and make them the way I wanted them to be. And I'm pretty happy now, even if I'm not out. I see my kid all the time, I'm still a loving and providing husband, and a great father. Whatever you choose...choose to be strong and stick around, and get the help you need. You will not regret it.
As difficult as it seems right now... if you love your kids and your wife, suicide is absolutely, positively not the answer. I have two friends whose fathers committed suicide, and even years later, it is devastating to them because they don't understand, they blame themselves, they feel angry at the loss of their father, and they fear for their own mental health. I can guarantee that if you were to give your wife a choice between ending the marriage and you killing yourself... there'd be no question of her choice. What I think is going on here is you have very poor self-worth. What I hear is "I suck so badly I don't deserve to be alive", and that simply isn't true. You're a father to your kids, and they need you. And you've simply been raised in a culture that doesn't value who you are as a gay man... but today, a majority of people accept, love, and embrace gay people. So it is a matter of helping you to understand and accept and learn to love yourself. And that means, eventually, getting authentic with your wife, probably ending the marriage, and moving on in live into a more positive place. If your wife's family judges you... screw them. And even if it creates financial hardship... that's something you can recover from. But considering the alternative (ending your life)... that would be an incredibly selfish thing that would create a lifetime of regret and hardship for your kids. Please don't consider it.
dkprins, I am part of an active Facebook group of men in our same situation - men who are (or were) married to women with children. In the hundreds of guys I have talked to, suicidal thoughts are common. But each of them made the choice to keep on living and face their fears. There is a range of experiences for men like us. Some of us have wives that, though certainly hurt, accept us, work together with us to co-parent the children in a peaceful arrangement, and become friends. Some of us have wives that go after us financially and attempt to cause the most damage they can in every way they can. Most of us are somewhere in between. What's happening here is that your fears are talking to you. Our fears always assume the worst, they maximize every potential disaster scenario and get us to believe only the worst of all possible outcomes. They are rarely true. I don't know your wife, or your family, and none of us here can say in any way what kind of outcome you will have. However, even the worst outcomes of the men I have talked to (custody battles, financial disaster, many years of alimony and child support, abandonment of family and friends) are survivable. You will get through it no matter what happens with her. I have also seen where some wives were initially hostile but after a time calmed down and became a supportive friend. Please don't assume the worst. What we do know for certain is that your kids will never understand or be ok with why you took your life. It will damage them for the rest of their lives. Is that what you really want your legacy to be for them? A lifetime of pain? You coming out will likely result in some short-term pain for you and your family. But you'll get through it and be better for it in the long run. Please continue to talk with us here. So many of us know exactly how you are feeling and have been where you are now. There is a good life on the other side of the closet. Take care.
