I'm a 19 year old girl. In almost every thread I read on here, most people seem to have feelings towards the same sex in their early teens, around 13 or so. And even if they only realized they were gay at my age (19) they can look back and say there were signs. The only thing I can think of that may be a sign is me always looking at the girl when watching straight porn. I can't relate to the other stuff, having crushes and finding girls attractive in that way. It all started when I was 17 or 18 years old, can't remember when exactly. Before that I was sexually attracted to a guy for several years until I kissed him. That's when I realized I didn't truly want him and I felt nothing when kissing him. As we were kissing I could see he was enjoying it but I didn't understand why. It was very strange. When I looked into his eyes I saw a shell. I saw him as an object,I couldn't see anything past his looks. Now, I understand that this may just be me realizing I need to know people very well before experiencing that level of attraction. But I don't know anymore. The thing is though I know what sexual attraction feels like and I have never felt sexual attraction nor emotional attraction towards a girl before in real life. I've only felt slightly uncomfortable and awkward around one girl in particular when I was 16 but I got over it pretty quickly. I didn't know being with the same sex was an option until I was about 15 but even then I wasn't interested at all. I thought that wasn't me and that I accepted "those people" but was definitely not one of them. I never fantasize about men anymore. After getting over my first crush on a man I somehow stumbled upon lesbian porn and it turned me on more than straight porn ever did. I'm also aware that many straight women watch it because they are aroused by seeing women be aroused if that makes sense. So that's when I started imagining life with a man long-term. The thought of marrying a man disgusts me. Even sleeping with a man is not something I want, but I can see myself being attracted to men again. Just not their genitals? If that makes any sense at all. This might be TMI but women's genitals arouse me, men's genitals do not. Lately I've been fantasizing about women a lot and it feels so much better I can't explain it. I'm attracted to their bodies when looking at pictures though I've never experimented with a woman. But I want to. That brings me to today, I can't stop obsessing over this. I think about it daily. I've probably watched more than 100 lesbian couple channel videos and LGBT related stuff on youtube at this point. I'm currently talking to a very beautiful girl on ###### and I can't wait to see where this leads. However I'm scared. What if this is just a phase? Something I convince myself of being because of a fear of being with men? I have no idea. I'm very open to the idea of being in a relationship with a woman and sleeping with women. I always think to myself that if I have feelings for someone their gender won't matter to me. But that's when the negative feelings towards men come up. This is where I'm having doubts. So what does all of it mean? Am I gay or am I bisexual? I have no desire to be with a man at the moment. I'm very curious to be with women and it saddens me that I've never kissed a woman or hooked up with a woman before. TL;DR: Confused. Didn't know gay people existed until I was 15. Never had girl crushes or fantasized about girls or anything like that until now. I'm 19. I don't want to be with men right now and I don't fantasize about them anymore.
Hi! I can definitely relate to your situation... I just recently came to the realisation that I am gay at 23 yo, and I never had a girl crush before either so it can be very possible... Since you mention that at some point you did have sexual attraction to a guy, but also to a girl, you might be bisexual, or you could be gay too. Since it's pretty recent, I think the best way to figure that out would be to give yourself some time to experiment. You don't need to sleep with people to determine your orientation, but doing so could definitely clarify your feelings. I've been with 2 guys in the past and now I'm pretty much 100% sure I'm not into guys. You know, when they undress and your thoughts look like "Ew... this is what I'm supposed to touch and like and have inside of me?!?! Wait some people lick that?! Ew!!" Yep, those kind of thoughts are a very big red flag that your not into this haha Open your mind and give yourself some time to figure things out!
