Making things up or in denial?

Hi artstravel.

Questioning your sexuality is so complicated isn't it. It can be like a mine field at times.
I'm sorry that it didn't work out with your friend and I hope you're ok.

So my story is very different from yours in that I was always about the guys. I used to run around chasing them with my friends and have had numerous relationships with men.

My questioning came when I was watching a tv program with lesbian relationships in it and my brain spoke up and told me that i wanted that. It then lead me to look back on everything in my past and I realised that I wasn't as straight as I thought I was and i had been living my life by societies standards of getting a guy, maybe get married and have kids etc...

Like you I thought I was going mad on occasions and also wondered if I was making everything up. It really did send me in a spin.

I also always had thing where there were girls that I wanted to be friends with, but for me it sometimes bordered on obsession as i would think about them constantly and want to be near or around them all the time. I now realise that these were actually crushes. I also had that thing with female characters in movies or tv shows, I would watch them thinking 'bloody hell shes hot' and if they were gay then the show or film immediately had my attention. I never questioned this behaviour but now that I have, I don't think that many straight girls think the same. There are other examples that I could give but we could be here a while lol.
I've actually asked some of my friends as I too kinda thought that everyone felt a bit like this but I've since found out that that's not the case lol.

I went a little mad trying to figure out who I was attracted to...men or women? And I struggled to get an answer as I couldn't reconcile my past behaviour with men to how I now felt about women. And so I changed the question. Instead of asking who I was attracted too, I asked 'who do I want to be with? Who could I now see a relationship with?' And the answer was clear as day, it was a women. And so for me that settled it, I now identify as gay and if anyone asks me who I'm into I tell them that it's women.
This may change over time, who knows but right now it's the ladies for me and that's how I'm going to live.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes i still get doubts and confusion but then I just ask that question again and the answer is always the same and sets me straight...erm...gay

I don't know if this helps or not but i hope it does even if it's just a little bit.
The main thing is to go with what your heart and your gut tells you and try not to overthink thinks. The brain is a powerful tool and unfortunately gets preprogrammed with a lot of heteronormative bullshit and sometimes it can make it hard to see past that when you sit somewhere else other than straight on the sexuality spectrum.

 

Hey this is great advice from SquareBiz. Questioning can be so confusing, everyone's story is slightly different but with similarities. I didn't question until I was in my mid 20's. I was watching a tv program with a lesbian theme and all of a sudden I was like hang I think I'm enjoying this more than the average straight girl. I'd never been into guys but always figured it was because I was shy and socially awkward and I'd grow into it. A bit like maybe I was broken. I ended up embarrassed, scared Andy confused on EC.
The less you stress the clearer it will become.

 

Well I'm always willing to listen or share more of my story or answer any questions you have. I'm not a real life friend but I'm happy to help if I can.

It sounds like maybe you have/had a bit of internalised homophobia, sounds scary and strange right but I think I had it a little bit too. I'd never been homophobic, I'd had gay friends Andy straight friends and I'd never thought anything of it but when I first questioned and was coming to terms with my sexuality there was definitely a bit of my mind that was like no, not me, I mean it's fine for everybody else but not me. I think it wasn't helped by the shock and the thought of all the difficulties and things that wouldn't be harder if I was gaydont get me wrong it is for sure easier being straight but alas we cannot change what we are and I will tell you for sure what is harder than being gay and that is trying to be something you are not.
What if I am wrong was one of my biggest concerns when I was first coming out but I told myself what the worst case scenario, so I come out as gay and fall in love with a man, sure it's going to be gossiped about a bit but after a while like anything people will get over it at least the people that matter will. Who knows what will happen in the future you can only label yourself with the best knowledge you have today and if that is gay then go for it .

 

I can relate so much to this. Exactly how I feel ATM.

At times, I genuinely feel like I have made this all up in my head, and feel like a fraud. But then you have to ask yourself the question "why am I feeling like it in the first place?" I feel like I want it, but then convince myself that I'm talking my self into it. It's quite a conundrum.

Just my experience so far, I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

 

Its hard to admit you are not like what you perceive everyone else as but remember they are different than you think. Most people are attracted to someone of the same sex at points in there lives they just don't realize that is what they are feeling. Very few people are totally straight or totally gay. For me I think its better not to label things and love who makes your heart sin g and your soul happy. Its not about weather who you love is a man or woman but if they ( the person they are) is who makes you happy .just relax and live and except what ever or who ever your heart tells you you should.

 

Too many things went through my head to be able to recount in a single day or three. Looking back I have to say that I'm sort of impressed with myself that i could realize or challenge even my own definition of what it meant for me to be gay versus other labels. I will admit I racked my brain for a few years trying to find terminology that would help other people understand better but i gave up. Seriously, by doing that I got caught up in "their" game (and by "their" I include me.. because up until then I did it too) of trying to fit everything into a tidy box or category. If I am completely honest with the world and myself.. which I try to be at all times.. I still to this day have a "gay identity" .. I thought of myself as "gay" for the first, roughly, 25 years of my life and as my experiences and self-view shifted or grew, I felt the pressure to find the label that made everyone else comfortable with who I was.. most people didn't care, some people just had to have a definition. Those people are no longer in my life or they now know not to ask that question any more because they will get the same answer.. which is usually.. "What answer will make you most comfortable?" LOL.

I'm likely to be proposing or to be proposed to by my girlfriend of two years. We think we see a future together and we know how we feel about each other. I won't make a prediction if we will or won't or how it will all go should we take the plunge. But I can tell you somethings that I will and won't do.

-I will be monogamous and faithful if that is what we agree we both want, which I think we do.
-I will be the best friend, husband, partner, lover that I can be.
-I will enter marriage with the best of intentions and bringing my best self
-I will be the best father/parent that I can be should i be so fortunate as to have or adopt a child
-I will not compromise my self, values, priorities, or anything else for the sake of other people's wants, needs, morals, values, definitions, etc..
-i will make no guarantees, promises, commitments, assurances, or any other binding concept other than to try to be my best self whatever that means in any given context at any given time
..and..
-that part of being my best self means that should I ever cause my partner hurt, pain, sadness, injury, or any other "owie" big or small, she can be confident that I didn't do it on purpose and that I may, or may not have a good reason for any of it.. but I'll try to own what I do and say and not do it again or repair or make new choices or whatever comes of that..

In other words.. I can only offer who and what I am in this moment.. the same goes for her (or him in other cases) and WHO I am as a person, my character and nature, is very unlikely to change.. If she likes, loves, trusts, wants, desires, is attracted to, sees a future with, wants children with, wants happily ever after and till death do us part... with the package I am presenting to her now.. and I feel the same way.. then amen and we do. If not, don't marry me.

More importantly, amen and I do come with an addendum.. that, as it has for trillions of human beings before us.. we enter in good faith and good intent BUT recognize that life happens. Something can happen to us.. to one of us.. physically.. mentally.. health wise.. identity wise.. culturally.. who knows... but everything we offer, present and "promise" now.. could turn out differently than either of us was able to foresee or predict or know.. and should that happen.. I'm sure we will do our best to work through it together.. but if that can't work or happen... that doesn't make us enemies.We are the same people at our core who said I do, but now.....

I hope that makes sense.

Be well.

 

Yay, don't put the progress down, steps in the right direction are good and sometimes the more you make the easier the next ones seem.

 

This is me exactly! Since I admitted my same sex attraction two wonderful male friends came into my life. I feel completely at ease with them and that would not have been possible before. In general I feel more confident interacting with people.

 

My experience too since accepting myself. I don't have the fear nor do I have to second guess what the other person is thinking.

 

Hi @artstravel and welcome to EC.

From a fellow over thinker, a lot of what is going through your head went through mine too. And this happened much later in life ---mid-40's when I had my first relationship with a woman! Until then I had always been with men, and had been married and divorced. I'm a very logical thinker too. I have kept some sort of journal on and off since my teens. And they are filled with tons of overthinking thoughts and 'but wait, does this even make sense?' questions. Reading them would exhaust ANYONE! LOL

When reflecting on my life, I realized this attracted to women thing had always been there. The girl crushes that were more than that. The desire to get closer to female teachers. Infatuations with the female characters in TV shows who were strong female leads. A draw towards lesbian porn. Something missing emotionally with me in sex with a man, I figured this was just the way it was.

When my gf and I broke up, it was obvious this wasn't just about her. This would reveal itself in many ways. For example if there was a jogger on the side of the road when I was driving and it was a guy--no reaction from me. If it was a girl--yup, I sure would be checking her out. Tons of guys wandering around the gym--they don't interest me. The cute girl in kickboxing? Yeah, SHE interests me A LOT.

One thing that may help you that kind of nailed things down for me was just observing couples, like at the grocery store. The whole straight relationship couples don't make me say 'awwww I want that.' If there are two women who I think could maybe possibly be in a relationship with each other-it interests me a lot. THAT is what I want. Maybe observing other couples in this way could give you a hint to where you are at.

In the end, you are young. You don't have to throw down a gavel on your sexuality right now. Some people do because it is what feels right to them-if it doesn't that's fine. Some people just know from the beginning, and for others it takes a while. And this Late In Life forum is proof of that!

Just remember, there is no mass registry of sexuality--your driver's license will never be stamped with your sexuality. You don't have to make a big announcement on Facebook. For some people this feels right to do, but not for everyone. This will be your journey! And keep hanging around these forums, I know I have learned a ton from the folks here!

All the best to you