Finally time to come out?

I'm 23. I've known I was some form of queer for over 6 years, since about age 17 when I first started noticing girls. Over time I've defined my sexuality in various ways, from about 50/50 bisexual to now realizing that "attraction" to men wasn't really sexual. Now I consider myself 90-95% gay/lesbian and I just go with the term "queer". I've never come out to my immediate family because they (mostly my mom) are very conservative and Christian and have made many homophobic remarks in the past - stuff about how being gay is against God's plan, "love the sinner, hate the sin," etc. I have also been living at home with my parents since I graduated college because the jobs I've been able to find in what I studied have been a bit sporadic, and housing in my area is expensive. I'm starting a new, permanent job very soon and am looking for a room to rent in the area, but nothing is concrete yet.

As you can probably imagine, I'm so very tired of having to keep my guard up all the time and hiding a part of myself away, sometimes even lying to my parents, telling them I'm somewhere else when I'm at some sort of LGBTQ event. (Obviously the situation is exacerbated by my living at home, but since I'm trying to save up for a down payment on a home and won't be making a lot even at my new job, I'm in a catch-22 for now.) I do have reason to believe that my mom already has serious suspicions about me. A few years ago she happened to find a blog that I had which featured several photos of an obviously lesbian singer (who I had a big crush on) and even though I vehemently said that I only like her music, she definitely knew. Then a few months to a year after that we had somehow gotten on the topic of gay rights, and I naturally came to their defense in what I felt was a subtle, nonchalant way, and she ended up asking if I knew any gay people or if there was anything I needed to share with her, and that she'd love me no matter what. Again, I vehemently denied it because I was far from ready to come out. I haven't really dated guys, only a long-distance unofficial "relationship" that ended up not working out - never anything official or even in person. I realize that's unusual for someone my age, which is another reason why my parents might already suspect.

And recently, I've noticed that they have been more restrained when the subject of gay people and same-sex relationships comes up and have refrained from saying anything negative, even somewhat defending LGBT people. For example, someone made a comment to me about how two women were being too affectionate in public and kissing and it was gross, and my mom somewhat apologetically said, "well, maybe it was a little over-the-top.." I know that seems really insignificant, but from someone with a history of openly bashing queer people, it was pretty big. In general, instead of jumping on the "gay people are gross" homophobia bandwagon, both my parents have either been silent or even slightly defensive, which leads me to think they must already know about me and don't want to alienate me further.

So why am I still so scared to come out when there's some evidence that they already know (or that at the very least, my mom does)? I guess one major reason is that I don't think I'm 100% gay, meaning I'll have to come out as bisexual or something similar, which will only fuel my parents hopes that I'll still end up with a guy and thereby make the whole coming out process seem unnecessary, when in reality, I feel like I'll almost certainly end up with a woman. I really just don't want to label myself as a lesbian on the off chance I do fall in love with a guy and become attracted to him, if that makes any sense. Then my sexuality will be perceived as a "phase" and that I was only choosing to like women for a while. -.-

If you've made it this far, thank you so much! Has anyone been in a similar situation or able to offer any advice? Does it seem like it's finally time to take the plunge and come out? How do you think I should do so? I know I'll be so incredibly relieved if I do and they take it well, but there's still a big chance that they won't, even if they do already suspect it.

 

So.. I did it, yesterday.

It went really poorly at first. I sent a long, very carefully-written and heartfelt email to my mom. I left the house in the morning, then sent it at a time when I knew she was at home. In it I told pretty much everything, how I first started having these feelings around age 17, and for a while I thought I could just pretend they weren't there, and how I'm still not 100% sure of my sexuality but it seems kind of unlikely for me to be attracted to a guy. I came out as "part of the LGBT community". I told her she could also tell my dad, but that it was easier for me to come out to just her first. Her first response was, "This isn't true, and you can't act on it," "God would never make you like this," "This is wrong and you know it," etc. I went into full panic mode because I had obviously miscalculated; they didn't know already. What had I done?

I stayed away that night and most of today. (I also ended up coming out to my brother, which is another story). When I finally came home, both my parents were there to give me a hug and reaffirm how much they love me, and that that will never change. They're still in denial, saying things about how even straight people have gay crushes sometimes, and I'm confused right now (to be fair, I am semi-confused, but definitely aware that I like women.) It feels awkward having opened up so much, and all at once, since before I was always so closed-off and rarely talked about anything as personal as this. But I can comfort myself with the fact that I faced a tremendous fear and just did it, and I'm still standing. The worst is over. I needed to tell them at some point, and I got it over with.

 

Thank you! Yes, I realize how hard it must be for them to suddenly receive the news that their seemingly straight daughter is mostly gay. It must be quite a big loss, or at least seem that way at first, which is why I try not to take it so hard when my mom says things like "You don't have to choose that lifestyle."

I think overall I will be so much happier living openly and honestly. I had gotten away from Christianity for a while because I felt like there was no place for me as a queer person in most Christian churches, but now I intend to get involved in an LGBT-friendly church nearby, and I told my parents that. I know they still won't be happy about that and would like me to continue going to their church and never act upon my attraction to women, but I'm just following my heart and what I feel God wants for me. I don't believe He wants me to be alone forever.