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Emerging from the fog

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by xSilent08x, Sep 17, 2017.

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  1. xSilent08x

    xSilent08x
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    So as suggested I am moving this post here, hopefully some of you wonderful people will have some advise to give to me.

    Before I begin, let me give you a little bit of background on myself.

    I am 29 years old, currently married to a man with two beautiful daughters I would give my life for. Now with that being said I self-identified as a lesbian from the time I was 8 up until I turned 22, I cam out young and everyone had just accepted it as truth. No one but my sister made a fuss over it. I had no interest or desire to be with a man but after ending a few relationships something happened and changed. Maybe it was out of curiosity, or boredom, it could have even been after pure frustration because I had the damnedest time trying to find other lesbians in my area to even make as friends, but for whatever reason at 22 I dated my first man. And that began what I'm calling my 'hazy'period. I don't think I really knew what I wasdoing, or was well educated as to what exactlyI was searching for. I was just lost in a fog, wandering around and ending up wherever, alone and feeling defeated. Fast track that to right here, right now 7 years later...

    I have been married for 5 years this coming November. My husband is the third guy I've dated and we did get along pretty well but if I'm being honest with myself (and it's far time I'm honest with myself) our connection has never been very deep. I can connect with him as I did the other's as more of a sisterly/brotherly/friend type bond. But as for romance, I just don't feel it, I don't think I ever did but tried to convince myself that it would come in time? Even when it came to intimacy, I really didn't feeling it, trying to get me 'in the mood' was next to impossible and even when it did happen it was like scratching an itch but wasn't really satisfying. Being with him has left me feeling very empty and hallow, as if I am now the shell of the vibrant person I once used to be. Yes we have had our troubles, but even at his attempts to correct the behaviors that are displeasing or attempts to show that he cares, I feel nothing. It's just like dealing with an obnoxious roommate that you used to be close with but now aren't, but yet can't bring yourself to kick them out if that makes any sense to anyone.

    This emptiness has bothered me for quite a few years, but I was swallowing it and hoping it would just go away but of course I knew it wouldn't. I knew that I was denying who it is that I am, what I am, and that feeling wasn't going to go away. And of course, as I slowly begin to accept this as the truth of what's bothering me, not telling a soul as I don't want to utter a word until I'm absolutely sure, along comes one of my longest dearest friends (whom if I'm admitting it to myself I've had a crush on for years) and in not so many words confesses to me that she has feelings for me. And there's absolute fireworks in my heart, I could literally feel my soul take in a deep breath and come to life; the world regained it's color and the fog has slowly been disappearing. But even as this new life is being breathed back into me gently to put it plainly I can't help but wonder what in the hell was wrong with me? Why I would have decided to do such a thing to myself, but not only me, to my husband as well to whom I now have to explain this is to.

    And I have absolutely no idea how to go about it tactfully. I am generally a very straight forward person (blessing and a curse), but I have sense enough to know that brutal honesty is not going to be the way to go about this. It's never easy to hurt someone who doesn't deserve it, but it's also not fair to him to continue on with this relationship. So the question is here, how do I come out to him? How do I tell him in a way that he'll reciprocate calmly and respectfully? How do I go about making it understood as well that I would like to be separated so we can both continue on with our lives as friends and nothing more? Or nothing but co-parents if that's what he wants? So many questions, it all makes my mind very anxious. Any advice or words of wisdom would help, because literally there is no one in my circle who can help me.
     
    #1 xSilent08x, Sep 17, 2017
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  2. leb10

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    Welcome to EC! I hope you find some answers. That sounds like a really tough situation. As someone who is also married with young kids, trying to figure out how to move forward, and causing the least amount of pain, I would go into your talk expecting him to be devasted. In my experience and from what others have posted here, it's going to take time, maybe even a lot of time, for him to mourn his future with you and reach some level of acceptance. Is he aware of your attraction to women? That may change his initial reaction?
     
    #2 leb10, Sep 17, 2017
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  3. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    I don't have any advice, as I'm in the same boat right now. I had plans to tell him and ask for a separation next March. This would have given me 6 months to get things together. I'm doubting I can make it that long. Just wanted to let you know that there are a lot of us here in the same situation. You both deserve happiness and someone who can love you and him the way you both deserve.
     
    #3 Farmgal, Sep 17, 2017
  4. RJay

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    First of all, breathe! It must have been hard to share that whole story. Big hugs to you for your courage!

    So many of us relate to what you are going through. I never identified as gay until very recently, but when I look back over my life, I see the whole thing as being mired in a fog, as you put it! All the confusion, emptiness, sadness... All because I was in love with women, totally unattracted to men, and just couldn't see it for what it was. ARGH! It's awful! I have also questioned myself A LOT. Like, how could I have done this??? How could I make myself suffer this way?! Why couldn't I see what was happening? I'm an intelligent, liberal person! "Luckily" my husband was always an abusive asshole, so I didn't have to worry about breaking his heart or hurting him. But we were together for a hellish NINETEEN years. So, believe me, I get it!

    Does your husband know about your history from when you identified as gay?
     
    #4 RJay, Sep 17, 2017
  5. xSilent08x

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    Wow, thank you for the replies truly! I appreciate it more than you might understand.

    @RJay Actually yes, for me even opening up about this took weeks of lurking and contemplation since I generally have this unhealthy habit of stuffing things down and just dealing with them myself. ( Totally bad habit but it's a work in progress.)

    @RJay and @leb10 Actually no he doesn't. I have offered to tell him more about myself and my past, but his answer is and I quote. "I don't need to know anything, I already know everything about you." So, never bothered to tell him.
     
    #5 xSilent08x, Sep 17, 2017
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  6. Leela80

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    This website is an awesome support system. They talk about nearly everything you'd ever want to know!
     
    #6 Leela80, Sep 17, 2017
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  7. Searching1

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    @xSilent08x thank you so much for sharing. You are definitely in the right place and are very welcome here. It was helpful for me to read your story as I am in a similar situation though I have never experienced dating women. The way you describe being with your husband compared to women is how I feel- not deep, a shell of yourself, near impossible to "get going" sexually. I have a feeling that I would feel much more right and fulfilled being with a women, but it is so hard to truly know. When I have an intense crush and am in a strong place, I feel so sure. But when I don't or if I'm down, I just feel confused.

    As Leb10 said, there unfortunately is no delicate way to put it. He will likely be shocked and devastated. My husband was initially like "um okay that cool", but when he realized it was a big enough deal to threaten our marriage, he was terrified and crushed. They need to go through their own grieving process. I do highly recommend being as honest as possible. Being honest the past few months has been hard, but we are in a respectful place and are close to starting a separation with some of our relationship intact.

    Tell him whenever you feel is right and if you feel like this is big enough to start next steps. It sounds like you may be there. I am so sorry you are on this journey too. It's incredibly difficult to have such a good man as a husband and having to hurt them. But we need to listen to ourselves and remain true. If something isn't right we deserve to find happiness.
     
    #7 Searching1, Sep 17, 2017
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  8. xSilent08x

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    @Searching1 My honesty could make cuts that bleed, I am very bad at sugar coating my honesty. I have pondered over writing a letter, since he would actually have to read that entire thing before coming to me with questions or concerns or complaints. And at least that way I could put in important details to try to spare unneeded or unwanted questions. I don't know, I know it needs to be done but it's difficult. I will spare someone's feelings if I can, but I also know that I would rather hurt someone's feeling by telling them the truth than trying to tell them a lie and feeling dirty and dishonest with myself.
     
    #8 xSilent08x, Sep 17, 2017
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  9. silverhalo

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    Hey a letter sounds like a really good idea as it gives you the ability to say exactly what you want to say and in the right tone. It also gives him a chance to read and digest what you are saying and then come to you with questions. I totally agree that hurtful truth is better than any kind of cover up. It's not going to be easy but it sounds like you already know it's something that has to be done.
    We are all here for moral support, in the long run you can both be truely happy.
     
    #9 silverhalo, Sep 18, 2017
  10. Searching1

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    I agree a letter is a good idea. The advantage of a letter is you can put things delicately and think through what you want to say. However the advantage of telling him in person is you can gradually bring things up and adjust the tone and amount of information up front based on his reactions. I know someone here wrote a letter to his wife about everything and it was a huge shock to her. Of course how could it not be.. there's no easy way to do this. When I told my husband I took him out to dinner and brought it up: "so.. I've been having a lot of attractions towards women" ..."I'm not sure what this means for us". I kept things pretty delicate and surface-level. He was very disoriented and shocked. That night I unraveled little by little and over the next few weeks I explained more. He processed things in waves of realization of what it all meant.

    Do whatever you think is best for you and him. If you fear you may say the wrong thing or be too harsh in person, a letter may be the best choice. I personally would try and not give excessive details up front.
     
    #10 Searching1, Sep 18, 2017
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  11. xSilent08x

    xSilent08x
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    Thank you everyone for the advice!

    Yes it doesn't sound like a letter might be best that way he can digest it all on his own time and get back with me when he's ready. I'm considering seeing a therapist before writing this letter to him, that way I will have some good tactics on how to deal with his reaction should it be a negative turn out.

    Maybe when I am done writing it I'll post it here for you guys to proof read and see if I've said too much or too little, haha.
     
    #11 xSilent08x, Sep 19, 2017
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  12. Really

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    Do you have the option to bring him to therapy with you? I'm just wondering if you tell the therapist you'd like to have this conversation with him (or give him the letter) and see if you can do it with them there. I'm just wondering if they'd be able to a) support you as you do it and b) help him process his initial reaction in order to ease both of you towards positive, forward movement.
    Just a thought.
     
    #12 Really, Sep 19, 2017
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  13. xSilent08x

    xSilent08x
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    After suggesting marriage counseling when things started getting bad and going down hill fast and he told me "No I won't do any type of counseling." Kind of kills the idea of bringing him to one all together. But good thought
     
    #13 xSilent08x, Sep 19, 2017
  14. silverhalo

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    Of course we will look at it.
     
    #14 silverhalo, Sep 19, 2017
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  15. Really

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    Wow. Way to be part of the solution, Mister.
     
    #15 Really, Sep 19, 2017
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  16. xSilent08x

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    My feelings exactly. :/
     
    #16 xSilent08x, Sep 19, 2017
  17. xSilent08x

    xSilent08x
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    Update: I have my first session with a therapist who specializes with LGBT on Monday after clinical.

    I am hella nervous but I know that I am taking the first steps in the right direction.
     
    #17 xSilent08x, Sep 19, 2017
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  18. Really

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    Excellent!
    You'll get through this. :muscle:
     
    #18 Really, Sep 19, 2017
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  19. silverhalo

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    Good luck
     
    #19 silverhalo, Sep 20, 2017
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  20. xSilent08x

    xSilent08x
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    @silverhalo Thanks. Right now I'm trying not to let the anxiousness get to me, even though I think it already is haha.

    I'm not really one to let people in my mind to dig around, but I also know this isn't something I can handle on my own and need guidance on how to do so 'properly'. Since I would like to do this as calmly and peacefully as possible for my daughters. They're very young so I don't think it will impact them all too much, but it will be an adjustment for them as well if and when the time comes that they're Father doesn't live with us anymore.
     
    #20 xSilent08x, Sep 20, 2017
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