Came Out Unwillingly to Family - BAD SITUATION

So, I don't know what to do --- in need of advice

I'm gay and possibly a little gender nonconforming - still figuring out what all that looks like. I'm a dude who likes makeup and other dudes . I know I'm not trans.

I live with my family, and wore what I thought was light makeup to church, but it was too dark. My mom told me not to do it again, or there were going to be severe consequences and I might not be able to live at home anymore.

I wore foundation and concealer one day a few days later to work, and accidentally left pressed powder dust in the sink. She found out, and FREAKED. She went through all of my room, and found the bag where I had hidden all of my gay stuff. She threw away about $150-200 worth of makeup, a copy of Vogue, the Cher/Christina Aguilera movie "Burlesque," some Pride stuff, etc. All trivial things that could be replaced, but I was more angry over the concept than the things themselves (still kinda ticked off about her throwing all that makeup - there was some expensive stuff).

Anyways, she made me sit down with her and my dad and asks me point blank if I'm gay. I copped out and said I wasn't, but basically that I was an ally and all the pride stuff was because I was going with a friend to Pride. I made up some dumb excuse about needing makeup to cover my acne. Well, she went on about how disgusting it was. End of the conversation, I was told that I could either do what I knew was right, and preserve our family, or, I could follow what I wanted, wreck our whole family, and go to hell. I was told that if I accepted, agreed with, or in any way identified with the LGBT community, I would not be able to live at home or welcome in my parents home, and my family will not speak to me. I was told that I need accountability. My mom made me give her my Debit card and login info to my bank account. I am unable to use my computer upstairs. Not allowed to purchase anything that is remotely feminine. Told that I need to purge my online presence of anything remotely LGBT. I have to return to Bible college in the fall.

Fast forward to about two weeks later...my mom finally accepts the friend request I sent her over social media like 5 years ago, with the purpose of checking my account. She finds the like, 6 LGBT and allies I'm friends with on said site, and pulls me aside. She freaks out, and tells me I need to unfriend all of them, despite the fact that I have long standing, in-person relationships with most of them. She said that I have ruined my parents, that I have tarnished their reputation with me being/acting gay (she won't actually acknowledge me being gay) and that I have magnified her social anxiety, and now she won't talk to anyone. And it's all my fault. She said that I cared more about "perfect strangers" than my own family. All were upstanding members of the community and good people and solid friends. Nothing bad. I unfriended all of them, hurting two relationships in the process, and probably losing one. I lost the only LGBT people in my life, who often kept me anchored.

I don't know what. I'm not like horribly depressed. I have promised other friends that if I get depressed, I'll seek. But the constant stress of the threats and emotional manipulation, and not being able to come out is being rough on me. I just feel like I'm dragging all the time and my stomach is constantly upset (nothing diagnosed by a doctor). I'm told I just need to put up with it, but I don't know when enough is enough. I am not a horrible person, and I'm not breaking my family apart, and I guess I look at is as if - yeah, it would suck, but if me being myself breaks my family apart, then the issue isn't with me. I haven't even seriously contemplated dating, because the only people I fall for are straight boys who are out of my league and have no idea I exist.

Kinda down about the whole thing. I'm an adult, and I feel like I need to leave, but it will crush me to lose everything, and there's sooooo much emotional manipulation. "You've made me feel like I'm such a horrible parent, and I've failed because you've become gay." "You choosing these things breaks my heart."

Any help?

 

Hey, Quantum - I know I've posted several times before, but this is the first time post coming out (of sorts). I gave her the card because I was told that I didn't have a choice and that if I didn't comply, that I was not going to be able to stay at home. It was basically to maintain peace. I could, but it would literally be WWIII. And I never know if she's just going to rant and let stuff go, or what time I'm going to push too hard, and that's going to be the end. It probably sounds like I have no backbone. I just honestly don't know what to do. There's still this weird balance thing that they need to work out - she believes that is totally in her right to do everything she has done. I am a child and she is disciplining me for my "poor choices," everything from money to who I love.

 

She still claims to care very much, but I agree. It's kind of like, "We've been so good to you - we've given you everything and loved you the best we could, and so now, if you feel this way, in return you will bury this and speak of it to no one, because we don't deserve to have to deal with this. Not after everything we've done."

 

Yeah. I'm playing it by ear for the next few days. There are card uses on my bank account from after I gave her the cards, but I don't know if it's money she used or if they're old charges that just hadn't shown up on my account yet. I haven't used the card in two weeks.

I have started to put little bits of money to buy household necessities, and shop around for free and cheap furniture in the area that people are willing to get rid of. Right now all of the household stuff (dishes, bathroom, bedroom stuff) is all hidden in my car trunk where she can't find it. My friend will let me crash with him for a few days to get on my feet, and then his landlord will connect me with an open apartment, and his asking ballpark is well within my means.