Hey guys! So, crap finally hit the fan for me. About a week or two ago, my dad finally stopped beating around the bush and told me that if I didn't manage my finances the way they wanted and take the next steps they wanted, he would kick me out. So, that started the ball rolling, and I've been walking a tight rope there ever since. I have made a lot of stupid and wasteful choices financially, and I know that. I understand anger and frustration on their part. Part 2, I basically almost came out to my mom - she caught me wearing concealer and bronzer and FREAKED. She told me I was ruining my family and tearing them apart (they had previously asked that I not wear makeup) She compared us to her own blended family that hates each other, and said we were heading for that and it's all my fault due to my "life choices." She said that I either needed to get my head out of the sand and figure out that it's not all about me and whatever I decide to "experiment with", or I need to get out. She told me that if things dont change, there will come a day soon that I'm not welcome in their home. She then said she was so disgusted that she couldn't even look at me and left the room. The next day, she came to me, and was like, "I need a definite answer" even though she won't ask me directly if I'm queer. She was really angry, and she reiterated that I need to change or leave. I was able to change the subject eventually, and she calmed down gradually. Still, she is adamant that I'm not gay I know she's going through my stuff, because she admitted to throwing away an issue of Vogue that was in my room because she thought it was inappropriate. Today, she threatened to take my Debit card (which she technically can't, as I'm an adult - which won't stop her). Soooo...they have threatened that when the day comes that they've had enough, they aren't going to tell me. I'll just come home from work, and my stuff will be in trash bags in the yard. Things are rough, and even if things don't end that dramatically, I think they might end soon. As said before, I have not been the smartest with my finances, and I do not have a backup plan. I NEED HELP. I'm holding on to my Debit card. I'm cleaning my room this afternoon, and I'm going to subtly put everything together without actually packing anything.I will lock away anything that I don't want them going through away. I'm going to give anything that's even stereotypically gay or LGBT+ to my best friend. I don't have a lot of money this week, as I just paid my student loans for the start of the month. My best friend's mom has volunteered to let me crash there for a couple of nights if I need to (she knows things have been rough) and then I'm thinking of getting a hotel room or an AirBnb or something for the rest of the week. I have two guys that I work with who have offered to let me move in with them, and they have another apartment lined up. I figure that way that gives them a few days to get things ready. I am worried about my personal info stuff though. My mom has all my medical records, all of my insurance info besides my actual insurance card. I am on their car insurance as well. She has my birth certificate. I would like to think that she'll be cool about it and that it won't be an issue, but I'm worried. Anyone who has ever been kicked out have any pointers? If I can just survive this coming week, I'll be fine (For context - something was said again tonight along the lines of "What do you think my next steps should be in dealing with you?" and my dad has already told me to tread lightly so I'm afraid something will happen this weekend. Hopefully not.) Sorry, I know this is rambling, but it's 3 am. Sorry. Thanks in advance guys!
Hey warrior452, I'm kind of confused. You admit that you've "made a lot of stupid and wasteful choices financially", but are you saying that you are not even willing to work with your parents to get your affairs in order? That you'd rather be kicked out of the house and cut off financially than work towards becoming a more fiscally responsible individual? Can you explain exactly what it is that your parents are doing that you find so completely unreasonable? It sounds like you are still almost completely dependent on your parents - housing, medical insurance, car insurance, etc. If the Debit card you are talking about is for an account in their names, they can definitely take it from you or simply cancel it. Forgive me if I'm coming off harshly, but if you simply move in with friends while not taking immediate action to make yourself fiscally responsible, it seems likely that you will be in a similar situation with them in short order if you can't/don't/won't pay your fair share of rent, utilities, and food. Plus, at that point, it seems very possible from what you wrote that your parents will take you off of their car insurance, so you'll have to get your own and your rates will significantly increase as a single policy holder at your age.
Hey again - To clarify: I am 23. I have my own car. I have plenty of money to pay my own bills, and I do. I work anywhere from 35-55 hours a week, and hold down two jobs. I do sometimes live a little "paycheck-to-paycheck" but everything always gets paid on time or close to it. I moved home at my parent's insistence last year. They haven't charged and aren't allowing me to pay rent, instead wanting me to pay off my 25k in student loans before moving out.I have offered multiple times to contribute to rent, and I have contributed to the food bill on many occasions by grocery shopping. I have opted to go for the minimum payments, and have put my money towards other things (my car, fixing my laptop, etc.) I help out around the house as I can, although that has slacked off to mostly nothing during the last few weeks, and that has been a bone of contention. They're mad because I haven't been putting money into savings and I haven't put every cent possible into my loans. My mom wants me to live out of a box, spend no money and pay them off in a year and a half. The debit card is NOT in their name. It is my bank account. I might be willing to stay and sort things out financially if it wasn't for the homophobia and emotional blackmail ("if you really loved your dad and I, you wouldn't behave this way"). I am working on budgeting better and trying to start a long-term savings. Several very hurtful things have been said along the lines of lgbt people being predators and child molesters, and that maybe I should stay away from children. Some homophobic slurs, although not necessarily directed at me. Vitriolic disgust towards the possibility of me being LGBT. Me being gay is the deal breaker. They're already aggravated over the financial stuff, and she told me that the "gay stuff" was the straw that broke the camel's back, and that there will come a time soon when I won't be welcome in their home. I don't know if that means they would sever ties with me or not. I hope not. It is not my intention to sever ties with them and give up my family. I love my family, but I will not put up with being told that I am disgusting and deviant just because of who I love. Does that make more sense?
Hey warrior452, Thanks very much for clarifying your situation. Yes, this makes much more sense. So what is it that your Dad ‘expects’ you to do to show that you are now much more fiscally responsible? Honestly, I can’t see why they would have a particular issue if you put money into savings as well as generally paying off your loans. That’s your choice and I don’t see how that impacts your parents. I hope when you said in your previous post that you've "made a lot of stupid and wasteful choices financially,” you weren’t referring to putting money into fixing your car, your laptop, etc, because those are certainly NOT frivolous expenditures. In terms of the Debit Card, then, of course, you are completely right. It’s yours. It they try to take it, it would be ‘simple theft’ and something you could call the police about. (Not that you would.) It sounds like you are really working to create a personal budget. Do you write it out? (Personally, I’ve found that writing it out often helps. For example, you can always put down known expenses for the next month, then expected expenses, then things that you may want to spend on. Beyond that, there is savings, which you seem to understand, based on what you wrote. Sometimes we have emergency expenses, such as car repairs, etc.) So why does your mom really want you to pay them off in such a short time period? Are the student loans that you are talking about from your parents? Are your parents hurting financially, but too proud to ask you to contribute, but would rather ‘insist’ that you repay them? Or is this truly based on her homophobia? Frankly, I’m still not seeing your financial issues with your parents as a real issue. Nor do I think you do. The primary issue here would seem to be your parents’ inability to accept your sexuality. Based on what you wrote your Dad seems to be taking his cue from your mom’s homophobia. In my experience, most homophobia is based on ignorance. In your opinion, is your mom especially religious or is she just mostly in denial about your homosexuality?
Hey Quantum! My dad wants me to meet weekly at my mom's discretion (she would like to meet at least twice) to basically monitor my finances. She has threatened to take the Debit card, and she has talked of "forcing me" to give them access to my bank login/account. The "stupid mistakes" referenced would be large sums of money (over the course of a year - I'm not blowing hundreds of dollars at a pop) that I used on recreational activities and fun things. I don't get out much besides work, and I've spent a lot of money on myself the last year. If I hadn't, I could be in a much more solid financial standing than I am. That's why he's angry. Yeah, I'm going to write it out. I have balked at it because it was something that my mom drove into the ground, but I do believe it's important. I want to build up some savings so that I can have so security for future needs. My father is afraid of confrontation, or at least not good at addressing it. He allows my mom to deal with these situations, and so the sitdown where he told me he would kick me out was like a "zero to sixty moment" because this is something my mom and I have been going back and forth on for months, with zero input from him. He is very conservative, and gets very very angry and combative when LGBT issues or people come up. As to the possibility of me being gay or bi, he thinks it's his fault, because he failed somehow, and people are going to think he's a horrible parent. He is very homophobic and will make comments in public about people. My mom is deeply deeply religious, but I also think she's in denial. I think they're both effecting it. Her religion (mine as well, I am a person of faith/Christian) does not allow space for LGBT people. She believes that "we" need to be disgusted by LGBT people because God hates their sin and that they're kind of a lost cause because they know the message of God's love and they "choose to live their deviant lifestyle." I think she knows I'm LGBT and doesn't want to admit it. She can't say it. She just asks me if I'm still "Uh, struggling." She is also very homophobic.
It sounds like moving out is idea if your parents aren't willing to budge a little and be more accepting. I mean i say that, but i also don't think we should try to make our parents accept us. They're entitled to their own opinions even if its wrong. Why fight what isn't in your power to change in the first place. Would it be possible to just play the role they want for a while and try to get everything in order and get out in a reasonable timeline? Play the good son, stick to a budget, pay your loans every month, etc. If they aren't willing to listen then fighting them on it might just make things worse. Some people just aren't worth the strain of fighting with. Play the part they want you to and pay off your loans and then go from there. Maybe work and save up so you can get back on your feet again or something like that, idk what your long term goals are. I don't really know your situation i'm just going off of what you've said and my own experience with my homophobic emotionally abusive mother.
Actually, warrior452, with your further clarification, it sounds like moving out would probably be the best thing for you. The biggest questions I would imagine, from your point of view are whether you can negotiate with your parents so that you aren't just 'suddenly' thrown out while you find a new place to live and if you can get them to keep you on their health care and car insurance policies (with you paying your fair share of the car insurance, of course). Your parents have no legal authority to access your personal bank account and, at your age, it is outrageous and quite demeaning for them to even suggest that they 'must' have access to it, let alone that they have any right to your Debit card. In fact, if your mom took you Debit card, you could call the police on her for stealing it from you (not that you necessarily would). It sounds like your parents need some real education about LGBTQ people and that you mom may even need a psychiatric evaluation (no offense intended). If your Dad hates confrontation, maybe try manipulating him and keeping him between you and your mother as much as possible. Since you are all religious, maybe keep mentioning God and Christ a lot to appease them for now. (Perhaps phrases like "Jesus would never approve of throwing a child out on the street" or "God loves us all, regardless of our sins, why would you try to judge me otherwise" or "Yes, I'm struggling with some things in my life, but God will show me the way if you don't just presume to judge me" or whatever might fit your temperament and situation. Just some thoughts. I wish you all the best!
I would advise trying to negotiate moving out with a slow transition with your parents, where you continue to have your phone / car paid for an extended time but move out and pay your own food/utility bills. They will appreciate your initiative (hopefully) and if you are making enough with your job you will have much more freedom. You should tell her that homosexual forbiddence sits right on the same page as no shellfish and pork on the forbiddence list, so she should never eat shellfish or pork and if she has she should be have been disowned by her family. This should wait until you are completely financial Independent, ofc.
