...then how do I know that I'm gay? What's the difference? I know that I'm generalising, but I read things that say it's completely normal to fantasise about the same-sex, it doesn't say anything about your sexuality, everyone does it, etc. So what's the difference? I guess, not finding members of the same-sex attractive in real life, or wanting to act on it? How do you know?
I've never heard anyone say that it's normal for straight people to fantasize about people of the same sex. I don't think I've ever known anybody straight who has fantasies like that. I mean sure, sexuality is fluid, and few people are truly 100% straight or gay, but still. I think fantasizing about someone of the same sex is definitely an indication that you're not completely straight. Unless you mean having a sexual dream about a member of the same sex? Because dreams are different and can mean different things. But fantasy is pretty much about what you desire.
I'm sure a few have wondered, 'How DO they do it, anyway?" or cracking a joke about toilet seats, but that's completely different from second guessing their sexuality, fantasizing about the same-sex, or feeling... well, trapped or like they're living a lie. A lot of folk seem to just "know" from a very early age, but quickly learn it's taboo.
if you saw someone attractive and you didn't want to act on it can be apprehension. but not finding them attractive in real life, only fantasy could mean something else. This is my dilemma - i really tried to accept I was gay and it just doesn't seem 'me'. ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2017 at 07:20 AM ---------- People can have fantasies about things they don't want to act on. I sincerely doubt that people who have fantasies about being raped really want to be raped. I agree that having the same sex in a fantasy raises some questions but I have heard mainstream psychologists say its pretty common.
If It's just a fleeting thought you would never act on....ok. I think that's called being a kinsey 1. When It's repeated fantasies, I have a hard time considering it straight. I think a lot of straight people just don't want an LGBT label because of the stigma. I mean, I have never in my life ever fantasized about the opposite sex....
Yes, I've read that it's fairly common, particularly in women. I should probably forget about it! It's not helping. Like you say, a fantasy is not necessarily an indication of what a person would want in reality. But then, if you only ever fantasise about the same-sex, it's probably a good indicator, as well as how effective it is compared to the alternative.
People who fantasize about rape usually still want to act it out- It's just that they'd only do it in a "fake rape" scenario. Roleplaying with safe words involved. Nobody would want to engage in real, traumatizing rape, but that's also not what rape fetishists have in mind to begin with. I don't know how it could be compared to same-sex fantasies, unless you have a really non-heteronormative sex fantasy that you don't know how to approach with an opposite sex partner. I also think it depends on what the fantasy is. Sometimes I roleplay and write hetero smut involving two made-up characters, so sometimes I do have those thoughts of them doing it because of the aftermath of writing it. But I've never imagined myself having sex with a man, and would be creeped out by the thought. So although, I do agree that you can be straight and have "fleeting thoughts"- it probably indicates something else if you have common thoughts with you involved.
Heterosexual people don't commonly have same-sex fantasies. I don't know where you read this, but there's no credible data I've ever seen to support that idea. They might have fleeting moments of "I wonder what this would be like", but there's no arousal or involved fantasy involved with it. If you have fantasies about sex with the same sex, and those fantasies are arousing, you aren't straight.
Thanks, Chip. I've not read anything academic/researched, but just a quick search throws up results with people worried about having thoughts about the same-sex whilst fantasizing. Like you say, I guess it depends on what they mean by 'fantasies'. They might be referring to a fleeting thought, rather than a same-sex fantasy as I would understand it.
I don't think that's for you to decide. But with this sort of militancy I am not surprised there is limited research and discussion of the issues. Porn addiction can escalate into all sort of fantasies. There are many lesbian couples who enjoy watching straight porn, some even on this site. Doe that make them not gay? What about straight guys that get off on lesbian porn? are they really transgender? In the current issue of The American Journal of Psychiatry, Mark Schwartz and William Masters report a survey of 120 men and women, half of them homosexual and half heterosexual, showing that people's sexual fantasies can be at odds with their sexual orientation. Among both men and women who are homosexual, for example, heterosexual sex ranks as the third most common sexual fantasy. For heterosexual men and women, homosexual encounters rank fourth and fifth most common, respectively. Among heterosexual men and women, the most common fantasy involved replacement of their usual partners. SEXUAL FANTASIES - WHAT ARE THEIR HIDDEN MEANINGS? - NYTimes.com
One correction here- Lesbians enjoying gay male or straight porn do not fantasize about men. There is a huge misconception about this. For most lesbians, watching straight porn is like watching horror movies. You can like the latter and still never fantasize about yourself killing a human being. I actually do watch gay male and straight porn, but I don't fantasize about the opposite sex. I have never thought about myself sleeping with a man. I have never thought "these men are so hot and sexually attractive". I view it in a detached way with no sexual attraction or interest in myself ever being involved- and I also only like it because good scenery in sex is important, which lesbian sex lacks. I don't think having gay thoughts that DON'T involve yourself makes you gay. It's just that when you imagine yourself having gay sex that it becomes iffy.
I have never thought about this, but it makes sense with some of my fantasies. ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2017 at 07:52 AM ---------- yes and it doesn't make lesbians straight or even bi, and hetero men with porn addictions who start watching gay stuff aren't gay. I do agree that the fantasies are iffy- and could indicate repressed gay feelings or identity, but if there NO connection in the real world, what then? LostInDaydreams, do you ever have these feelings in the real world, or had a crush on a real person or are all these just internal?
I've read your thread, and will reply in a moment, but this might be relevant too. At the beginning of my questioning, so more than six months before I joined EC, it was all internal. A bit like you describe on your thread; I could imagine it, but the reality wasn't there, and as far as I knew, it never had been. And then I ran into a female friend that I'd not seen for a while, and everything started falling into place. The reality had been there, I just hadn't been seeing it, I guess. I don't see women I fancy that often, but I do occasionally. I never see men that I fancy, I don't really notice men at all in that sense. As far as fantasies go, before questioning they involved men and women. I don't want to go into details, but my focus was rarely on male bodies, quite often they were clothed. I've never imagined myself kissing a man that I've known in reality, let alone anything else. Since questioning, I only fantasise about women. I don't find the alternative repulsive, just unappealing and boring.
Hey I know it can be really tough. I didnt figure out my sexuality until I was in my mid 20's and I think that is because I never used to look at girls and get turned on or anything. I used to feel like I wanted the closeness of a best friend but now I figured out my sexuality I can see I wanted a girlfriend.
It's a bit mixed really. I suppose happy/excited, with an interesting in getting to know her, but also frustration that I can't do anything. I smile, and I want her to notice me, but I don't at the same time because I don't want to get caught out. They normally stay in my mind for a little while afterwards.