Hopeless

Same to you too, hope you feel less alone and anything else bad you're feeling right now including alone.

I'll try and grab on, maybe I will slip off who knows. I guess life is just one whole thing of loneliness if you don't have many around you who can empathise with you.

 

There maybe but I can't seem to find any that are my age. To be fair, those who find larger men sexy are rare. Well, that was what I see anyway. Some larger men don't find love, not always. I have no idea how to get comfortable with myself. I just always feel some sort of awkwardness and insecurity with my body. Kids my age are so pretty and attractive and tall and hairless. I guess that is them though. It isn't something that I can control so I guess that I should become okay with it. I just don't know how to. It is so difficult when I don't really have support. The thing is, if I told my mum that I feel ugly I would get told "no you're not" or "shut up". It's not like your son though, I don't get guys coming up to me or anything like that. Guys tend to ignore me or block me sometimes. Maybe if I had like guys coming up to me or liking me then maybe I would be able to have more self confidence and esteem. This low confidence thing is like having an affect in my studies, I tend to doubt myself a lot and loose time on the exam that way. I just don't see my own trait of attractiveness, I don't. I just feel that I do not have one.

Yeah, Muslims only dating Muslims. That is what it is for heterosexual couples anyway. You aren't ignorant, you just have never had the need to learn about Islam until now. One of the advisors has sent me links for a group that meets up in my home town, I will try and go one day, I just need to think of a lie to tell mum and dad.

You just don't understand. I felt defeated because I have had pretty much nobody aside from myself to support me through this. I can no longer support myself with how exhausted I have become. It isn't as though I have a guy who knows what I am feeling who will help me and squeeze my hand when I feel like jumping in front of a bus. I just give up because I see no reason in carrying on at times.

 

I guess very much so that it is. I just do find it hard as to why someone would see me as attractive. Maybe it's because I am not the most positive person or because I can't see the attractiveness in me or something like that. I just haven't met anyone who I fit as that sexy man. I just doubt that I may do. As for ying and yang, I just feel that there is more bad than good with me.

It is all so draining. I just feel this massive hopelessness and I can't seem for it to go. I have given up on the idea of a happy ending for me. The thing is, if I want to keep family then I end up living in the closet and forced to get married to a female or if I wish to come out then that would mean permanently loosing my family and having nobody to go to and I risk being alone if I do not find a guy. That is how I percieve it at the moment and making the decison what to do has so many cons.

 

I guess so. Not many confess. Although, I thought would more with how homosexuality is way more acceptable now. Less so where I live and more so my religion. Practically most Muslims don't agree with homosexuality with some saying that it isn't natural and that an individual can be 'cured' to some being more extreme and going into extremism and saying that gay people should be killed or stoned to death. You're right there, gay men do. I tend to class myself as a cub. At the moment I am in my last few months of study before university.

There is so much uncertainty and anomie as to what I should do in this case. As a Muslim who closely follows their religion my options are just to stay celibate and avoid marriage somehow which I know will be difficult. Just the uncertainty that I am facing and stress and depression and what not make things difficult for me at the moment. Maybe if I knew what to do and what the definite answer was to my situation then perhaps I wouldn't be feeling like I am now. Just so odd and confusing. It is why I feel so drained, just a lot to cope with for me.

 

I am more so stressed about school and what not. It is top priority at the moment. \if these things do seem to work out naturally then I do hope that things don't become a total disaster. My goal is to date and to also start teaching once I finish my degree in Psychology. I guess I should, I mean I already go to the gym so I guess that I have dealt with the problem of weight. You're right, they do.

 

Hey

Has anyone thought about just no longer identifying as gay anymore. I feel that it is a massive part of my identity that causes a lot of conflict for me. I have realised that I probably won't come out either

 

I kinda mean not telling anyone ever and eventually not seeing it as part of who I am and part of my identity. It is unlikely that I will tell family since I would be a stranger to them if I does which does hurt to think. I just find it so hard to see it going well telling anyone in my family. I feel as though I betrayed them somehow, like I am the very thing that my parents don't want me to be.

---------- Post added 15th Mar 2017 at 09:38 PM ----------

My family tend to shout a rainbow of slurs when anything remotely LGBTQ is on the TV. I tend to ignore whatever is said, but I know that it's bad. I get the feeling that it lies on my sometimes, that I should be the one who changes and not them. Do you feel what I am trying to say? I can do those things. I just would hate to see my parents hurt. Just they have done so much for me and I don't want to throw it right back in their faces.

I was almost outed once. My mum did not even dare to look at me, I was practicaly treated with hostility and made to feel like a specimine under a microscope. I am not as strong as you were at 17, I can barley even get up in the mornings, I just feel so pathetic with it all.

In all honesty, death at the frothing mouths of ravenous wolves would be a better death than dying alone knowing that my family hates me and will never want to see me again.

Thank you.