Hey guys, here's my story: From very young age, I found myself very interested and attracted to female body. I was mesmerized by,absorbed by it. My first "crush" , was in when I was 5 years old, it was a girl. From that point and on all my crushes that I ever had were girls. Since I know for myself I would always watched guy on girl porn. The question here isn't if I am attracted to girls, I am 100% sure I am, no denial there. What gets me confused is this. One day, my friend told me that he only watches lesbian porn, I got confused because I only watched heterosexual pornography (girl-guy)-imagining myself as a bloke in the porn. I obssesed about this for a month. I had to check if I was gay. I turned on some solo porn. After 15+ mins, of not being erect even with manual stimulation-even though I felt some tingling, I finally got erect and at the moment the actor orgasmed, I did too. I was literally shocked because of the result. After series of test-same type of testing(masturbation sessions), analyzing why and how it happened I came to conclusion that whenever I watch those types of videos(solo guys) vicariously (which seems to have happened), inserting myself in the actor's position, imagining what he feels (erection-which is not present at the moment of watching,particularly ejaculation, and just the overall feeling) I will after some time get aroused-provided I have manual stimulation.I even recorded myself masturbating(with face,no just bodyparts),watched it identifying with the "feelings" and got aroused,orgasmed.I am not attracted to myself 100% sure.But if I concentrate on guy's(actors) appearance,body,frame, I will get nothing.Zero arousal.It seems like watching a wall or something. With girls it's almost instant arousal. No need for manual stimulus at all. When I fantasize, thinking about having sex with guys it seems a bit icky, I don't puke or something but just seems lame.It doesn't give arousal,I can only get "hard" but only with vigorous manual stimulus, which is just unavoidable at that point -The imagined act itself doesn't cause me to have arousal. With girls it leads to arousal, with little to no manual stimulus. I also need to say that I am obsessive person , had these sexual obsessions even before when I was little boy when a guy kissed me in the cheek-without my permission, I thought I was gay. I had obsessions related to my health which were very severe, I doubted even P.H.D doctors ,telling me I am fine. What is my orientation?
Only you can know what your orientation is in the end, but I can help. Porn is meant to arouse you and it generally has nothing to do with your orientation. If you want to date a guy in the future (someone specific) that doesn't mean you have to have sex with him. If you want to date a girl in the future (again, someone specific) you don't have to have sex with her either. Just take baby steps. Do what you want (with the consent of whoever you're dating or having sex with, obviously). You don't need to worry about labels - I mean you probably will but you shouldn't have to. Focusing on yourself and self-improving when you're not interested in anyone right now might also help you from obsessing over this (such as going to the gym or revising something you need to learn).
so you think you might be gay because your friend watches lesbian porn and you watch hetero porn? You get aroused by hetero porn imagining yourself as the guy, you sound pretty straight to me. sounds to me like you have ocd - when you throw in the health related anxiety that says it all really. you know have to deal with the doubt that ocd causes which is hard.
