Hesitation about HRT, not trans enough, social vs body dysphoria

I think doubt and hesitation is normal. I question myself constantly, even though wanting a female body, and wanting to be seen as and treated like other women, is pretty much the only thing I've ever wanted.

I have OCD, among other things, and sometimes that results in a lot of obsession about my health. I hesitate to physically transition, even though I want desperately to, because I'm convinced that everything that can go wrong will go wrong and I'll end up destroying my health. I also obsess about my appearance. I'm convinced I won't pass, so what's the point of even trying? On top of that, I don't experience much body dysphoria. I tend to see myself as a woman with a penis, and have only had self-mutilating moods in my deepest depressions. (To be clear, given the choice I'd change my anatomy instantly and without reservation and probably spend the next two weeks weeping with joy.) Nevertheless, because of the way other transwomen talk about their body dysphoria, it sometimes gives me pause. It makes me question myself, even though I know that most of my waking thoughts are bound up in this wish to transition.

These are the thoughts that run through my mind constantly. They have nothing to do with the validity of my identity, which has never been in any doubt. I still go to bed every night praying to wake up in a healthy female body in the morning, as I have for the last 30+ years. So it's entirely possible to be 100% certain you're trans and still avoid physically transitioning for reasons that have nothing to do with your identity. Making body dysphoria and physical alterations of the body your 'measuring stick' for 'how trans' you are is completely fallacious. Every person's gender identity is unique, because every person's brain and environment is unique. You can't have a face that is more like a face than other faces, and your identity is the same; regardless of you thoughts, feelings, desires, etc., they are as valid as anyone else's. The only thing that matters is being true to yourself and going after what your heart truly desires and ignoring as best you can the expectations of others.

 

I am trans. My message is being wrongly interpreted but such is the nature of text. My point was chin up and don't stress.

 

I feel exactly the same way, ask the same questions. I think that part of it is that many people who came out publicly as trans 5 or 10 years ago or earlier tended to be the more extreme cases, people who went through alot of pain and felt enough conviction to speak out. That in turn set the narrative that the media promoted, and in turn became the narrative many trans people hear as they are questioning their gender, as well as the narrative cis people expect to hear from all trans people. It's really unfortunate but I'm hopeful that the media will do better as.time goes by.

 

Apology accepted, and again sorry if it came across the wrong way, that's even why I added the disclaimer.

I've been on the same road, I transitioned years ago (I think it's coming along nicely ^^ http://i.imgur.com/bTCwOQf.png) but there are always struggles (My sister had a wedding just about a week ago, and to please the family I had to wear a suit... Which was very hard to do given how I look). The advice I gave was advice that helped me, because image was such a huge thing and I realized later it really wasn't, and I just get myself stressed for no reason when I make it a big thing.

It can be hard to see the forest for the trees, so just relax and don't think too hard or introspect too much.

 

Thank you =]

It's been a struggle, but I can't live any other way.

 

You sound scared. I can tell you that testosterone is not a transition from female to female but masculine looking. You will just be a man on testosterone. You look like a young boy to me. Other people look more masculine pre transition because you know what they will look like in the future!
If your dad looks male then I am going to guarantee you will look male.

For me? I really have a hard time with this because I know my body changed fundamentally on testosterone and even my bones changed. But for you? All men start as female bodied and things change over time. It's hard to go backwards is all. And even knowing how awkward going back to female looking can be I can assure you that even estrogen does wonders.

If your life is on hold then I think it's time you press play. You might feel safe where you are but I see a scared little boy suffering in place, afraid to move.

You don't need a trans narrative. In fact. Most people don't. And besides: things will make more sense the more comfortable you get with transition if you choose to do it. You're already leaning in like it's going to happen so... Stop asking why not and see that you have a million reasons that tell you why you SHOULD go forward.

---------- Post added 8th Aug 2016 at 01:05 AM ----------

So your message was "suck it up?" Bootstraps, big boy shorts, etc etc?

---------- Post added 8th Aug 2016 at 01:16 AM ----------

Rickystarr: if dysphoria motivates you it can help to put you in a better place. It's like depression. The root purpose of depression is to tell you something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Of course wallowing in it is not beneficial and can make problems worse, but I don't think that ignoring the message your dysphoria is sending you is the right answer. You had yet to truly evaluate your personal feelings earlier on in this post and I'm glad you reached out for help with it. You're still rather early in transition and sometimes being at the beginning means you don't have the luxury of ignoring how you feel because you haven't thought about the dysphoria and evaluated it's meaning and it's role in your life repeatedly for years. Yes, obviously keeping your chin up is good, but you are worth the introspection and you are VERY worthy of feeling important. Your feelings are a downer, but they don't need to be dismissed unless you just can't move past them right now.

To rephrase: your feelings matter. You matter. You don't deserve to be dismissed because someone else believes you just need to smile more and that is a really big problem that a lot of people who are raised as women face; being called emotional or irrational or plain crazy just for having feelings and I completely disagree, you are not required to keep your chin up unless it makes you feel better to do so. Do what YOU feel is right,no matter what anyone else tells you, especially if the main point in their argument is that you're lucky to only feel a little bit awful because that's not encouraging, it's dismissive.

Not that the message was originally intended to be that way but it didn't come across well and I ant you to remember how important you are