Hi there friends, It's been a while since I wrote a purely introspective post, which is what I used to churn out like 3 times a day at some point. But today I feel like introspecting a little. It's something that I've been feeling for a couple of weeks, but I'd like to sort of get it all out of my head and onto the page. Guys - I don't feel regrets anymore. My life, it all makes sense to me now. I'm still a married queer woman, not sure where that's going, and haven't sorted out exactly where I'm going with my marriage and what it all means for my life. But I'm not really worried anymore about the future, and I no longer have any regrets about the past. And the reason is this - I hit a point, much of which is thanks to many of you on here by the way, where I have decided my happiness matters and I'm going to fight for it. Does it really matter anymore how I got here (to this point), or where that decision and that fight leads me? I know now that I will be true to me in whatever my future path is. That's the bottom line, I know I will because it matters too much to me not to be. And so my life didn't always align with me being true to me. So what? Now it's starting to, and will only continue to be more aligned with the true me, and that's what matters. So now that I've gained this new perspective. I want to reframe my story - and tell it the way I see it now. (Before I do, I should say, alot of this change of perspective comes from my trip home that I made a month ago, on my own, sans kid and husband, and on actually focusing on action over reflection). Anyway, here goes: I was always queer, from the time that I started thinking about sex and my sexuality, this was always true. I was also always a bit different, in a lot of ways from a lot of the kids around me. I was (am) a tomboy, I was (am) a nerd and a geek, I was (am) cheerful but introspective, shy but silly. That's me. And I had a lot of things happen along the way that dampened my spirit, made me afraid to be me, made me feel scared and ashamed. I was sexually abused, we moved around from place to place all the time, I never fit in, it was always a challenge making friends. And so I struggled to balance my desire to be loved and accepted with my desire to be true to me. But I also have had a great life. My life has been full. The friendships I did make, they were meaningful, the times I let myself be free, be me, they were special. I took risks and had a lot of fun along the way. And now I have a daughter, who I simply adore and love and feel blessed to have (that's not a word (blessed) I usually use, but it truly fits here). I am exactly who I am today because of all of the things I've done, and even the things I haven't done up to this point. I have had a good life and now that I am learning to embrace me more fully and honestly, life should only get better. I guess I just wanted to share these feelings with you all, because you are a huge part of my journey. You've all helped in immeasurable ways and there's still a lot of journey left for me. I have much more I want to do to embrace queer me. But I'm at a very happy positive place, and I wanted to share. I love this place, and I appreciate all of you! (&&&)
So wonderful to hear this. I think plenty of folks don't come around to what their real desires or selves are until they have had a bit of experience, including experience that doesn't mesh with that true self. Otherwise how do we know? I feel the same way and I'm going on 52. I wouldn't trade now for my younger days for anything. Knowing myself is a hard-fought battle. I think what you said makes perfect sense. Hugs as always from afar! (*hug*)
Hugs Baristajedi I just feel ...well, I could really hug u....such a positive post. I know it's tough, but too many of us get caught up in the negative, negativity at the world, the past...hon you just said a real mouthful that A BUNCH of people on here should read. We are all blessed by you
Thanks bi2me and MsEmma! (*hug*) Snowshoe - (*hug*) this is what I'm realising, we're all, all of us humans, constantly figuring our lives out. My thing just happens to be about being queer and about being sort of in my own bubble of defence from abuse. Having even just a glimpse of knowing me and my true needs is really a huge thing to be thankful for. I'm so far from being sorted at this point, I've got a long way to go. But I've also come a long way already. And I love who I am, I love the life I have. And if it all falls to pieces because it comes to divorce or some other major changes, it doesn't take away from all the things that have made my life what it is, lumps and all, it's a good life. Marriedcd - thanks! I am so guilty of getting caught up in the negativity too, I have been known to dwell and dwell and dwell, but I think I've reached a really sort of positive point where I feel there's no turning back now. I am who I am and I love me and this life is going to be a good one because I'm going to make it good. I think much of it comes from being willing to be vulnerable too. Coming out to my dad was a huge part of that, reaching out to an old friend and coming out was a part of that, going out to try to meet women, just saying screw it I'm just going to do it, all of that is a part of it. Even being vulnerable in ways that are unrelated to being queer helped me purge a general sense of fear and reinforced the idea that reaching out brings immeasurable returns in growth. An example of this was speaking at my grandma's memorial while I was home, talking about what her death meant to me. I cried through the whole thing, but who cares? It was very cathartic. Anyway, I'm learning so much about myself through this journey, it's truly a thing to be thankful for. Coming out is probably one of the best things I could have done for myself in my life.
