The sad ending(?) to my trigger crush

"Straighties" totally needs to happen.

One other thing I thought of - in my years of coming out to various people, I've learned that often the ones you think will be the most supportive are the ones who end up not handling it well, and also vice versa. I'm not sure why that is - perhaps because it hurts more when we have high expectations of someone and they don't react the way we'd hoped? Who knows. I realise that's not much comfort, but again, I feel you.

 

Hi Cap

Sorry just getting around to replying to this now. I have actually identified as Bi since I was 18 but only really close friends and some family know, I've never told anyone at work. I'm not really very open about it which I realise now has probably been a mistake. Since I have been in a relationship with a man for so long everyone new I meet just assumes I'm straight.

I was thinking of just dropping into conversation that I previously had a relationship with a woman or a celebrity I find hot...something that doesn't bring any feelings for her into it. I *think* I am maybe starting to think of her as more of a friend. Like the friendship is now more important to me than something romantic that's never going to happen anyway.

How are you? Did your feelings for your best friend affect your relationship with your husband, if you don't mind me asking? Did he know how you felt about her? I have never told my husband about my feelings for my crush - I didn't want to hurt him - but I think he suspects.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Yes, it really is awful. I am still not completely over mine, and she was thirty-five years ago.

It's taken me decades just to learn to have female friends again.

Sometimes I think I'm bisexual only in theory now. It's just too damn hard to love women.

My heart has gone out to straight men, ever since.

(*hug*)

 

I think part of both of our struggle was/is realizing that in addition to being queer (which at least in my case should have been a big 'well duh, what did you think I meant when you touched way more boobs than boy parts in high school?') we both have the ability to love more than one adult in a sexual manner.

Heteronormativity is much easier for me to wrap my head around. Of course I didn't let myself go there. I was happy with my boyfriend/husband. We love each other. We want to stay together.

The insidious nature of monogamy (mononormativity?) left me unable to even realize that my boyfriend with girls to play with on the side in high school said a lot more about what I might want out of life than just the fact that there had been girls. I'm getting so tired of the trope in my YA books where the heroine likes two completely different reasons, but has to pick one. It took me a while into my queer discovery path to accept that I have the ability, though probably not a historic tendency) to have more than one sexual relationship at a time. I would love a fwb on the side, one whom I love as a friend, but don't have romantic obligations to (or at least not more than I already have for the friend).

Honestly, I was so blinded to the ability for some people to have sex with multiple partners and still be happily married, that I couldn't even think/read about it for almost a year about my trigger. I'm such a rule follower, and I'd never seen that type of relationship play out. Now, my husband and I haven't made any real progress on this, but he knows it's something I might someday want.

 

I guess at least he recognizes that it is sad for you. I guess the next question is 'why?' Why can't you have both? Society? His preference? Yours? Timing? Kids?

We have a lot of those issues facing us, but I'm not giving up long term. I think I'm moving towards it being a need at least at some point. At the least, I'd hate to be on my deathbed and have that being a regret.

 

What I go through is questioning whether polyamory is something you (or I) *want*, or whether polyamorous is something you *are* (or I am).

Anyone can decide to have sex with someone of the same sex...or can decide never to do that...those decision can having little bearing on whether the person is gay. Similarly, anyone can decide that they *want* a relationship style that provides for sex with multiple partners.

I think many fewer people are capable of *loving* multiple partners. And so I wonder if some of us (without making a judgment about whether you are one of them) are this way by nature, and need a polyamorous relationship to feel fulfilled (even though pursuing such a relationship is filled with hassle), just like some people need a homosexual relationship to feel fulfilled (even though pursuing such a relationship is filled with hassle).

The fact is that *no* relationship is without enormous hassle...particularly no long-term relationship. So we all need to figure out what kind is right for us...and cut one another slack for making the choices we make.

 

I have a lot of the same concerns as you guys - I can't imagine never being with a woman again but I don't want to end my marriage. So I'm also trying to find a way to incorporate my same sex attractions into my marriage. I didn't bother me so much when we first got together but I think my crush has reminded me just how not straight I am. I like the idea of a fwb type arrangement but being with a woman has always been so emotional for me, and I've always ended up so emotionally involved that I just don't know if it would work.

My husband suggested a threesome and to start with I was quite against the idea but now I don't know...maybe...

 

When I dated my ex girlfriend, and I think I've said this before but just in case I haven't, we were technically in an open relationship but it was pretty one-sided because she never wanted to act on it. We had a threeway once that wasn't particularly good (the guy wasn't fun in bed, and my ex and I just ended up doing our own thing while he watched by the end, haha) but after that it was just me hooking up with guys with her permission.

I can say truly if she ever said she wanted to hook up with another girl, I wouldn't have cared. It would have made sense to me because it was something I couldn't give her physically. But the idea of her hooking up with other guys bothered me, and when it finally came up near the end of our relationship, I found myself pretty jealous and insecure. I mean, maybe it was also the timing with our relationship issues, but there you go. She never ended up hooking up with the guy either.

That's a big reason I don't know if poly would be for me. Unless I was with another bisexual woman and the deal was we could only explore with the same sex (except in threeways or whatever). Heck even when my ex and I were open, I only ever slept with men on the side. And I was okay with not having an emotional attachment to any of them, which made her feel safe.