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What's the right way to come out of the closet?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Apr 6, 2016.

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  1. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    I was just trying to present my own experience as an example, not intending to isolate or disclude anyone else's experience, sorry if that's the way it came off. I'm especially sorry if my post offended you or anyone else. I wasn't in the best mood writing this, and not feeling the best about my situation, but not intending to be offensive to anyone else.

    I'm already getting involved with the LGBT community and that's certainly a hugely rewarding thing. But I suppose what I mean by being fabulously gay is to start dating, and moving on from your straight relationship to a gay relationship or gay dating.


    This is true, a label for me is simply meant to be a tool, a way to articulate my needs in terms of romantic relationships or pursuits.


    This is true, I have a lot of internalised shame and insecurity to get through at this point. And I'm working on it.

    ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2016 at 05:24 PM ----------
    Truthfully, I'm judging myself. And you are right on with what you're saying.

    ---------- Post added 9th Apr 2016 at 05:26 PM ----------
    This is such a hard point to be in, trying to come to terms with what you need and grieving the loss of a life you'd built for yourself. I'm glad you're going to therapy, I'm sure it will be a tremendous help. It has so far for me.
     
    #21 baristajedi, Apr 9, 2016
  2. Katchoo

    Katchoo
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    One of the things I've been wrestling with in therapy might be relevant here. I've been really triggered by the word "should". There are so many different "should"s about sexuality in almost every culture, so we've probably all been affected by some of them. I realized I was interpreting people's questions with an implied, "You should know the answer to this," and getting kind of snippy with anyone who asked questions. A friend said, "You're bi, right?" And since I don't really know the answer to that, I got kind of agitated. I was hearing, "You're bi, right? Cuz, you should know your label." Which, is just not true. It helped when his bi girlfriend (my friend who I have mentionend elsewhere on the forum) later told me that it's really normal to not know what my label is, and that it's ok if it takes a long time to have a label, or never have a label, or change my label as I figure things out, or cchange my label as things change. I drew her these little graphs to try to explain what my sexuality looks like. (Sexuality spectrograph? I should patent that.) It was really reassureing to realize that the labels for me were tied in with the "should" triggers, and also to have affirmation from a friend that labels are not as big a deal as people think. It's mostly about us wanting to put a pin in something to make at least one thing quit squirming around out of control.

    Not sure if I can attach a picture... If I can, I'll post a helpful infographic that I found...
     
    #22 Katchoo, Apr 9, 2016
  3. Katchoo

    Katchoo
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    Attached Files:

    #23 Katchoo, Apr 9, 2016
  4. SnowshoeGeek

    SnowshoeGeek
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    My take on it is... decide whether you want your marriage without consideration of whether you want a woman. Is your marriage fulfilling, is it sufficient as a monogamous relationship? Deciding to open a relationship is a huge other consideration that may have nothing to do with who you may be with outside it. So spend some time thinking about whether an open relationship is tenable. I know a lot of poly people and many of them do start out with an existing relationship they do not want to leave, and sometimes same-sex stuff figures in. Then, the idea of being with a woman - don't forget that this depends on there being a woman, and I'm not in the least trying to be pessimistic about that but it does depend on someone else. So planning a future based on anything you have no control over - I'd avoid that.

    Personally when I see the advice about ditching your life to move on to being gay - in your shoes I'd find that so offensive. I blow right past those responses in your threads and I sincerely hope that, if you feel the same way, you can also blow right past them. Coming out means different things to different people.

    (*hug*)
     
    #24 SnowshoeGeek, Apr 10, 2016
  5. MsEmma

    MsEmma
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    Where is that "PREACH!" meme? oh, here it is.

    [​IMG]

    Anywho, regardless of whether you find the suggestions offensive or not, realize that coming-out is, indeed, a very personal unique process. However you do it will be how you do it. Not wrong, right or indifferent. Obviously, seeking guidance is great but imagine these tips & tricks like trying on clothes... or a salad bar.

    Just because they're offered, doesn't mean they fit you or that you'll like them. Ditching the SigOther may be the right call in XX% of cases, but terrible in yours (or vice versa). Baking a "I'm SUPER GAY" cake as a way to break the ice-ing (couldn't resist the pun) could be funny **if** that's the personality that fits you and your partner. Otherwise, it could end up in your face.

    Another tip you can use (or not) is actually from General Patton, paraphrased:

    What that means in my life is that I'll never have *all* the information I want or need to make a decision. I'll only have the information I have right now and an idea of the "clock" I'm running against. Favor action vs. inaction. Favor decisiveness vs. wibbly-wobbly indecisiveness.

    You've got this. Another famous tactician and brilliant mind, Stuart Smalley, said:

    [​IMG]
     
    #25 MsEmma, Apr 10, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2016
  6. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    I agree that ultimately the decision about my marriage comes down to 'is my husband right for me'. And that's what I'm wrestling with. ive been thinking about separation for a long time. It comes down to several key things - where's my heart? It's not really in the marrisge right now, truthfully. Well, more accurately, it's hanging by a thread. Second, does our marriage work? It hasn't for most of our married life. But this has been changing a lot, my husband has been really working on making meaningful changes. And third, related to my sexuality, is there something missing, some full connection I simply cannot get from a man? This third question is one I am working on discovering through new experiences.

    I wouldn't divorce for the hope of an elusive woman. But I would divorce if being alone is a path that's truer to me than being together.

    I'm not offended by the message to move on from my marriage. I don't think anyone would bring it up if i hadn't already done so. But I appreciate you defending my honour snowshoe :slight_smile:. You know I seriously heart you. :kiss: :kiss: (*hug*)
     
    #26 baristajedi, Apr 11, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2016
  7. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    I know, this is a unique process. I think for me a lot of this is about accepting that I have a lot of limitations and trying to just keep moving forward, maybe at a slower pace than I want to.

    I really appreciate and like the advice you give about never having *all* the information you want or need to make a decision. And I need to really take to hear the idea of favoring action vs. inaction. I'm not sure what stands in my way? Lack of courage, confidence? Need for approval or validation? Whatever it is I know that's something I need to work on.
     
    #27 baristajedi, Apr 11, 2016
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