'Real bisexuals' versus 'gays in denial'

I can see what you mean with this. I'm sort of the same way, in the way that though I'm actually pansexual, I'm really not interested in dating or having sex with men. I feel uncomfortable calling myself either a lesbian or bi/pansexual- which is why I mostly refer to myself as queer around friends (though to most people at my school and stuff I'm just known as being the resident dyke).

Labels are confusing. I've mostly stopped using them for that reason. I just feel like there isn't really anything to properly describe me, and most people wouldn't take it seriously if I tried to come up with a term that does. I've yet to find anything I completely identify with.

 

Agreed

 

Totally get this. When I call myself bisexual, I feel like my enthusiasm for women and my general disinterest in a lot of men makes it sorta ridiculous. When I call myself lesbian I feel a need to rationalise away any feelings for guys I've ever had. Like... they were weaker but I'm trying to make them actually fake. It feels like overcompensating haha. And I feel worried about what feelings I may or may not have for any guys. I think I need to scrap labels and start not caring, because I couldn't describe all my turbulent feelings in a paragraph let alone a word.

 

well, i consider myself bisexual because i had fallen in love with a man in the past and had had satisfactory sexual relationships with men. Actually, i can feel attracted to a man nowadays but the truth is a prefer women so much more that being with a man seems nearly imposible for me.
I define myself as lesbian instead of bisexual when being asked about it cause it saves me from prejudices and long explanations about my sexuality coming from gay/lesbian and heterosexual individuals alike.
it´s true that bisexuality seems an undefined concept but if we thing about lesbian and the different women englobed within the term: why is it that difficult for us bisexuals to identify us as one? i´ve met masculine styled lesbians very feminine in manners, i´ve met lesbians that are a hairless version of a man, i´ve met very feminine women that feel attracted to masculine ones, feminine women that feel attracted to feminine women and masculine women attracted to masculine women... i´ve met lesbians that had never had a relationship with a woman yet and lesbians who reproduce faithfully the roles of an heterosexual couple while talking shit about heterosexual men...
why don´t they question lesbian definition adequacy to their sexuality, in spite of how different they are from each other and we, bisexuals, do?
Calling myself lesbian erases part of my past, part of what made me who i am. It belittles my feelings that moment and the importance of that person in my life. Although I feel attracted to women, almost exclusively, nowadays, I know i´m not a lesbian but, like you, i feel forced to choose the one term that doesn´t fully define me but makes easier to interact with the rest of the world

 

Reading these post makes me so sad because they're true. I have always been bisexual but before puberty I always had a "boy crazy" attitude and pushed aside or honestly thought my likes toward girls were regular or passing. Only when hitting puberty and my attraction to girls going way beyond passing and realizing straight girls don't look at other girls the way I did did I identify as bisexual.
I was not accepted as bi by close family members I grew up with because of my strong attraction to boys and never expressing homosexual thought or behaviors for years while growing up. Basically they thought I liked boys too much to be bi but for years I only expressed the obvious boy attraction because it was accepted. It took a long time to openly say I liked girls and my gay friends would say I was a late bloomer but really it was always there for certain reasons I had to hide it.
Feeling like I didn't have enough credibility and lack of acceptance for that past 2 years I've tried to be straight and I honestly feel robbed. I wish people realized and took the time to listen and identify with others sexuality but today labels have criteria and need proof. I'm bi and for most of my life liked boys more but now I want to be with girls. It's just who I am.

 

I am very comfortable with my bisexuality label. I love men and women. However, I definitely tilt towards guys more it seems.

 

Everyone has their own definition of what bisexual really is. To some people, having a single crush on the same sex and many relationships with the opposite sex can label one as bisexual. However, you can also just as easily say that you are only bisexual if you are willing to have a relationship with both sexes or if you're at least attracted to a few people of both sexes. It all really depends on what you think your definition is. There is no real way to determine a bisexual.

I had considered myself bisexual for two or three years in my middle school days but once I got into high school I quickly realized that I'd really only ever been "interested" in one guy, and I wasn't really sure if I actually had been interested in him considering the fact that I was very young and had just realize my attractions to girls and was desperately trying to cover them up and convince myself that I was straight. However, there are exceptions to everyone's sexuality and there are exceptions to mine. I'm positive that there are some guys I would date somewhere in the world. But still, I don't find myself bisexual because of how uncommon it is for me to have an attraction like that. I can't say I've ever had a strong attraction to someone of the male gender and I can't imagine myself in a relationship with one. There will always be some people that you're attracted to outside of your sexual orientation, but that doesn't make you an automatic bisexual. If you consider yourself to have consistent attractions to both genders, then I would say you're bisexual. Labels are just labels after all, sexuality is much more complicated than what we call ourselves.

 

I was definitely the "gay in denial" in high school. I wasn't out at all, but I wanted to believe I was bisexual so I could hold on to some hope that I was "somewhat normal" and somewhat liked girls. I have had crushes on girls in high school, but they were never sexual, ever. They were purely romantic and I had no desire to be sexually active with a women.

I soon realized that my attractions to guys were not purely sexual and I actually wanted to be with guys. So, I was certainly a bisexual guy in denial. The first two people I came out to, I came out as bisexual; I think it just seemed easier than saying I'm gay, even though bisexuality may make it more confusing for someone.

 

I find it hard to label myself because of the things the OP and some others mentioned, but also some more personal reasons. I do have "bisexual" stated in my EC profile, but that's for science To me, "true" definition of bisexuality is that anyone able to be sexual (and satisfied) with both sexes (let's leave gender out of it) is, technically, bisexual. However...

I myself have a strong preference towards individuals who adopt masculine expression, or gender role, however you want to call it. I would say I have some preference towards male genitalia for being a bottom, but... expression is key. So... while both sexes can "provide" me with those masculine traits, it's mostly cis men that make me feel attracted (because, let's face it - sheer number of them compared to other masculine-expressing people is hard to argue with).

So the point is... I find it hard to identify as bisexual because I'd have to explain why a feminine woman (in traditional, stereotypical sense) would never be a good match for me. Perhaps once I transition it'll be easier... I know part of my insecurity here comes from shame of being a guy who desires a dominant woman.


Anyway, answer to the OP in summary is yes, there is a lot of trouble for anyone not equally interested in both sexes. Like, the moment you state a preference for the same sex, you are often considered gay in denial both by straight and gay people. Only other bisexuals understand <3

 

I guess it depends what you consider the definition of bisexual to be. By the literal definition a bisexual is someone who feels sexually attracted to both sexes, but I've heard a lot of debate (mainly on here and YouTube) as what qualifies someone to be placed under that label. I saw a YouTube video once on how we're "all bisexual" but what she really meant was that everyone can see when someone is attractive regardless of sex, but seeing that someone is attractive vs. being attracted to them are quite different things.

Admittedly, I sometimes struggle with this. It can be hard to tell for me whether I find someone to be attractive or whether I'm actually attracted to them. Usually in this situation I find I'm not, but it doesn't stop me from questioning occasionally. Especially if this person in question is described by someone as gorgeous/hot because then I'm usually stuck in the train of thought of "Everyone else likes them, I should like them. Why don't I like them? Why does my mind have to be strange/why do I have to be the weird one?" although that's probably just some internalised homophobia I haven't really dealt with but yeah... I find it hard to move on from that because a part of me wants to feel what they feel because I feel weird not doing so even though I know I'm most likely gay.

Usually with actual attraction it either hits me quite unmistakably and quickly, or I develop a crush on someone over time. It varies. Still, I like to do the "kiss test" whenever I'm not sure how I feel about someone, which is pretty much just imagining kissing them and seeing what your reaction to it is (I got the idea from somewhere else), but I know that can be flawed because people can have internalised shame and what not but still.

As for the "do you think that there are more people who are bi than label themselves such?" question, I'd say maybe? It's possible, I have seen people label themselves a 5 or a 5.6 on the Kinsey scale yet identify as gay.

Admittedly though, I've never actually seen someone consider themselves a 4 yet identify as gay personally. Then again, I've seen some of these quizzes based of the Kinsey scale and although some of them are good, others not so much. I remember one quiz asked if I had any friends that were boys, I put yes and it gave me like a 5, so because I was curious I reloaded the quiz and put the same answers (except I put "no" to the do you have any friends that are boys? question) and it gave me a 6. Lol. Like what? You can be a lesbian and have male friends lol, usually I see the complete opposite being stereotyped, that we only have male friends. So I guess it depends on what people are basing their scores on. Nearly always I tend to get a 6 on those types of quizzes anyway.

I think for some, they might identify as gay because it's easier. For instance, does anyone remember when Tom Daley came out? When he came out as Bi, pretty much everyone called him gay. Headlines, people around him, most of the people I knew at the time all referred to him as gay. In fact, most of the time I saw him in interviews and stuff like that he had to keep correcting people, "so you're still into girls?": pretty much every interviewer. Him: *sigh* :eusa_doh:

I think for guys there's more pressure there because there are plenty of people with the mindset of "guys can't be Bi". I'm not implying that Tom Daley changed his identity or something, I was just using him as an example of how people tend to see things as either or for sexuality when it comes to men, which can make it hard for guys who are bi to come out as such and be taken seriously.

There are some YouTubers I have seen that identify as gay, but when they talk about their experiences they sound more bi to me. I know it's hard not to judge people's labels and that I shouldn't and all, but for some it seems fairly clear to me that their label doesn't really fit them. Especially when it's the same people claiming that everyone's a little Bi even though they identify as gay.

I see videos like "straight women who enjoy making out/sleeping with other women talk about why they do it/what they think of gay women" or vice versa. I saw two guys talk about why "some straight men enjoy being in serious/ non-serious relationships with men" and a load of the comments were "um...that's called being bisexual". I don't usually agree with YouTube comments but...they have a point. There's got to be a point where the person in question is no longer applicable to be just experimenting.

Yes, I'd agree with what you defined bisexuality as. I tend to view the Kinsey scale like this:

0- (Straight)

1- (technically bi, but mostly straight. Then again, you'd be surprised at how many people don't realise that there's a 0 on this scale or miss it off completely. Most people would either identify as straight or only very slightly Bi but with a definite preference for the opposite sex if they identify as a 1).

2- (Bisexual)

3- (Bisexual)

4) (Bisexual)

5) (mostly gay but technically bi)

6) (Exclusively gay) - as of now, I'd place myself here personally.

7) The light spectrum. JK :lol:

Hmm... well I'd say it's certainly a very broad label. Er...no comment on whether or not the label should have more boundaries/clearer specifications. I do have a few questions for any bisexuals here though, if that's ok.

Do you get annoyed when someone asks if you have more of a preference for one or the other?

Does your preference tend to change?

Did you come out as gay and then later realise you were bi? (I hear the reverse happening quite often, so I just wondered.)

Sorry for being so inquisitive here, I know you've probably heard these types of questions a lot, and if so then my apologies. :icon_redf

 

I like you.

I hate the double standards people tend to hold for the label bisexual.

That's all I got for now

 

1)Mostly yes because that's a bit personal and the answer is complicated. And awkward, because it's like being asked by a blonde what hair colour you find most attractive, if you get what I mean.

2) Change, no, I have a rather clear set of traits I like in people. I'd say it fluctuates, going to the extremes of my "taste" depending on mood or whatnot, but I always know what is my "main" preference. So it's a bit like a pendulum but the centre is always there and quite stable.

3) No, but I had been tempted to lie (and did) about it on few occasions (usually because of all the questions and attempts to convince me I'm actually gay).

 

QUOTE=Canterpiece;3008316]
I do have a few questions for any bisexuals here though, if that's ok.

Do you get annoyed when someone asks if you have more of a preference for one or the other?

Does your preference tend to change?

Did you come out as gay and then later realise you were bi? (I hear the reverse happening quite often, so I just wondered.)

Sorry for being so inquisitive here, I know you've probably heard these types of questions a lot, and if so then my apologies. :icon_redf[/QUOTE]

I'll answer this too... its probably different to how I would've answered at the time of my 1st post on this thread haha:

1. I guess I don't really wanna talk about it in depth generally, but if we're already in that deep-conversation-territory then no, THAT question in particular is not gonna bother me. I think it may be fluid though.... Anyway, I'd probs have to say girls.

2. Yes but its only changed in one direction in my life so far. From maybe 2 to 4 over about 5 years. It may change back. I dunno. I do have days where it feels different but those are like weird anomalies I guess. Generally I'd put myself at 4 right now.

3. I mean, I did an experiment on here of seeing how I felt about the word lesbian (a useful exercise for sort of checking I wasn't gay in denial I suppose). I think that's too defined for me though. But nah I'm out as bi to the only person who knows.

 

I do have a few questions for any bisexuals here though, if that's ok.

Do you get annoyed when someone asks if you have more of a preference for one or the other?

Does your preference tend to change?

Did you come out as gay and then later realise you were bi? (I hear the reverse happening quite often, so I just wondered.)

Sorry for being so inquisitive here, I know you've probably heard these types of questions a lot, and if so then my apologies. :icon_redf[/QUOTE]


1- no
2- no
3-no

jajajjaja

---------- Post added 16th May 2016 at 12:47 PM ----------

I do have a few questions for any bisexuals here though, if that's ok.

Do you get annoyed when someone asks if you have more of a preference for one or the other?

Does your preference tend to change?

Did you come out as gay and then later realise you were bi? (I hear the reverse happening quite often, so I just wondered.)

Sorry for being so inquisitive here, I know you've probably heard these types of questions a lot, and if so then my apologies. :icon_redf[/QUOTE]


1- no
2- no
3-no

jajajjaja

 

Just pointing out very quickly that bisexuality does not have to be a 50/50 split. Even somebody with a 95/5 split would still technically be bisexual, although of course they might prefer to identify as homosexual/heterosexual.
It's probably already been mentioned, I'm just dropping by. Also, preferences can always change. I used to be about 70/30 in favour of men (although in all fairness I HAD only just realised that I was bi) and now the reverse is true.

 

I think it's all about what the person feels comfortable labeling themselves as. I'm a kinsey 4, but even though I experience more attraction to girls I still experience legitimate attraction to guys as well and that is why I choose to label myself a bi. But I mean labels like these have no real meaning to them aside from that of which you choose to apply to them imo. Like it's a personal choice. I like the label bisexual because I personally feel it relates to my experiences the best. Similarly, I used to identify as pansexual but then I started to feel uncomfortable with the label as I personally felt the concept of being "gender-blind" didn't encompass my preference towards the female gender. However, there still are people who have similar experiences with attraction as I do who use the label pansexual as it's all about the meaning you choose to apply to the label you give yourself. I hope that made sense I kinda just word barfed.

 

It's not...I'm going to answer them simply to spite you. Hah.

There are probably over 100 threads on EC that ask this question. They seem to arrive at a rate of about one a month. I can't be bothered to get upset *that* often. Besides, unlike some others, the answer for me is pretty straight-forward, and I don't mind helping to educate.

I'm a Kinsey 4.

Nope...I'd say I've been a pretty steady Kinsey 4. Some days I miss sex with a man more than others. That can vary. But the fact is that I occasionally, but comparatively seldom fall in love with a man...much more often with women.

I does indeed happen both ways. But no. I've identified as bisexual since I was 16, including all 30 years that I've been monogamous with my partner.

 

I absolutely feel that the term bisexual is somewhat vague. I rate a four to five on the scale, btw. I know (firsthand) how easy it can seem for a bi girl to lead a hetero life, or possibly a gay life too. I really want to call myself a lesbian because I am strongly attracted to women. I feel like that would be a lie, though, since I am not opposed to being with a man - we'd just have far less intimate encounters because (usually) yuk. lol

I also have known plenty of 'straight' girls who bend after we've all had a couple drinks :roflmao:

 

When I was in high school, so many people claimed to be bicurious that the very word it self, bisexual, was way over-abused you'd hear "I'm Bi" from the corner of your shoulder quite often which made me feel kind of ashamed to be bisexual. I never said it, but when I kissed a boy everyone flipped, I heard those same people say they're bicurous, but never once displayed any interest or affection to anyone of their gender. Hell, holding hands does not count at all to me. People thought I was gay just because I dated a few boys but then people also saw I dated girls as well and people didn't want to believe I was bisexual and I was going to figure out who I was really going to be: gay or straight. Welp, I've been eight years out of high school and honestly I'm still attracted to both men and women. Bisexual, pansexual; so many confusing labels I mean to simply put it, if a man or women catch my interest and a bond starts to build I'm not going to deny either one but do I really need a label?