So there's this one guy...

... Let's name him Fred for anonymity's sake. Fred is my college room mate and friend and are the same age. We've been sharing a space since last autumn, a little shy of 6 months now. We rather quickly became friends despite my overt introversion and socially anxious behaviour, and have been (in my eyes) getting closer and closer as time has passed. I could assert with good faith that he is my closest friend.

Fred happens to identify as gay. This is the first time I have developed a genuine friendship with another gay man. It is progressively becoming more apparent to me, though, the reasons why I never have had one before. I haven't been too involved in the local gay community since shortly after I came out. Fred, on the other hand, has sustained a reputable network of members within the community and is quite knowledge of the dynamics that typically form or what may be appropriate behaviour or what (and who) is best avoided. It came as a slight surprise then, to learn from him the expectation of two gay men typically sharing some sort of sexual exchange at a time in their relationship, friends and roomies not excluded. As someone who is naturally uncomfortable with intimacy, I was fearful that this might be an issue. Not because I didn't find him attractive. Quite the opposite, actually, which I'll touch on in a moment. Rather I was concerned that my own fear and lack of comprehension of my own sexual identity coupled with this arbitrarily accepted notion of homosexual experimentation would compromise our already strong friendship. Thankfully, Fred never once pushed the agenda. We both agreed on a level of mutual respect for one another and the relationship we share to risk. I was relieved! But like everything in life, the feeling was momentary...

Flash forward to today and I am pretty much taken by this man. As mutually agreed upon, we have not shared any sort of sexual experience with one another. There has been some flirtation; I deem this as harmless, rather serving as a beneficial facet of our friendship. We have opened up to each other a lot more since the beginning, but otherwise, our relationship has been consistent and positive. I am grateful for every moment I share with Fred. Not only do I find myself learning some valuable insight about life, I have come to appreciate his company as one of the major factors in stabilizing the relationship I have with myself. His openness and non-judgemental nature have done wonders for my own ability to open up to another person and share myself without feeling ashamed or ridiculed. His encouragement has been enduring and well-placed. Reflecting back on these past 6 months, the trust I place in myself has grown at an incredible rate. As a result, my confidence has been given a boost, allowing me to approach social situations with a lot less fear than before. His personality compliments mine and we generally have good synergy when we hang out. As mentioned, I find him attractive. He also has a keen ability to make me laugh far too much than my superego would allow. Perhaps most of all, though, is his strength of character that I can't help to admire. Overall, Fred is a really awesome dude. And I am a smitten kitten.

Only 2 months of living together remain and I have no clue how to sort through these intense feelings of closeness (and regrettably, attachment...) I have developed before we part ways. These feelings come from a place of love, there's no doubt about that. But I haven't felt so emotionally connected with someone in a very long while, that I'm lost. For reasons beyond the scope of this post, I am afraid I will choose the wrong course of action. I keep telling myself that this life is now and it is this present moment that matters over all else. Any opportunity that is passed up is lost forever. And soon, I won't have the opportunity to explore my feelings on a more meaningful level, such opportunities I have consistently and knowingly avoided or otherwise misplaced out of fear.

As such, my needs are conflicted. For once, I have a friend I can completely confide in. Even if we are to part ways as life dictates, I hope the memory of our relationship remains a good one. Sharing my feelings with him will surely change this, for better or worse, that I cannot know. Also, he is currently seeing someone who is a good match. It is a casual and recent relationship, but Fred is in a good place, and the last thing I'd want to do is jeopardize his security in happiness. Finally, I haven't the slightest idea how he might feel about me. He may very well see me as a friend and nothing more. And that is something I haven't given much thought to (see the regrettable attachment mentioned earlier). The thought of finding out from him would shift the dynamic of our current relationship, and that is something I cannot lose in my life right now.

...Yet, I no longer want to deny myself possible happiness by ignoring such feelings. Urg... and so this is where I stand.

Apologies for the length of this post, and if you read this far, thank you for taking the time to. I normally keep my emotions secure and avoid seeking advice from others, but the greater trust I now place in myself grants me the ability to share them without fear. As such, any advice, support or tips about my situation would be greatly appreciated. Merely writing these words has proved cathartic.

Peace! :newcolor:

 

Your philosophy is spot on and is the reason I should practice patience and self-love more consistently. I sometimes lose focus that we are all experiencing these dilemmas at one point in our life and often over-analyze that which should rather be felt.

Definitely needed this reassurance tonight. Thank you kindly, friend. I hope we can both be found only too soon. (*hug*)