I read your post and I felt that a big majority was me. I also spent my life trying to hide this from myself, even though I had sex with women I felt it was normal like everybody does it. I also needed to fantasize about women when I was having sex with a man. I hated oral sex with men. I thought i was the only one feeling this way.Thanks for your posting. I was married and I would not have come out when i was with him. Unless you are planing to separate, I don't think he would like to be married to a lesbian. However you can come out to yourself and learn about the community.
I'm reading Female Sexual Fluidity. It's giving me some perspective and clarity. For those of you on this thread who relate to my story - it's worth the download! Excerpt: My understanding of female sexual fluidity includes four elements: ****1.* Women do, in fact, have a general sexual orientation: most are predominantly attracted to men; some are attracted to both sexes; and some are mainly attracted to women. As noted, there are many possible causes of these orientations, and they might unfold at various points in development. ****2.* In addition to their sexual orientation, women also possess a capacity for fluidity. Think of this as a sensitivity to situations and relationships that might facilitate erotic feelings. An example might be an intense emotional relationship (with either a man or a woman) or exposure to environments that provide positive experiences with same-sex relationships. Fluidity can trigger either same-sex or other-sex attractions. ****3.* The sexual attractions triggered by fluidity may be temporary or long-lasting, depending on how consistently a woman encounters the facilitating factors. For example, a heterosexual woman who becomes unexpectedly involved with a close same-sex friend might experience her newfound same-sex attractions as long-lasting if the relationship develops into a stable, longterm bond. Alternatively, the attractions might disappear altogether if the relationship dissolves. The key point is that the attractions triggered by fluidity do not alter a woman’s basic orientation, though they might function like an orientation in terms of consistency. ****4.* Not all women are equally fluid. Just as women have different orientations, they have different degrees of sensitivity to the situational and interpersonal factors that trigger fluidity. As a result, though two women may be exposed to the same set of potential “triggers,” one will experience the development of unexpected same-sex attractions whereas the other may not.
I downloaded her book off of Amazon, I have a kindle app on my ipad. http://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Fluidity-Understanding-Womens-Desire/dp/0674032268 It was $14 well spent
I have been married and have had a couple of LTRs with men, always doing here and there with women, dating for short term. But once I open myself to women and had sex with them, I knew this is how it should feel. Sexuality is fluid. I know some women who say they hate dick and I guess they must be a 6 on the Kinsey scale. I would not say that, I am a 4-5 on the Kinsey scale. But that does not make less gay, I guess it makes me more fluid. What happens is that coming to terms that your sexual orientation is not what you thought is hard. I am struggling with this but to me finding the right partner is more important than doing what society dictates. So, I gotta accept myself, embrace it and put myself out there.
OMG, this is the first person I've heard other than me that has completely avoided relationships due to confusion. UGH. I feel you. For me, I can't accept where I am right now because I've been in this stuck/confused state for so many years, that I NEED some sort of label, I just don't know how to figure that out. I find this really, really interesting because I definitely can and do find men attractive, but I don't think I've ever thought "And now I want to have sex with them." Is that a normal thing people think? That they see someone attractive and want to have sex with them? I truly don't know. OMG, YES. I already feel different for many reasons, and then thrown into the mix is not that "I've always known on some level I was gay" like all my friends and even my mother.
After reading more, and talking more about where I'm at - I feel less panicked about how I am feeling, and a little more prepared to "take it a day at a time". I feel like I've gone from being interested in men and women (but only acting on interest in men) to completely squashing my desires for women, to realizing that I've ended up being primarily attracted to women. There could be several explanations - fluidity making the most sense. I seem to be highly fluid. Things I worry about now I am married, and I've been living the "straight" life for so long - How do I "come out"? What is it that I truly want? Will I ever start to feel desire toward my husband again - true sexual desire? Now that I know my attractions to women are dominant, will my fluidity be able to kick in and keep my marriage functional? I think that time will answer some of these questions. In the meantime, I am working on acceptance. Once I feel I have a more solid handle on what is going on with me I can think about talking to my husband about it. I don't want to cause him unnecessary grief when I don't even know what I want yet.
Make so much sense. I fee exactly the same as you. Totally. With my situation my relationship with my husband is a work in progress so it's easier for my mind to wander. But I also don't want my to use my newfound acceptance of my attraction to women to be an excuse to leave my husband as well. All I know is that I am attracted to women, I have admitted and accepted it...but what do I do with it now?? Ugh.
The panic has largely worn off with me. I still need to find my way to meeting like-minded women, but I feel some freedom in telling a few people I'm questioning and in therapy. It's freeing, but like so many other things in life, it takes longer to sort out than what you'd like. One day at a time is good.
And now the fun starts, right? I came out to my husband as bi over a year ago, and for a while he was really intimidated by that fact. It didn't change our sex life much (he actually is a bit more sensitive now, lol!) but it absolutely changed the way we interacted. I didn't come out to him immediately when I first suspected I wasn't hetro-norm. I took my time to figure out more solidly what I wanted and what I preferred before confiding in him. Like you I didn't want to cause unnecessary grief! Turned out that after talking with him I was finally able to quantify exactly what I was. I was so unsure in myself before talking to him. Being "out" to even one person helped me crystalize exactly what I was feeling into terms that other people would understand. I'm so glad you're feeling better! (*hug*)
It feels good reading everyone's responses. So frustrating discovering this while married! Why couldn't this have happened 6 years ago? When I was free to experiment? <sigh>:eusa_doh:
Just a post from the other side, I am free as a bird, and way, way too frightened to think about experimenting, so I am in a prison of my own making as well.
Hm, you convinced me, I'm downloading the book Sounds like a perspective I could relate too, not that I'd need external proof to what I feel about myself, but I'm really looking for any material that breaks the gay stereotype. Happy to hear that it helped you after you read it My first "proof" of my female attractions (as I can remember) dates back to when I was in my pre-teens, but I couldn't accept it, or any later sigs of it. And I think one reason was, besides the fact that there were absolutely no gay people around, that the image presented about gay people was so different than how I was/am. So back than I could'n relate at all to what gay meant (or I think it meant from the limited to zero information I got), so I tucked away my same sex attractions and managed to hide them even from me. And I remember in my teens being so confused about relationships and so depressed, and didn't even know why. And now, when I finally am ready to face myself, some people could come and say "are you sure you're gay? If you were, you wouldn't have been in relationships with men, or you could't be happy with a men at all until now" :bang: So that's where I guess this theory of sexual fluidity would help, to rethink the stereotypes a bit, but I have to get the book to find out more
Hm, you convinced me, I'm downloading the book Sounds like a perspective I could relate too, not that I'd need external proof to what I feel about myself, but I'm really looking for any material that breaks the gay stereotype. Glad you are reading it! If only I'd found it when I was younger. Better late than never though, right? It's info you can arm yourself with if and when you chose to come out. To me the idea of coming out feels more like it's going to be breaking out!
I like the sound of that And good idea to use it as a resource for eventual coming out discussions. I hope I won't have to "prove" my identity to anyone though when coming out.
I've downloaded the book too... Now to carve out time to read. we will have to start a separate discussion group about it.
