Thanks for the recommendations. Another thing that has been bothering me a lot is that I've never physically explored this. I've recently been allowing myself to more permission to mentally explore and it's been rather nice and freeing. Anyway, I guess what I need to do next is to figure out a way to meet some like-minded people and figure out what that feels like. I know there is a way somehow in Chicago, but I have yet to really figure out what that is, especially for those of us who are, ahem, not in our 20s anymore and not really into a late night bar scene.
I agree that the best way to tell for sure is to explore your sexuality. Since you are not attached, that's even better because you can avoid all the pitfalls of cheating. A word of caution - it took my several explorations with other guys to get comfortable. Once comfortable I began to open up. Once I began to open up and made out with another guy :wow: I discovered what I had been missing in straight sex. HTH
Kiss Me (or I think the actual title is Kyss Mig? It's from Sweden I think?) I'm not sure that this movie is on Netflix but it is on Itunes. I love this movie, besides being a lesbian story, it is just a beautifully filmed movie. It does have a few sex scenes in it, but I don't think they are porn worthy. It does have subtitles in it though. Imagine Me and You is also cute and a good movie I think. Strange I really liked Heck in this movie, in fact I like the entire cast, the parents are absolutely hilarious. Side note: Do not delve further into Piper Perabo's lesbian movie catalog. Lost and Delirious still haunts me. :badgrin: This one isn't out yet, but I am seriously looking forward to its release. It is titled "Carol", but it is based on Patricia Highsmith's novel "The Price of Salt" (Good book, based in 1950's New York City). Cate Blanchett is going to be in it and the trailers on youtube look awesome. Good Luck! Let us know what you end up watching and what you think!:smilewave
Oh lordy, Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara. On another note. Talked to a close relative again and apparently this has indeed been quite the topic of discussion behind my back for years. Oddly enough, it was quite refreshing to hear. As much trepidation as I feel, I definitely feel like I'm on the right path.
I think you have it right there. Despite the fact that everything feels hazy, you can feel that you are doing the right thing. Honestly, I never gave much thought to the whole "follow your gut" thing, until it really happened to me. Sometimes you just know. That's not to say that everything is figured out though. That would be too easy right? I wish I had some good advice to give but I don't have a feckin' clue as to what I'm doing. This forum is a good resource. The only other thing that I can recommend is give yourself time. I wanted there to be some sort of escalator to the magical rainbow land of gay. I haven't stumbled on to that quite yet. I have though looked back recently and realized how far I have come in the last year. Just look how far you have came in a short amount of time! On another tangent (sorry this is so long, my I am chatty today!), I am in agreement with you about the uncertainty of where to start the physical side of things. As far as actually meeting women. I was absolutely certain at the beginning of the summer that I was going to go to a larger city and "hang out" with the gay crowd/scene to see what happened. I'm pretty much up for anything. :lol: But now I don't think that is going to happen due to scheduling and mostly due to money. So, I am left thinking about the internet dating option which frankly even if I were straight I would be just as hesitant about. I too am a little past the crazy nightlife age and never was a barfly. Anybody with any recommendations?
Thanks for your reply 0617. I've decided to take things slow, however, I have told a couple of friends what I'm going through, and as I thought, nothing but support. I'm still trying to figure all this out, but I'm feeling more at peace with myself as time goes by.
I ended up watching Imagine You and Me. It was a bit too romcom for my tastes, but cute. However, I'm a huge Game of Thrones fan, so it was funny to see Lena Headey not as Cersei Lannister (not that I'm complaining .
Hi Logan40, As everyone else has said, you are definitely not alone. There are a lot of us here from all walks of life, in different situations, with different experiences that are questioning. I am a 38 year old, married for over ten years to a man, with two children. I had a very "different" relationship with my bff growing up and it confused the hell out of me-she was female. But the lovely constraints of growing up in a religious house, going to a Catholic school pretty much did not even let me peek out of the closet...because if I did, and admitted that woman were attractive to me then yes, I was going to hell...or so I was told. I believed it unfortunately because that was all I knew. These past two years, with lots of therapy I have been able to admit to myself that not only are woman attractive to me, but that I may even prefer them over men. It has turned my world upside down. I have no idea what to do with this knowledge and these feelings. Especially since I am married, and have two small children. You have come to a good place. There are a lot of people that are great resources for information, comfort, support and to vent. I am always willing to lend an ear or chat if you ever need someone to talk to...I also live in Illinois. Check out LStop. It is a good resource for information....
At 40, I'm in the same situation. It's been close to two months since I came clean with myself about my thoughts and feelings from the past. It IS emotional. In these two months I've gone through many different emotions, many times, often in the same day. The roller coaster seems to be part of the deal. That's going to happen from going back into your past and thinking about past attractions-and subsequent repressions-and thinking why did I do that to myself? You're pretty much going over your life story with a fine tooth comb...it's going to unearth a lot of emotions. But when I say "I'm a lesbian or "I'm gay" - (I'm still coming to terms with how I feel about the term "lesbian" -and seeing I'm not alone in that-but anyway)- saying "I'm a gay woman" feels right to me. If it feels right to you, you know you're right. When I told my best friend, she acknowledged that everything about my life and actions for the last 20 years (the amount of time we've been best friends) finally made sense. She was very supportive of me. I'm finding that for the first time in a long time, everything makes sense! I have the sense that because of the reflection on my life and actions-I'm going to gain a much deeper understanding of myself than I ever have before. I already have to some degree. You will too. Please know you're not alone and that this coming out process is emotional and challenging for all of us. That's why we're here to support each other.
Hi Logan... I'm in my 40s and an out lesbian. I've been with my wife for 12 years and I was her first woman, and she was 30 when we met. I also have a group of lesbian friends, a few which have just come out in their 40s. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have. You're not alone. (*hug*)
Thanks for the thread revival and kind words. I've been to therapy a few times since I posted this and have shared my situation with a few people, but I feel really stuck because everything is so much in my head. I don't really have anyone other than my therapist I can really talk with about this and my attempt to reach out to a few meetup groups in Chicago haven't ended up with responses (they must not be active anymore). I'm definitely feeling a lot more comfortable though, but I have one (not) big complaint/problem ... why are lesbian movies so bad? I just watched Jenny's Wedding last weekend and couldn't believe how awful it was. It was like a Lifetime network schmaltzfest only with two women. Anyway, suffice to say, I feel like I'm moving forward mentally, but I'm frustrated that it feels so internal. That said, the real struggle for me will be when I have to acknowledge this beyond a few supportive people who only know I'm in the beginning phases of exploring and/or accepting my sexuality.
I understand, things being in ur head. That's my situation and i am choosing to stay married so I really cannot do much of anything at all. Have you seen "Blue is the Warmest Color?" it's intense...but I loved it. I live right outside of Chicago, there's not much here in the suburbs by way of networks....esp for closeted married women. I'm always here with an ear if you need one...I understand how you feel
Ok, the lesbian movie comment made me laugh. They are bad, aren't they? Ugh. Thanks for the tip on Jenny's Wedding. I was wanting to go see that, but now I'll wait for it to get to Netflix. If you want some mindless, sexy lady television, watch Lost Girl. It's campy, but fun and oh my, Lauren & Bo sizzle the screen!
Hi Logan40! I could so relate to so many parts of your story. I am just coming out to myself and my kids, and have never dated anyone yet, was married a long time to a man and miserable, and don't know what to do next. When I first came out to myself I would have frequent panic attacks. The "this can't be happening to me" type of thing. I come from a religious background and live in a small town and feel so ashamed and unsure of myself. It is getting better, and I am working through a lot of these issues, but to be just realizing what I am at this late stage in life is hard. Most lesbian women at this age have had relationships, or are currently in a very stable relationship or even married. It is like going through puberty and adolescence all over again...except I am old!!! It even has the emotional roller coaster of adolescence for me! I hope your therapy continues to help you.
Thank you for so candidly sharing your journey! So glad you were able to find a supportive counselor.
Hi Logan I do wish you luck. I am only now really starting to come out and I am 65. Probably a bit old for this group. I learned early in life, sometimes willingly and sometimes not so much, that I responded to stronger older dominate type males. This continued thru my teen years and part way thru college I felt I had to stop and be more what family and others thought I should be. I am sure you are aware of that old sin and hell and stuff and i got a ton of guilt with it. Too late to say in short, but I found I was never really myself nor felt true to me always trying to be what others thought I should be. Very few good relationships and a bad marriage. Now I am trying to first be discrete with partners and slowly coming out. Please let me know how it works for you. Eric
Hi Logan40, It sounds like you are taking care of yourself, which is very brave, and truly a great thing. The emotional stuff that goes along with these realization is incredibly intense, I relate! Great films on netflix: Kiss Me, The Four Faced Liar, Saving Face. Shows on Netflix with fantastic lesbian story lines: Wentworth (I have a MAJOR crush on Frankie), Sense8, Orange is the new Black. Not on netflix, "high art" ( beautiful and sensual). A fiction book I am reading (recommended by a girl I met on line) "Spelling Mississippi" It's really great to escape into a little bit of a fantasy world, both as a vacation from this stress, and as a way to explore identities. Let me know if you watch or read any of those, I'm open to discussion
Logan, I can understand your anxiety. I went through the same thing in my 40's and a few years back quietly accepted that I was gay. My journey is not over but I have come out to a few people and will continue to do so. Unfortunately TV and movies and Hollywood stars make it feel that you have to tell the whole world. You don't. You can be as obvious or as discreet as you want to be. But the key is to accept who you are and find peace. When you do ....and you will, you will feel both a calm and an excitement. For a late bloomer like me I have to say I cannot imagine not being a gay man now.
Thanks everyone. I keep struggling with this weird feeling that what I'm feeling isn't real. That I'm somehow making it up because I'm bored or frustrated with myself and the two decade lack of any romantic relationships in my life. But when I think about why there hasn't been said relationships, that is when it becomes more apparent about how much I shut that part of my life and self out and instead choosing to focus on developing strong friendships, a career and a rich social life, all of which I've done. However, like the grass that grows through concrete, I think it is beginning to force itself to emerge, and I'm just not sure how to handle the emotions and feelings, and because I've not 'gone there' for so long, it feels fake, like I'm outside myself thinking about it sometimes. The upside is that my mother has been very supportive, despite what I know her misgivings are, and it means the world to me. pasinhose - I'm with you when it comes to handling coming out. If (more likely when) I finally do come out, it will be with people close to me such as close friends and immediate family (worried about how my dad would take it), and at work. I work in the type of workplace where it is very accepted and it would be weird if I didn't come out given the number of people in my department who are openly gay.
Hi Logan, You are in good company here. I'm 50 and have been aware of my attraction to women for 40+ years. Many heterosexual relationships and some marriages, finally unattached and have the time and space to really contemplate. I don't think it is strange anymore to be closeted and trying to live a so-called "normal" life as I have heard so many others struggling with the same thing here. Heck, there's a forum just for this, which I take as an indication that this is a widespread thing. The people here are great... thank you for opening up with us and asking for help. I think that is difficult and some of us only feel comfortable talking when we have already heard someone else say how we feel. There may be dozens more who read your posts and are only ready to read at this point... we all go at our own pace. (*hug*)
