I definitely do not have HOCD. I'm not sure why I didn't realize this before. But I was discussing this yesterday online and today I read over a list of symptoms and suggested treatments and realized that there may be something going on with my brain (because I'm getting way more upset about questioning my sexuality than I should) but it's not that. I still think I have OCD, though it's possible that I don't have that either since I was never officially diagnosed with it. But either way I'm not having compulsive thoughts I hate about being with women, I'm having thoughts I like very much, so I don't know why I thought that in the first place. So much for diagnosing myself...
It's not easy to publicly speak about mental health issues, or about making a mistake in self-diagnosis, so I admire you for taking the step of talking about it. Sharing your experience will almost certainly help others dealing with similar issues. I sometimes think we could completely do without the "should" word because... it basically gives us reason to feel like we are "not enough." So when you say you're getting way more upset than you should... perhaps you're just getting upset, and perhaps that's a reasonable and normal response for a 50 year old woman with a kid. Different people process loss differently. Accepting you're bi, gay, or other than straight entails a loss of the "straight" identity... which is pretty core to most people, so it's entirely possible that you are just having strong reactions because there's a lot at stake. So it might be worth simply giving yourself permission to not know for now, and to be OK with that. Or permission to accept and show compassion for yourself exactly as you are now. I concur that self-diagnosis is generally a bad idea... so you can just let go of that and give yourself permission to be imperfect by choosing to self-diagnose, and learn and move on
Thank you Chip. That's very helpful. And I do need to give myself compassion. That's very difficult for me but I should at least try.
I think it's interesting the extent to which people are throwing around mental illness labels these days. I have obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours (for the last 10 years associated with my sexuality) and my counsellor sent me to a trained psychologist to be diagnosed with OCD. Well the psychologist told me what I already knew about my thoughts and behaviours but told me that I was too high functioning to have OCD (as in I don't let my actions impact the rest of my life). I'm still on medication for my anxiety, but it frustrates me when people say that I have OCD because it's a serious mental condition, not behavioural ticks like I have. Sorry for the personal story but I think diagnosing mental illnesses should be left to the professionals. Congratulations though on realizing that part of yourself and being strong enough to admit your misunderstanding!
I think this deserves repeating...I just realized why this year has been so tumultuous for me, with some exhilarating highs, but such awful, and often protracted, lows. It's been an 'identity crisis'. Although I would prefer to call it an 'adventure on the uncharted seas', having to ride a few waves and storms along the way.
What Chip said. I remember that he said the same thing to me some months ago regarding grief and the loss of the straight identity, and that helped me a lot. There is no set amount of grief/upset that each LGBT people "should" feel when coming to terms with their identity. Everyone is different. Some people struggle more than others, and on top of that, some people deal with the process in different ways than others--it may appear to me that someone has not struggled as much with coming to terms with their identity, but I cannot see what it is on the inside nor the specific ways that they are coping because their coping mechanisms may be much different from my own. I understand where you are coming from because when you are in this place of uncertainty, there is (or at least for me, there was) an increased need to put a label on anything just so that you can have an understanding of something. Everything is so gray and ambiguous right now--any opportunity to find a label and have something black and white comes as a relief, hence you trying to figure out whether you have HOCD. I will tell you that I am a psych major (training to be a therapist and diagnostic testing psychologist) and HOCD is not a documented mental illness to the American Psychological Association. It is not in our Diagnostic Statistical Manual which contains every single mental disorder and its symptoms. Maybe that will change one day, I don't know. But as of now, it is not considered an accepted mental illness by psychological professionals. Obviously OCD is accepted and has been for quite awhile. I think in this time the best thing for you to do would be to just process your emotions--let them be what they are, do not try to change them, as hard as that may be. Just let them exist, and perhaps journal about them. Everything you are feeling is valid and understandable--like I said, everyone copes in different ways. In time all of the uncertainty will go away, I can assure you. I know this because I heard several people tell me the same thing when I first joined, and I felt irritated because I wanted it to go away already, and now a good deal of the uncertainty HAS gone away. It's something that just happens in time. I hope I was of some help. Best of luck!!
Well, if you can have obsessive thoughts without OCD maybe I don't even have that either... I do have them though and they can interfere with my ability to function when they get really bad. But medication helps a lot. And I usually try to not diagnose myself with anything but I guess I'm in a lot of denial which isn't going to go away very fast. IsThisAName thank you. That helps too. I just feel so pathetic because I used to go to groups at the LGBT center, and even a "coming out" group, and I kept telling myself I was a fake and going home. I mean I started thinking seriously about this after my divorce over ten years ago but I still don't even know for sure what's going on. I'm hoping my therapist will help on Tuesday. But I don't want to expect too much of that either, since she obviously doesn't have a perfect answer either. I know I will have to give it time. It's really hard for me to do that, in all aspects of my life. Thanks everybody.
Sorry I wasn't implying that you don't have OCD, I was just making a general observation. I really have no idea what the mental state of anyone else is. I would think that questioning anything would be upsetting particularly sexuality since the stakes are so high. Imagine if you'd been a secretary your whole life and then one day realize you're really a mechanic at heart. You've seen signs all your life you've wanted to be a mechanic and you're excited about pursuing your prospects as a mechanic but it's stressful to make big decisions like this and to change an integral part of your identity. Obviously though you can't change your sexuality but you have the choice of acting on it. And everyone feels awkward and out of place at group meetings like that. I used to frequent one for eating disorders and I always felt like I didn't belong. I left every meeting thinking that I had lied to myself about being anorexic (even though I still don't believe I ever had it) and didn't deserve to be there. That wasn't true and if I hadn't given up on those meetings perhaps I would have eventually felt at home there.
It's OK, I didn't think you were implying that. I just meant that maybe I don't have it after all, but I'll leave that to the professionals as you said. And it helps to know I'm not the only one who sometimes feels "fake" in a crowd. Last time I went home and told myself to just stop denying I'm straight, but, well, that obviously didn't work. So maybe a lot of this is denial and not just my brain doing its brain thing. It's hard for me to believe right now but it won't always be I hope.
