Fell in love with a girl

You ladies have given me a lot of food for thought. I can see now that although I love this girl, I do have her and the potential relationship on a pedestal. On the one hand, after not hearing from her for a few days I was feeling like something was missing. When she got back, I realized it was this sort of pure joy and laughter. Talking to her really makes me feel good. On the other hand, a real relationship would have so many hurdles to overcome, and because it's still secret and hidden we haven't had to deal with any of them. So even though what we have is real, it is by its nature ephemeral. I do still really feel that she's my soulmate, and that we belong together. But I also have to accept that she can't give me what I need right now. I told her as much yesterday, when I was having a really emotional time with my husband being really bitter about our separation and making plans to move out, and just feeling really scared about doing this on my own with a 1year old. She wasn't able to take the time out of her day to really give me the support I needed, she's not able to be there physically to support me with what I'm going through. It sort of made me realize that, even though I would drop anything to help her out, she 's not available to reciprocate that. It actually made me feel even lonelier, and acknowledge that maybe I rely on her too much for emotional support. And that's not fair to either of us. So I told her I have to pull away a bit from being so open with her.

I think ultimately everything is sort of lumping itself together in my life, and I have to focus elsewhere for the time being. I can love her without obsessing about her constantly. I have to. I'm maybe falling in the middle on this. I still want to stay connected, but I also want to learn to value myself. You all are right, we all deserve to have someone willing and available to love us wholly and completely. In order to have that I have to figure out and clean up my life, so that I'm able to demand and accept that love, and to love myself. Whether it's this girl or another, the time is not right to pour myself into another relationship at the moment.

I love you ladies, and this thread (&&&)

 

Thanks Tallu, it's exactly like that! I feel like I'm reaching out for her to save me, and ultimately I just feel like I'm being weak and bothersome. That's not a great feeling.

You're right, I have to just deal with my other stuff and see whatever comes on the other side of it. Part of what had me panicking about her, I think, was wondering if that's what it was--just both of us going through something at the same time and clinging to one another because we were at the same place. It feels like more than that, but maybe that's all it was meant to be - a sweet, sweet wake up call.

I'd love to chat this weekend and also hear more about your story. Thinking of you too, stay positive! (*hug*)

 

Stella99 - you should never feel silly for any emotion or feelings you have. Just because you don't feel that they have been reciprocated doesn't make them any less valid or painful. They're possibly more painful because you haven't had a sort of resolution or outlet for what you're feeling... Please feel free and comfortable expressing your feelings here--we're all here for you!

I agree, going with your head is one of the hardest things to do, especially when it's not your natural inclination. Things will work out the way they're supposed to, or at least the way they will. It's important to keep you're heart open though, and not close yourself off from feeling just because you've been hurt before. I know you, and all of us really, will find happiness with someone who will be everything we need. In the meantime we've all made such wonderful friends who we can rely on and share this experience with. I'll be thinking of you, keep your head up and feel free to reach out if you want to chat!

 

Okay, I need to vent on what just happened. Don't feel like you have to read it. Short story - I caved. Very long story? Read on.

It's been a couple of weeks since I spoke to "S" and I had been doing okay. It has gotten a little less painful, I still think about her and feel her energy and dream about her all the time. But fewer tears, and I thought I was moving forward and could handle just being around her at work.

Wrong. She completely ignored me in the most rude way. Wouldn't look at me, didn't say a word to me all night (I'm her supervisor and am literally 10 feet away from her the whole time. So at the end of the night we closed up and she walked away and I literally started sobbing. It's just so much stress to be around her and not even have her acknowledge my presence. I feel completely pathetic, I promise.

So afterwards I sent her an email just sort of asking again why she's acting this way, does she really hate me that much, and what did I do to deserve being treated like this. She responded "I don't hate you..." that was it. Then I asked why she's doing it and she said "I don't want to talk about this anymore, I'm not doing this anymore, I need you to respect that decision and leave it at that. We don't need to communicate outside of work." So me, being me, said that I thought that it's unfair that I don't get to say what I need to say to bring me closure, and she refused to talk to me about it. So I just sent her a long-a** email. If you've made it this far, and decide to keep going, tell me if it was too much?

Okay, clearly you're going to do what you're going to do, and whatever I want and need doesn't matter. But I'm going to say what I need to say anyway, even though clearly this is not the way I want it.

I have given everything I could to be here for you in whatever way you needed. I gave up a lot, maybe more than you know, including my pride. I feel pretty ridiculous to tell you the truth.

But I did it in good faith, believing the things you said to me from the beginning. I wanted to and tried to show you what real love was, first as a lover, then when you needed to shift gears, as a friend. It was you who crossed the line initially, and you kept crossing it, despite everything you said. So I don't know for certain what your reasoning is, but I can only assume it's because it's harder than you thought to keep me at arms length.

If this was real, as you kept saying it was, then it's not that easy to just let go, and it's not going to just go away. And you're making a mistake. It feels so unfair that for so long you had so much to say to me, and now nothing when it matters. Every day you put a smile on my face, even when all I wanted to do was cry.

I was always 100% real with you, so ultimately I don't have any regrets, because there's not much about my actions and feelings that I would change. And it sucks that you can't do the same for me. I can still feel you though. I can feel the way your hand fit in mine, and the way your lips felt against mine when you told me you loved me. And I can still hear your voice begging me not to stop. I never would have, if I had any choice in the matter.

I never would have cut someone out the way that you have me. Not without a damn good reason and an explanation. Maybe we're just built differently. The thing that sucks is that what you want, I have to live with. I can't force you to talk to me, to explain anything to me, or to change your mind.

I want you in my life, in whatever way. But I don't need you in it. You've shown me how deeply it's possible to feel for and connect with someone, and you've shown me that maybe I let my walls down too easily. They're all up now, so maybe I'm a stronger person for it.

I know you're going to miss me and think of me. If it was real, if it all wasn't some elaborate game for you. I don't believe it was, but I could be wrong. The whole time you've gotten exactly what you wanted. Maybe it was more than you bargained for.

I'm still going to love you though. Despite everything, you'll always have that. And when you decide that maybe that's something you want in your life, in whatever form that takes, let me know. Hopefully it won't be too late. I miss the hell out of you, but even I have my limits. So I guess I lied one time. And that was when I said I wouldn't let you push me out of your life. I can only fight so much when I'm the only one fighting. I'll still be here, mentally and physically. But you wanted me gone, and now I am... but that's on you, not on me.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

I feel weak and pathetic for even contacting her, and now I've gone and went off on the whole situation. Why am I so ridiculous? :tears::icon_redf:***::bang:

 

P25 - I cannot imagine how painful that must have been after 20 years. I am so sorry that happened to you, but you're right. Whatever way they treat us is their problem, and ultimately I suppose she wasn't the person I thought she was if she could treat me like that. I feel like I have been chasing her, and getting no where. I guess that's what makes me feel so stupid. But I'm just going to move on and try to put her out of my mind.

Really - Thank you. I tend to be very stream of consciousness when I write, so it was originally a lot more scattered. I did have a couple of weeks to think about all the things I was holding back from saying because I knew it would alienate her further. I hope that I have the strength to do that. But when I stop caring, I really stop. I'm not there yet, clearly. And I'm sure it will always hurt, even when I get over her.

Man, I hated that "respect my decision." I actually asked in a previous email why does she feel that her decision deserves to be respected when she has disrespected me in every way possible. She was ending things...I have nothing to lose, and really nothing to gain by doing it her way!

You're right, I have learned to maybe grow up a little emotionally and hold back a little bit. But I believe we will all find our people someday...these experiences were just getting us ready for the real deal. And they probably know they didn't deserve us in the first place. I will be here to share and hear everyone else's trials and triumphs. I love you ladies, and the EC family. I'm so happy I found this place and this support, just in time for when I would need it the most! (&&&) Thank you guys!

 

Oh my, Tallu. This made me lol for real, because it's just so perfect. An excellent song and band. Thank you for that! And I hope you feel better fast, it's that time of year it seems.

frkldbklvr45 - You do have that worth in you, I promise. We all do. It's hard to remember that or feel that sometimes though, because I don't always feel that way. Maybe that's why I've been willing to settle for less in all my relationships. Not anymore. Thank you so much for that though, that was really sweet.

Stella99 - I agree. I don't understand "cutting people off" or "falling back." If someone was worth bringing into your life, and have been good to you, why the need to just never speak again. Clearly not mature enough to handle a face-to-face, grown-up conversation. But it's so damn frustrating because I really felt like I needed to see if she was even feeling anything, had any emotion whatsoever. Is it a generational thing? I don't know, but I find it so disrespectful to treat people like they are just expendable commodities.

You all are great. I'll be okay, eventually, but I'm glad we all have one another to turn to and relate with!