Found 12 year old son viewing gay porn - PLEASE HELP!!!

I hoped it all helped Cann

 

I think, if possible, find a support group for parents with lgbt children in your area. I know from experience that there are things I can't ever tell my mother, no matter how supportive she is. It is both a psychologicalblock and a generation gap that send me to panic whenever she try to talk with me about my identity. I fear that what I say may hurt her, I fear that I might cause her to be confused with the whole situation and do something that might hurt me. So I clam up, frozen in fear and unable to say anything more than excuses. Going to a therapist helped me though, with them being a professional I can trust and not related to me, whatever I said would not have a big effect back on me later.

Your son, being that young, may not trust an adult though. So find him a friend both you and him can trust. He need support, and a good friend might be it. In any case, thank you for supporting your child.

 

Thank you Chip for pointing out "David's" suggestion and the kids reaction when Cann asked him about it. I think that is something you should keep an eye on. I'm not saying to pressure him about it, but keep in mind that whatever is happening with "David" might not be something that you son is doing willingly. Please keep an eye on that because that might be playing a part on his introversion. It might not be actually any of this, but it is best to be alert to any sign that might indicate discomfort regarding the David topic(not only because of the porn issue but why he wants to keep a distance from him).

Regarding the other matters, you have received great responses so I don't have anything to add there. Just be loving and supportive to any possibility that might come.

 

Hi,

I would like to help, but if you don't mind clearing up some confusion for me...you say you 'found your 12 year old son with an erection and viewing gay porn on his computer'; I'm assuming you knocked on his door first and asked if you could come in, rather than just barging in, yes? But if that's the case, how was it that you actually got to see this? I don't understand how that could be, would appreciate some clarification here...

I don't mean any offense with this question, but while growing up, my privacy was not respected by my mother, and this lack of respect harmed me quite a bit, hence my wish to clear this up. Kids not only need, but they also have the right, to privacy - even from their parents (and I'm a parent too, by the way). My mother would just barge into my room, and eventually I actually had to make up a sign asking her not to, and taped it to the outside of my door, as a reminder.

 

From what I've heard, I think that odds are that he's not straight. Like others said before, a boy who is straight might go to that site once or twice out of curiosity, but not repeatedly.

I'd also encourage you to monitor the situation with "David" to ensure that your son isn't being pressured by him into doing anything he isn't comfortable or ready to do.

 

QUOTE]
I don't mean any offense with this question, but while growing up, my privacy was not respected by my mother, and this lack of respect harmed me quite a bit, hence my wish to clear this up. Kids not only need, but they also have the right, to privacy - even from their parents (and I'm a parent too, by the way). My mother would just barge into my room, and eventually I actually had to make up a sign asking her not to, and taped it to the outside of my door, as a reminder.[/QUOTE]

I understand where you are coming from Damien, but at the same time their is only so much privacy that a 12 year old needs. Yes, he just have privacy when it comes to changing clothes, and doing all of that stuff, but the thing is even though it is his room, it is still her house, and her computer if you want to get technical. Every teenager's computer should be monitored I think for the safety of the child.

 

Yeah chances are he's gay. At the very least he's bi, he's definately not straight if he was aroused by gay porn and was viewing it constantly.

As for watching porn, it's completely normal for someone his age. By age 14 probably every boy with an Internet connection will have watched porn.

 

Monitoring computer use to ensure a child's safety is one thing, but I was actually referring not to that, but to whether she knocked first before entering the room, before he had a chance to at least 'get decent' and stop the activity - which, with the warning of a knock or two, he would have had time to do. I'm just saying, even with kids younger than 12, we are supposed to knock, not just barge into their rooms without asking. I always knock, and ask, before entering my kids' rooms.

 

That is the way you do things with your kids and that is more than okay. Maybe she does things differently. It doesn't make her wrong.

 

I imagine he is just experimenting. He may find girls pretty, but he could also just have a strong interest in guy on guy, too. I'm sure most people will tell you that they have been attracted to their own gender even if they are straight. Kids are getting more and more exposure to such things nowerdays. I've grown up in a teeny tiny town in England, and girls wanted (and knew fully) about prostitutes and wanted to be one "when they grew up" by the time they were 9-10, and sharing their favourite porn signs on social media by the time there 11.

He might be gay, he might not, he might be somewhere in between. You don't know, and that's okay. Damn, he might not even know. Just leave him to it. It's what kids do. There is a lot worse in the porn industry and in the Internet for him to get caught up in.

Make sure that he knows that you will love him no matter what, keep it private between the two of you and give him the freedom to experiment within the saftey of his own home, it could be a lot worse. Good luck to you all

 

A number of different issues.

- Masturbation. As I am sure that you know he's at an age now where masturbation is completely normal and expected. It's important to give him the space and privacy that he needs. The fact that you seem to have caught him in the act means that a wider and more clearly defined boundary there is needed to respect the fact that he's growing up and needs more privacy.

- Porn. Whether we like it or not, it's not uncommon for a kid his age to show an interest in porn. It's a byproduct of a growing sexual awareness. There are concerns about him viewing porn, namely how it will shape his view of sexuality and sexual relationships. It's important that he knows that professionally produced porn is a fantasy, and not really what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

Realistically speaking, you're unlikely going to have the ability to prevent him from viewing porn. Many parents try and fail, as there is simply too many ways to get around it.

However, as a side note, you may want to make sure your filters or blocks aren't preventing him getting access to other websites that would be helpful for him. Such as websites dealing with sexual education, or even websites like this one. Some filters are just really indiscriminate, and will block things that you could want your son having access too. Although, in an ideal world, you'd be having conversations with him and pointing him to specific places that you knew had reliable information.

- "David". It's impossible to know what really went on here, and it's in the realm of possibility that he could have just been using him as a cover story. As you don't know the facts, it's too easy to jump to conclusions. If I had to guess, they likely fooled around, and your son felt ashamed afterward. This likely eventually led him to look for gay porn all on his own.

As this is a situation that you don't have all the facts on, it's something you want to monitor. You want to make sure that this "David" isn't causing harm to your son or vice versa. This is where you want to have discussions with your son about consensual sexual activity. You may also need to educate yourself on this, as there is more to consent than simply saying 'yes' or 'no' and it's not something commonly taught. Usually sexual education begins with discussions of the mechanics of sex immediately followed by safer sex practices. However, the reality is the discussion should begin with discussions of consent.

- Gay, Bi, Straight, or Other. This is something that only your son knows, and due to his age it may be something that he's just trying to figure out on his own. There is nothing you can really do here to "help". Usually, the best thing you can do is give him space to figure things out on his own. If you want to do more than that, then it falls to you to create a supportive environment, and create opportunities for conversations. When those conversations happen, you should do more listening than talking. To the extent you speak, it should be to discourage him from clearly self-destructive paths, give advice based on your experience, help him find information that he needs or wants to know, and perhaps most importantly offer encouragement whenever possible. Your goal isn't to make decisions for him, but rather to help and empower him to make decisions for himself.

One of the pitfalls that you may face is letting your personal feelings intermingle with the advice you may give. This can be really disastrous if he isn't straight. It's perfectly normal for you to want your son to be straight rather than gay. It's also perfectly normal to stress over the fact that you don't know the answer to that question. The truth of the situation may be that he doesn't know the answer to that question yet, either. However, it is also true that nothing either of you say or do is going to change his sexual orientation. That's already fixed and set.

For example, if he tells you that he's not sure later down the road, a common thing a parent might say is something like, 'Have you tried liking girls? You know <insert name>? She is really pretty and nice, have you tried asking her out? How do you know you don't like her if you haven't even asked her out?' It's sort of this indirect push, push, push with the subtext of 'please be straight' that is damaging.

What a parent should be telling someone who is struggling with their sexual orientation is that it's normal to feel the way that they feel. They shouldn't beat themselves up over it. They will figure it out in time. Give them permission to feel what they feel, and don't judge their feelings no matter what anyone else tells them. Encourage them not to be afraid of what other people think, and instead always be true to themselves.

This provides them with the space to figure things out on their own, without anyone trying to influence them one way or another. There is no 'you should feel this', 'you should feel that', or 'how do you know if you haven't tried'.

In the end the issue will sort itself out on its own. Whether or not he's gay, bi, or straight is something that is already determined and fixed. It's likely something he already suspects or fears, and it's something that he is likely working through on his own. Giving him the space he needs, and empowering him to work through it is important for him to reach self-acceptance.

There is too much of a rush to place a label onto people. In the end, it doesn't really matter whether or not your son is gay or straight. He's still the same kid as he was before, the only thing that really changes are the challenges that he will face. That is where he will need you the most.

That's why, if you want to be helpful at this point, the best thing you could do is work toward creating a supportive environment.

 

Your son can be aroused by the images of gay porn which oftimes are strong powerful men, dominance etc...and not be gay. (Which you probably know.)

He is around the time when masturbation becomes prevalent.

Your son is entitled so some privacy in regards to his personal sexual habits. A strong negativity towards sexual expression is oftentimes linked to more problems later on.

I understand your concern regarding his viewing of porn. I sugest that someone *male* has a discussion with him about sexual feelings and masturbation and the "birds and bees". It is evident that he's at the point where he is exploring himself sexually and this shouldn't alarm you because it is a natural process and part of puberty.

Now I say someone male should talk to him because boys need the advice and counsel of men sometimes just like girls need their moms sometimes.

Masturbation is very common for boys his age and what he finds arousing might not necessarily be his orientation.

All the best.

(I am sorry that you are going to get shitty comments for being concerned about this but I get it.)

 

Your son might be gay but he might not. As some others have said he could also be anywhere in between. Porn is not the best indicator of sexual orientation. Only him can now his orientation and some people are never fully certain.
I remember a couple years ago when I was feeling ashamed of my gay feelings, I would try to watch straight porn and I did get erections as well but it didn't feel right to me. That's how I know I'm gay. All of this to say that getting erections on gay porn doesn't necessarily means he's gay. He could be straight or anywhere in between.
Now going back to the same site and video multiple times certainly makes it look more that he's gay or at least not straight.
If he is not straight, he'll most probably come to you when he's ready and I advise that you do not push it, especially as he is probably already highly embarrassed from everything.
I would like to end by saying you sound like a good mom trying to help your son and accepting him for who he is or might be.

 

Note i am 14 so this is coming straight from a guy not much older than your son. you have the total right to go into your child's computer i conpletely agree there. but if his door is closed knock, or just keep walking. i first started looking at porn when i was 12 and that eventually led to me finding gay porn. even though i swore up and down i wasn't gay. its taken me these last two years just to come to terms with my sexuality. Your sons just going to need time to figure everything out. the best you can do now is make sure to tell him how much you care. another thing, any use of the words gay, fag, or queer in a derogatory manner are a giant scare off. I'm still not out to my parents because my father and stepdad and stepmom do that. only my mom doesn't because she has. a gay brother and saw what he went through getting called those things. so just a quick summary:knock or walk, give him space but also show support and don't allow derogatory language to be used. because unfortunately nowadays its used way too much. i hope everything works out. i just remembered the whole david situation and I'm typing this on my phone so I'm not editing this in. if you're son doesn't want to have him over tell him he doesn't have to. and if he's telling you're son to look at these types of things he's a bad influence. just attempt to seperate the two as much as possible. and if you're still wondering about whether he's gay or not, chances are he isn't straight but he could be bi or a whole plethora of other sexualitys. he doesn't know himself yet. i hope everything goes well

 

Seriously, give the kid some privacy.
Knocking before entering their room should be mandatory.
And kids his age, especially males, will look at porn.
He's probably trying to figure out his sexuality, and porn is a safe way to figure it out, rather than having sex right away.
Give him some time and space and see how he develops.
And stop being such a prude, ffs.
I'm a girl and I looked at lesbian porn at age 12. I also masturbated to it.
Did not harm me in any way, shape or form, but helped me figure out I like girls.
The laws are arbitrary and ridiculous, not all laws are based on anything.
For example in my country kids can have sex legally from age 14, but cant look at porn until they're 18, how does that make any sense? it doesnt.
It's just because prudish conservatives are like: but think of the children!!11

 

It's now considered relatively normal for teenagers, especially boys, to watch porn, and I do think by effectively banning it you are taking an unusually harsh position that has the potential to isolate your son. Furthermore, I find that you seem to have a level of suppressed negativity around homosexuality and I believe you are projecting this in your reaction. Would your reaction really be as bad were he watching straight porn?

Even if you do not have negative feelings towards homosexuality, you clearly have a homophobic husband and family. That may be giving you anxiety which you need to take care not to radiate to your son. If he is gay, he needs *real* acceptance, not you just putting on a brave face and pretending to like it, but crying secretly. If he does come out, you will need to accept it totally. Being gay is not a sickness and not something you need to 'prepare' for, like some terrible cataclysm; if you allow your son to perceive it like that, he will absorb a lot of negative messages.

In fact, I think that kids process these things on their own better than with parental assistance. Parents are filled with panic over the possibility of their children not being straight, and can mess up the process of self-discovery.

So I would advise: be there for him if he wants to talk, but let him be, and consider letting him watch porn like any boy his age.

 

For the sake of your "being prepared" (as you put it), I will say that it is very unlikely that your son is 100% straight. Now, saying that, he could be anything from "mostly straight with a slight curiosity toward men" to "100% gay." So I wouldn't assume anything beyond "not straight" for now, since he's got 90% of puberty ahead of him.

^ Now, why do I say this? Well, long periods of viewing just gay porn, even at 12, suggest to me that he has to have at least some attraction to men. Otherwise there'd be no point in watching it. You can get naked men in watching "straight porn," too, though, so I wouldn't be treating what identity the porn is labeled to market as the sole indicator of one's sexuality.

So, for now, I would say that your assertion of "I will love you no matter what, and come to me if you ever need to talk about it" is the perfect thing to say, and to leave it at that. No need to be obsessed with figuring out "what he is" - I would say just prepare yourself for anything without necessarily expecting anything specific to occur. Easier said than done, of course, but from what I've seen here I'd guess that you as a parent are capable of figuring it out .
^Though, little thing that I'm adding on after the fact (not sure where to put it): Please, do not force his sexual orientation out of him. Let him come to that conclusion on his own.

I will say, though you do not want to hear it - watching porn at the age of 12 is not remotely abnormal. As others have said, I'm not saying that makes it "ok," but please just know that this isn't "odd" behavior at all, that almost every other 12-year-old boy is doing the same thing, and that punishing him in a manner that suggests that you believe it is abnormal wouldn't be a great message to give him. Not to say it shouldn't be punished, but maybe adding the qualifier "I know most kids are doing it, but I don't think children should be viewing pornography" or whatnot.

Also, as I have a pet peeve for semantics - porn is not "meant" for people older than 18. That is merely a law - it was not set by the people producing the porn. Porn is meant for anyone that is old enough to be turned on by watching it. That is what it is produced for, and the producers intend to get everyone in that category - whether 12 or 65 - as they can - otherwise they'd actually care about keeping it from teens.

Anyhow, best wishes to ya. :smilewave