What does dysphoria feel like?

I hope some of this makes sense but I'm on my phone so sorry for any mistakes.
Social dysphoria for me is like a constant chafing, every wrong pronoun and name I'm called just scratches at me until I'm raw and nauseated.
Physical dysphoria is worse. I'll feel, like it's often said, trapped in and disgusted with my body, for days until I do this thing where I completely dissociate myself from it and use it llike a meat puppet. When this happens I sometimes literally do not recognize myself in the mirror and have to remember that what I'm seeing is my face, my hands, and so on. When I am present in it it feels like my body, especially my chest, is trying as hard as it can to get me to tear it up because these things should not be there. Then again, there are times when I'm fine, if not comfortable, with what I've got so it depends on what side of the bed you wake up on I guess.

 

x2 *sulks in corner*

@Kenneth, yours too.

 

Feeling like a fake sitting here with my family. I totally get you there. I feel like that everyday that i dress as a male. You presented yourself as female, in my eyes you are female. Since your younger than me. Your my younger sister.
With that said
Social Dysphoria: As a man, yeah i feel that i don't quite fit in. I suck as a guy, in the sense that i am MUCH too sensitive emotionally. But's once you get past my hard depressive shell.
Gender Dysphoria: I hate my penis. That is my only regret from the gastric bypass. It rears it's ugly head from time to time but WAY more often than i would like to. Also, I am so disgusted by it the more and more that i see it. Every time i have to use the bathroom and i go anywhere near it, I wash my hands with Sanitizer. i also hate my ball sack. It sucks and gross and it sucks.

 

Well. I don't know if it is a delayed reaction to this thread or what, but suddenly I'm feeling it harder than I ever have. The physical kind.

 

Only 3 and a half long years and a shit ton of money until it is possible to fix it.

---------- Post added 23rd Apr 2014 at 10:24 PM ----------

partially

 

Yeah... I didn't really start getting bad dysphoria until after I started figuring things out. Used to just be a vague unease. But it's like, it's more tangible now that I know what the problems are. It's like staying in a shitty house and you inspect it. You already know it's not up to snuff but you can't pin it until you know how inefficient the heating is, you know what stairs creak, and you know that roof in the guest roof's probably gonna crash in and kill your mother-in-law.

Like I remember the first time I had bad top dysphoria. It was a little over a year ago and my mom was watching Grey's Anatomy. I don't watch it, not my thing but I was just kinda wandering around downstairs- think I was making dinner.

The episode's about a transguy getting top surgery and he's got a trans girlfriend. Episode's about how he and his girlfriend are dealing with his unaccepting father. And I realized it was about a guy...you know, like me. I was still questioning but I had my finger on that trigger. But I remember just seeing that guy having top surgery, having to deal with his father and it really struck a chord even though that guy wasn't a major character or anything past a B plot.

I went upstairs and looked in the mirror. Saw my chest and how far it stuck out. And it really hit me how much I hated it and how much I wanted them gone. And I actually began fucking crying because just the whole weight of that situation came in.

(And I saw a Sabrina the Teenaged Witch rerun a few months later where Sabrina turns into a man. Same damn thing. Wondered why I didn't have a magic potion to turn me into a real man).

 

As doc Winchester said, (well, he didn't say THIS, but something like it) it hits us like a bag of bricks. And not like those whimpy styrofoam bricks. The ones made of Iron.

 

I went 14.3 years.
Ya know what? I got all upset for a moment there, and then I looked over at the manga that I drew. I found it oddly calming. Anime/Manga has that effect on fans.

 

One of my best friends is trans* (hes FtM and going through the hormone meds, which his parents are supportive of) and he described it like waking up in a different bed. It was a bed he had known his whole life, but every morning he would wake up in the bed and it was not his.

 

About dem video games... My dad is a bitch. He wouldn't let me play mah Titanfall. That is basically my only actual release of frustration that doesnt involve me being an ass to the entire family. They dont get that if you take the beast's sedatives away, that beast is going to kill you. One failed english assignment is not that big of a deal. EC is basically a dampener of my stress. PWNING newbs is the only release. The only one. oh well. The violent side of me shows it face again. I wondered where that went.

 

I really wish I would have seen this sooner. Gotta love working though and make that honest dollar. Or something to that effect.

Truth be told it took me 27 years to realize something was wrong. Everytime I looked in the mirror I KNEW deep down that I was missing something. There were times when I would get within an inch of my reflection and beg myself silently to come up with the answer to an unasked question. 27 years. 27 years of thinking, "What if" only to squish those thoughts with more thoughts of, "you were born a man, you are a man." No, I'm not. I'ma female and it's about damn time I recognized it!

Truth be told though reading everyone's responses, I don't have too much more to add. While we all experience these things differently we all share the fact that we experience it. It's not much, but it's a uniting factor that we can use not to feel down and out, but as a means to connect us to each other and use it for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to talk to, or just freaking (I REALLY just wanted to drop the F-Bomb for emphasis but decided against it) know that we have a corner of the internet to come to for support. It sounds sappy and illogical but truth be told it's gotten me through some tough days and moments. I check these boards ever day, I smile at responses, sure, and respond in kind hoping that I'm helping in some small way. But the fact that everyone is being themselves, and enjoying doing it puts a smile on my face. My pictures all show me smiling for a reason, because in them I'm not "dressing up like I want," I AM who I want to be.

Does any of this make sense? I kinda feel like I'm rambling. Granted it's 4:02 in the morning here and I'm still moopey and depressed but I know that tomorrow is another day and I know that things will get better for me. It's a long road for any of us but at the end of the day we're all here for each other, and that's important too right?

Years and years ago I battled with some severe depression for another reason. I withdrew from the few friends I had, just went through the motions of school, came home, did my homework, and stayed up late at night listening to songs that made me cry. One day I made a conscious decision. I asked myself did I want to be miserable for the rest of my life or did I want to live my life to the fullest, enjoying every possible minute and most importantly LAUGH. So I made my decision and never looked back.

God bless I feel like I'm rambling and not making sense. Reading this thread made me realize we're all going through the same thing only experiencing it different ways. Ok, ok, I'm going to stop before I ramble myself into a stupor.

Hugs to all <3

 

I will mention a shorter version of what I mentioned in an earlier post on a different thread. You shouldn't really care what others think of you. You shouldn't go to your family for approval or validation. That acceptance should come from you. Accept yourself for who you are. Don't allow anyone to hurt you or tell you that you are wrong. You are a strong and beautiful woman. And I believe you will overcome this. I wish there was something I can do to help you in some way. You made it pretty far some people Don't make as far as you or me anyone has made it. Because of my situation I look at things so much differently. I say either your with me or against me. I feel that you might be a little too hard on yourself. I hope you wake up feeling new and refreshed. I wish I can hug you and you that everything will be okay. Just follow your heart.

 

The strange thing about being accepted by others is that by the time we are, usually we can stand on our own just fine. It's a sad irony. My whole live, I craved acceptance from my family; I didn't have friends and I felt very alone. But I was stoic. I shut the door on my emotions and kept going as I saw fit. I survived. Then, I started college and my dysphoria became insane.

I wore extremely baggy clothes, slouched, didn't want to speak... I was so scared but then, in Japanese class, we had to divide into guys and girls. I freaked out. After class (this was my first semester), I told my teacher that in the future, I needed to participate with the guys and she said "ok" without pushing further. I was elected president of the LGBTQ organization and suddenly, people were talking to me; suddenly, I was responsible for other people. And slowly, I found ways to control the dysphoria so that it didn't control me. Until I hit 21.

I think I had a huge hormone flux or something because my weight was fluctuating, I started getting coarser facial hair and more of it, etc. I was angry - ALL THE TIME. I wanted to fight something, anything. But I didn't. I just held in the anger until it became rage and rage became despair. After 22 years of stoicism, I crumbled against my own emotions. I started hiding in my car, in bathrooms, and in random corners to cry. It wasn't "triggered" by anything. I ALWAYS needed to cry - I just did so in measured intervals. This continued until the term before graduate school.

After starting grad school, I was still very emotional but I required triggers. I put my gender on the "back-burner" and told it to shut up. I focused and I grew up. At some point, I've stopped crying. I don't question myself the way that I use to. Even if triggered, my emotions are in check without me "controlling them." They are with me rather than engulfing me. Now, their strength propels me forward. I feel like I can pull myself to where I need to be and that I can become the person my family and friends need - the person I see in myself.

I still have dysphoria. I still hate seeing a female chest in the mirror but you know what, I can change that in a couple of years. And until then, I am still me. People use feminine pronouns for me everywhere. It upsets me. I feel like correcting them. It hurts and I suffer for it but I can withstand it because they don't know any better. Most people are good; they're just living their lives in the best way they know how. We should forgive them but more importantly, we should forgive ourselves.

Dysphoria makes us feel powerless but we are not. It makes us feel worthless but we are not. We are not our genders; we are complex entities and we have a right to be happy just like everyone else. Ours isn't a shameful state. I don't know why I wasn't born male but I think that there are things that I'm meant to learn through my own journey. Our journeys aren't easy but they are far more magical than any of fiction.